Are you willing to change?

I have read most of the posts in this section, problem with MIL, problem with SIL, problem with co-sisters and husbands not able to understand wife’s problem. Has anyone thought how can one someday solve these problems? I have a question for all the ladies in this forum, when you become a MIL will you be different and will you stop doing what your MIL is doing to you and will you teach your son what your MIL failed to teach her son? If you are not willing to change then the cycle will continue forever.

Max, I think you've hit the nail on the head. What a relevant point you've made - if there's one thing that can be gained from all the in-law problems we hear described here (and that we may experience ourselves), it's a lesson for us to carry forward NOT to make the same mistakes. I am especially struck by the insightfulness of your comment about how it's a mother's job to teach her son how to be a good husband and a gentleman.

All too often, I suspect women who have problems with their MILs may feel that since they've been suppressed or ignored, they will only have their turn at being in power when they are themselves MILs and able to lord it over their own DILs! This is probably how the circle perpetuates itself. And, as you point out, it must be broken.

Our generation, especially, has no excuse to carry on behaving in these negative ways. Generally, we may be more educated than the last, we have been exposed to the positives from other cultures, and we have ways of expressing ourselves and getting help (e.g. counsellors, best friends) that may not have been available to our mothers or MILs, which may explain why some of the problems exist (ie, the older generation may have been more frustrated since they would not have had the resources we do, hence all the problems).

Thanks for raising this very important point. A little bit of introspection and self-analysis is good for the soul, and you've certainly given me something to think about!

Ansuya

I was just struck by one more thought (related to teaching your son to be a good husband one day), and this is to all the ladies out there - as much as you are largely responsible for how your son perceives women, remember also that in addition to the lessons he consciously learns from you, he will also be unconsciously modelling his behaviour on how his father treats his mother.

So, make sure you are always spoken to in the proper and respectful manner. Also, you have to teach your family members (including your husband) to appreciate, and express appreciation, for everything you do for them.

It may be your "job" to cook, clean, do laundry, drive them to and from school, help with homework, hold down a job and contribute to the family income, etc., but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be thanked (loudly, and often!) for everything you do. This may prevent you from becoming one of those dreaded MILs who ends up being frustrated and bitter later in life because she feels unappreciated for a lifetime of devotion to her family.

hi Max..i definately agree with you that if we do not change..this poor treatment of some dil;s will be a never ending circle...I also agree with A's reply that it is our job to teach our son(s) how to treat ALL women, not just the women in their family. I speak from experince my husb ONLY knows how to respect and give kindness to the girls/women in his family for ex his mom, sisters, aunts etc...He can never see their mistakes or shortcominigs.this is how he was raised he will never be close to anyone but his own family....i will raise my kid to be more fair and open. I think my mil is VERY insecure so she has raised her son(my husb) to be like this, but she doesn;t get that it is completely ruining the marriage and at the end of the day its the kids that suffer...I know that when i become a mil i will be VERY different than my own mil, and to make my point to my husb, i treat my bhabi with all the kindness and love that i can....i hope that the next generation of dil's will have more understanding mils....and this mistreatment somehow comes to an end!!
sash

Hi Max
Thats a very important question you have raised and I totally agree with Ansuya that parents are the role models for children.So even if the mother teaches her son to treat women with respect,its not going to work unless he sees his father as a good example. Mil,dil,sil,bil,fil these are never ending problems because the indian weddings are not between the man and woman alone but its an impossible task of amalgamating two different families.The Mil expects her Dil to behave according to her set rules and Dil finds it very difficult to get accustomed to a totally different family.Just imagine a baby when it comes to this world,it knows nothing absolutely nothing.Its a totally alien world but it never gives up.They learn to master the skills by themselves and in the process they get frustrated sometimes but all we have to do is to encourage them they will soon be masters.Similarly when we get married everything is new for both the parties.The thing everybody should understand is everybody should be given time,to understand the likes and dislikes of the members of the family and then behave accordingly.The mistake we all do is to start pointing each others faults even before understanding each other and then what happens?All these small battles lead to a full blown war.So the best way to deal with the Mil Dil problems is to think 'Will I get upset if my mother or my daughter behaved the sameway?'
A mother can try and make her son a good man but whether he is a good husband will totally depend on his wife and the same holds good for the opposite sex.

Hey guys,

Please try and bear with me as I try and explain my perspective - please also believe me that I am not taking sides and is a general opinion. I fully understand the emotions involved in the whole equation! I am currently reading "New Earth" yes by Tolle. In this book he speaks of something called pain bodies which we carry with us - these are all the thoughts that have stayed with us, mostly negative and we are mostly unaware of it. This pain body and a person’s ego feed off each other and thrive. Well before I go off at a tangent, here's what I want to say - probably our MILs carried these pain bodies and they are now manifesting in how they treat their DILs and we DILs might carry this further and with out our knowledge might manifest at a later point in life. The solution - learning to live in the present and letting go. This definitely does not mean compromise, take the pain etc, fight your battles and just let go. Yesterday you had a fight with MIL(or about MIL or there was a bad incident) but today there is no fight, no reference of MIL, in fact you are not even speaking to her - but do you think of the fight or not? Did you let go thinking abt it? I think that is what will eventually define how we turn out. I feel even consciously trying not to become our MIL in itself is like carrying the pain body because we are constantly reminding ourselves how bad the other person is!

Do I make any sense at all? It might be too philosophical but I think these kinds of questions are raised for discussion so that we all become better at whatever we are trying to do. If that is the case “living in the present” describes best how a better tomorrow will be – be it relationships or just life itself.

Please I am just referring to general DIL/MIL problems and in no way trying to belittle or rub side real big problems - thought this was an interesting approach!

Originally Posted by drchitraprabha

even if the mother teaches her son to treat women with respect,its not going to work unless he sees his father as a good example.

Hi drchitraprabha,
My point is you should raise your kid to a level where he or she is not afraid to confront his or her parent when they see their parents do things that are not right. If a son feels that his dad is doing something wrong, he should not be afraid to correct his dad.

Originally Posted by Ansuya

Max, I think you've hit the nail on the head. What a relevant point you've made - if there's one thing that can be gained from all the in-law problems we hear described here (and that we may experience ourselves), it's a lesson for us to carry forward NOT to make the same mistakes. I am especially struck by the insightfulness of your comment about how it's a mother's job to teach her son how to be a good husband and a gentleman.

Hi Ansuya,
Good to know that you are willing to break the chain, I have to constantly remind my wife when she complains about her SIL that she is also a DIL, and she should view things from her SIL’s perspective and then complain.

Thats a very crucial question you have raised to all IL's and
I totally agree with Ansuya that parents are the role models for children. Everyday if their mother is ill treating by her MIL, then think in such a direction not to entertain anything like tht and oppose your Grany's.

Hi Max
It would be really nice if all parents can teach their kids to be bold enough to confront anybody who is wrong.The question is which parent in this universe will accept that he or she is wrong and that too to their son or daughter?Dont you know they are always right.The situation will only go from bad to worse.
We can expect the following dialogue from them"I struggled so much to raise you and this is what I get in return,today my son or my daughter has grown soooo much that they are pointing fingers at me and .............."
My little one hates to be told she is wrong and for that matter no soul would like that.We can learn a lot from children.What can we tell a person who keeps doing something inspite of knowing that what he or she is doing is not right.We can take a chance in telling the concerned person that he or she is wrong but if it doesnt work then what do we do?May be we should ignore them,neglect them like we do with our kids and that will be their biggest punishment.