Cunning CO_SISTERS

Hello ILites,
Do you have problem with Inlawas only?
Sometimes inlaws actions are all predictable. But you have another member in your house called Co-sister..Her actions are all unpredictable and can reach heights if you are not aware.
Post your experiences if you have any with your COsister..
It will be an eyeopener for our dearest Ilites.

Hi,
I have also a co-sister. i don't have any problem with her. But my inlaws will always compare my parents with her parents, my jewels with her jewels in soverigns my family activities and practises with her family activities. So I used to fight a lot with my husband in the earlier days. Now my inlaws came to know about ,my co-sister and her parents real colur. So they stoppped comparing nowadys and always complaints about my husband's brother and wife to my husband.

Regards
Priya

Well, my co-sister is a real big trouble maker, extremely manipulative....kindly crazy i think. Let me tell you an episode, once we all wanted to go for a movie and I booked her's and my BIL's (her hhuby's) tickets as well, after my BIL gave the go ahead. She made a huge scene in the house questioning me how I could do it without her consent, I just told her to ask her hubby and walked away...she didnt come anyway.
For her Birthday, we all (everyone knows she's a little kuku) decided we will only do what she wants us to so we kept asking her all day along what she wanted to do and she was all evasive. Then she made her FIl shout at us for not doing anything!

So girl, you not alone

My husband is the youngest in the family. He has an elder brother and an eldest sister. While everybody pamper him as he is the baby of the house,they frown on me all the time. My co -sis stays with my in laws and she has an air of being sacrificing and all humble. I have been to India 2 times and on the first trip she made a huge drama of me being an outsider and not being a daughter in law of the family. Second time she was oh we are not into cheap stuff but into high quality brands for anything and everything.
Sometimes I do give back when I visit . After I come back ,I tell my husband everything and tell him I dont like such and such a thing from my in laws. My husband does defend me and lets them know a few times.

Dear Friends,

I'd like to share my views about my co-sister. I am the elder dil and she's the younger one. I'm the only child of my parents and I've always lived in a nuclear family. She has always lived in a really big joint family and has lots of uncles, aunts and cousins.

My in-laws have always lived in a nuclear family as my FIL has no brothers. He has elder sisters who were all married before his marriage. So my MIL has also never lived in a joint family. My MIL was a working woman who retired about a year ago. I live in UAE with my DH and a sweet daughter, while my co-sister lives in India with my in-laws. Fortunately, I have a very good relationship with my MIL and I consider myself really blessed for having such a wonderful MIL.

Here's the REAL PROBLEM: My co-sister works as a lecturer and occasionally helps my MIL in housework. My MIL has to manage all housework with the help of maids, and when the maids do not turn up, she has to do all household chores. My co-sister's younger brother also lives with my in-laws. He has enrolled for a computer-course in their city. He's been living with them since almost 1 year. His parents say that since they're living in a small town, they do not have the facilities of a computer-course for their son. Since my co-sister's father earns quite well, he could have easily arranged for a bachelor's accommodation for his son. I've never ever heard of this kind of arrangement where a brother lives with his sister's in-laws!!!

My MIL has to look after him like her own son, cook snacks for his friends whenever he gets them home; etc. I and my DH do not really like it, although we've never said anything openly to anyone about it. In addition, her cousin-brother has recently come to live with them. He has also enrolled for some course in their city. My co-sister's family is taking undue advantage of my MIL's generous and soft-hearted nature. Besides these two permanent guests, there are continuous visitors from my co-sister's family who come to stay for a day or two. My MIL is 60+, and I know that she's suffering due to all this strain, although she never complains about it. I've asked her to come and stay with me here several times, but she thinks that she'll have no company as we both work, and my FIL will never be ready to move out of India as he has all his family and friends over there.
But I'm planning to talk about it to my co-sister during my next trip to India. Any ideas as to how I should open up the topic?
My co-sister hardly maintains any relations with us; she never calls us, it's we who always call her; etc.

Thanks for reading the long post.

Love,
Aasa

Thats the wiered behavior of co-sister. Once we became a DIL and living iwth inlaws, we should kee in mind tht, our relatives should n't be burden anymore either physically or financially. That will lead to problems in long run.
Living in city, doesn't take it as granted. For one or two days we can adjust but staying with them even their friends is strange!! Definitely your Inlaws might throw them out and your cosister will be losing her value in their house.

Originally Posted by aasawaree_b

D

But I'm planning to talk about it to my co-sister during my next trip to India. Any ideas as to how I should open up the topic? My co-sister hardly maintains any relations with us; she never calls us, it's we who always call her; etc.

I would be VERY careful and guarded because you are going into dangerous waters here.

First of all, you say that she was raised in a large, extended family. So, maybe, having brothers stay and having relatives move in and out the house is the norm, rather than the exception, to how joint families operate (in her book). It seems strange to you because you have always lived in a nuclear family and aren't used to your house being used as a choultry by hordes of assorted relatives. Maybe she doesn't see it as 'taking advantage' of her in-laws' good nature, but as routine events that take place when a large family stays together!

Secondly, the ones who do the LEAST are usually the ones who complain the MOST! Case in point: YOU. YOU are not living with your in-laws yourself. From afar, you voice your concerns for MIL's health. The question is, however, are you willing to put your money where your mouth is? If the situation is such that you are SO worried and concerned about your MIL's health and her inability to manage her home, then you should relocate to India to live with MIL so that MIL doesn't have to struggle by herself, RATHER than preach to your co-sister about how to care for your MIL.

Frankly, If I were your co-sister, I wouldn't take kindly to your ministrations and WILL give you a thorough tongue lashing. If you were also living in the house, sharing the work and helping MIL, that's one thing - you have the right to complain about your co-sister not pulling her weight around the house. But if you are living far away and voicing your opinions about how she's working and not doing enough around the house, then she's likely to ask you what gave you the authority to preach to her. Being an elder DIL means NOTHING unless you are willing to LIVE like an older DIL usually is - dutiful to her inlaws, living WITH them and sharing in your MIL's housework yourself! So, simply by marrying the elder son, you don't get any authority to throw your weight around and interfere in your co-sister's lifestyle and attempt to tell her, who can and who cannot live in her home. Yes, it is now HER home as she & her husband live there NOW with MIL and share in MIL's responsibilities, whether you accept it or not.

And what if she took offense and moved out to live separately with her husband, so her family won't bother MIL (actually you)? Would that make a HUGE difference to your MIL? Would that make you rush to relocate to India, so poor MIL doesn't have to live alone?

Finally, your MIL has never said anything about it DIRECTLY to you or your husband. Even if she did have some complaints, SHE is the one who should be telling your co-sister to ask her brothers to move out, NOT you. This is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS because you do not live in that home. Being an older DIL entitles you to NOTHING, not even an opinion, if you aren't living the part of an older DIL of a traditional Indian family (and you aren't, not by a long yard) .

Hold your tongue. If you are THAT worried about your MIL, then either arrange for her to move in with you in the UAE OR YOU relocate and move in with MIL, so you can get a say on who does and who doesn't live with them. Until then, this is NONE of your business. You are only going to ruin your relationship with your co-sister and possibly make life even worse for your MIL (Co-sister may simply move out and then who has to manage the housework alone anyway - you or MIL?)

Yes, this may sound VERY harsh, but I cannot stand individuals who attempt to tell others how to live their lives and complicate matters with an amazing sense of entitlement.

Malyatha is correct aasawaree.. this is none of your business as you are not staying there.

HI ALL,
Actually i have been thinking y there is no thread about co-sister..even i have the same problem.her actions are really unpredictable and sometimes she made it a point that i would get a good scolding from DH.i don't know how someone can act so cunningly,make plans and put me in a position so that my husband,my MIL would mistake me....and i will be like"oh again,i am trapped!!shit,can't i fix one cam at this home so that i can show others what was actually happend"BUT OK LIFE GOES ON WOUNDS DO HEAL
i ignore her most of the times because i really don't want my husband's and BIL(her hus's)relation to be spoiled because of me......and she takes care of my MIL ,whom i really respect....so let her do whatever she wants until that day,'THE DAY' give her my piece of mind if again she try to dominate or telling me to do that ,don't do this because we both are of same age...i have to go back to india in this Dec...oh god, i dont know what will be there waiting for my in law's place...please god, make our relation better this time...........i hope so,,,,and good luck to all out there having great co-sisters.

krishna

I completely agree with Malyatha...those who are not living in the same house or taking care of the parents have no right to interfere in what happens in their house.

Even we have people abroad who don't want to come back...but always say i am really worried about so and so happening here etc etc. But if they don't want to come back they should not worry as what is happening here what difference is it going to make them.