want to know thoughts!

Hi,

I am writing this as I want to know whether I am wierd or I am fine.

I got married 3 years back. Before marriage, I am in USA doing my master's and my husband also working in USA after his master's. It was arranged marriage. However, here is a glitch. We both were in different states in USA before marriage. As it was arranged marriage, he called me and then he came to see me. After that, my MIL wants more dowry than my parents planned. As my husband likes me, he forced his mother and then we went to India and got married. Right at the marriage, there were so many arguments from my husband's relatives side against my parents planned wedding. Always, they started pointing out whatever my parents does. After marriage, all my husband's side relatives along with his mother left that wedding hall. I felt so bad that day, but still I thought, I need to have some patience. After long time, my husband and myself, we went to my in-laws place.

And then, my MIL and my husband don't want to come to my parents place. After asking for one week over phone, my parents came to ask to come to invite to my parents place.( we live in same city in India). After long fight and arguments, my husband agreed to come to my parents place. Truly speaking, I cried a lot during wedding and after 1 month of wedding, I cannot forget even in my dreams.

After 1month of wedding, we came back to USA. My husband did not even talk to my parents at airport. After coming here, daily, my husband has to talk to my MIL and his relatives, but If I talk to my parents, he don't like it. Within 2 months of coming here, I got new job and settled here with my husband. By the time, I came here to start new life with my husband, he has almost $20,000 as credit card loan. Whatever we had given for dowry(10lakks), it seems, my MIL spent everything for wedding. I really don't understand that. My husband is the only son to my MIL. Before marriage itself, my husband brought new home to my MIL in India and we are paying $1500 per month for that loan. My MIL, even though, she is in India, she has my husband's credit card and we pay all expenses even though she is working overthere. I am fine even with that.

Within 2 years, we cleared all loans except India loan. And I got pregnancy, but unfortunately, it was miscarriage after 2 months. And then my MIL started nagging against me. She came here to US saying that she wanted to see my husband. As always, we paid for everything. She came here and she stayed for 6 months. In the meanwhile, I again became pregnant and I am in 7 month now. She left to India as my husband's cousin is not well. When she was here, she always used to say that, we did not buy house here. and then she always used to go out with her friends here, she always used to buy so many things here for her relatives, I cannot even explain. Whenver she go out, it is like $150 credit card bill. I used to feel very bad as we don't spend that much just for pleasure. I eat non-veg, but I don't like that much. Especially, my early months of pregnancy, I really don't want to smell non-veg. As my MIL was here, she always used to cook non-veg, like 5 days a week and then she used to give only pickle for me. If I cook something for me as I am worriedd about my diet during early stages of pregnancy, my husband used to feel bad. If I cook something, she always says that we should't cook like that and according to her, I don;t know cooking.

While she was here, her sister's son came here and started living with us as he is searching for job. Its been 5 months now and still searching. His cousin always smoke and I am not able to bear that as I am pregnant. We are paying for cigarettes. I really hate it. Yesterday, that cousin's father called my husband and then saying, it seems, his cousin is really feeling bad because we are not treating him properly. I am 7th month pregnant and I need to cook food for everyone. In addition to that, I am working. I go to work, come home and do cooking. That cousin is always at home and he don't do anything. I will be cooking after coming from office, if my husband is not busy, he helps me, otherwise, I have to do entire cooking. He don't eat non-veg, even egg too..whenever I feel tired, I will do egg curry as it was quick and good for us. Then I need to do someother curry for him.

I said to my husband that, I want to see my parents as I did not see my parents after marriage(its been 3 years). He was saying there is no need of them coming here for my delivery. Am I asking anything wrong? I really want my mom and dad here, so that my mom can help me in doing something after my delivery.

Actually, I am writing all this, because I want to know, am I bad? always, my husband says that, I am not a normal girl. Am I wierd? According to my parents and my sisters, I have lot of patience. Is it because, they are looking from my side?

Lady,

You are not bad at all, you are as normal as all of us. Its just the indian marriage setup which makes guys' side behave weired. I dont know when Indian parents would teach their sons enough values to respect their spouse 's parents too. Mostly guy's parents teach their sons to actually distance from in-laws. Probably they have fear of loosing control on their son and his money.

Best thing you can do to help yourself is , lighten yoru workload by smart cooking and avoid confrontation with other people living in house. I really dont know when your husband will see through the reality, but best you can do is, conserve yourself and avoid arguments. Dont even argue with MIL. This is one relation, where you can never teach wisdom backwards. Take things on face value. Treat it objectively. Dont take anything of it to your heart. If you are working , you have every right to invite your parents to live with you. But inviting them with disagreement from spouse may further make their stay unpleasent. So tread carefully. First you need to get this self-obsessed husband to see through reality and have some empathy for woman who is carryign his child.

Ria