wanna stop this bickering...

My in laws have come visiting and we live together in a small one bedroom house...mom-in-law doesn't help me with cooking (they are too old anyways, and i don't want them to help me either)..my husband tries to help me a lot in the kitchen, but is very careless and forgetful and keeps losing things and needs my help for everything...

All this invasion of privacy, having to cook 24*7 (they really need full fledeged indian meals...am working too) is making me irritated and flustered and am taking out the frustration by yelling at my husband at the drop of a hat. Now my husband can aruge silly and act bossy and that makes me even more mad and all this snowballs into lots of yelling..
i badly wanna stop doing that!!

firstly, because i love my hubby and dont want to attack him with piercing words when am irritated and annoyed..actually, not just that, i'd like to stop arguing with him in front of my in-laws...

secondly, i don't want us to be viewed as a constantly bickering couple by my in-laws..already i must've become the laughing stock becoz of my constant temper flares...

please gals, do you know of any calming techniques that will help me control my irritation?

hi Liliflower (what a pretty name!!)..just wanted to say that fighting in front of inlaws not a good idea....When my il';s are here visiting..i just let evreything go....I'll talk to my husb about all things that went wrong later on...if my il;s see us fighting, then they will tell me straight away how badly i was raised, how my priorities are all wrong etc.etc. plus i think they like it when they see me having a hard time...so i just show no emotion at all.....I;m not sure about your situation but my mil has told her ENTIRE family/friends etc.....bad things about me, so i jsut don;lt give her more ammunition...please think about these points....and hope things get better for you.

sash

Dear Lilflower

Its really a bad idea to put your fights with DH in open in front of inlaws. Its good that you realised it , now you can still control the damage.
To bring some peace to the situation you can try this ...
Since there is no privacy in the house rightnow.. take the first step yourself to mend things , invite your DH for little outing to some park or coffee shop where you can talk to him. Explain that so much of cooking, cleaning plus office work is taking its toll on you and you do not want the extra pressure to spoil the husband wife relationship. Suggest hiring part time maid service till inlaws are there. You can search if in your area there is someone who provides Indian food then you can order from there once in a while. Also you don't have to churn out extensive dishes all the time, once in a while go easy with the menu. DH can explain to them that full fledeged meals are not practically possible for you rightnow. DH can do his bit by being neat and organized in kitchen , by handling the laundry etc. Make a pact to discuss or even yell at eachother in privacy only !!! Never in front of inlaws. Ask for his suggestions too.
Approach him not by accusing him or his parents but by showing your concern about your relationship.
Since your inlaws are there for a visit only , they will sooner or later leave. So till then have courage and patience. You donot have to burn out yourself by handling so many things all the time. Take outside help in housework.
Sad to know that mil doesnot offer any help, but if your mil is otherwise good then may be she can at least cut the veggies, fold the clothes etc... do some light work sitting in the chair itself. If she does cook at her home then she can once in a while cook your DH's favourite dish. She might even feel happy if she gets appreciation.
Please keep your calm, they are not going to stay forever.
Practising calming techniques like yoga / meditation will sure bring results but you also need to reduce your workload to become relaxed.

Regards.

Dear Lilflower,

Stress and over-working yourself to the limit can do a lot of bad things to you without you even realizing it. I think this is what is happening in your case.

I totally agree with Sashie and Oaktree that fighting in front of in-laws (or for that matter even in front of your parents), is a no-no. I toally agree with Oaktree's suggestion about getting some help to decrease your workload. This is a MUST. Over-working yourself is surely going to lead to an irritable mental frame.

When you have many things on your plate and nothing seems like it can wait, you have to start prioritizing things in the order of their importance to you personally, according to how they impact your life (that inlcudes you and family). Make a list of all things you do and prioritize them. This list could (and should) have things suhc as keeping a happy disposition, not fighting with hubby in front of anyone etc. Then there will be certain things that you will have to do even though they are not a priority for you, especially since in-laws are here. For example, may be a conversation with a distant in-laws side realtive or inviting people that you do not really care for much. Make a separate list of all of these non-priority things that you have to do. Once you have the two lists, you have to keep making sure in every situation that the priority stuff is not getting compromised due to the non-prirority stuff. That is what I call daily life balance. It is a constant set of decisions you are making on an hourly basis about where you spend your time and energy.

Surely there will be times when you cannot avoid doing the non-priorty stuff but make sure you minimize the time and the energy you spend on it. Try to do less. Try to do it quick or try to get some help to do it. Or do it in parts. Little today, some tomorrow. But make ure you do not let the prirorty things suffer because you were very busy doing the non-priority stuff.

If you understand computers, you would have heard of "interrupts". Our daily life is full of these interrupts. While we are processing (doing) things, an interrupt comes along (in the form of someone or something demanding our time and attention). The computer always makes a choice as to what interrupt it wants to process and how soon or how late and in what order. Our daily life is like that. We need to choose what interruptions we process and in what order. It is very important to do that otherwise we feel like we are running at super sonic speed yet not much is getting achieved. Or we get so tired and exhausted that we do not even enjoy the fruits of our labor.

It takes time to figure out what is important to us and what can wait. But once you start the process of prioritizing you will start getting better at it and it will help you tremendously in every sphere of your life. This list is always a work in progress. Depending on the situation and the work at hand you add or take things out of the list and arrange their order.

And yes, like Oaktree has suggested, please schedule a one-on-one time with hubby everyday or at least every other day where you both talk freely. Again, this time must go in your list of priorities.

Good luck. just take it easy, unburden yourself and enjoy your wonderful husband.

SS

Thanks Sashie, you are so right, I'll be careful to never ever let go of my emotions and quarrel with DH in front of in-laws henceforth.

Thanks SS for sharing your wisdom. You can't imagine how much your words influenced me..I read it 3-4 times to absorb the essence completely, and am definitely going to learn how to segregate my priorities. I think it'll definitely help me keep my spirit positive and prevent me from feeling overwhelmed..

Thanks so much Oaktree for your suggestions. Am going to talk to my husband calmly about everything that is stressing me out..

But hiring a part time maid is out of question. will tell you why..That is another thing that bothers me, and for which I'm keen to know if you ladies have some tips for me ......

My husband is very tight-fisted about money, even when it comes to buying the basic necessities or household stuff..I have to give detailed analysis about why I require to buy certain things..we don't have a bed to lie down now as we've given up the bedroom to our in-laws and sleep on comforters in the hallway.. I recently started experiencing back pain when I wake up (only a slight pain, but am worried that if this goes on, I might end up with chronic back pain)..I tried to explain this to DH that it is essential that we sleep on a good mattress, but he counter-argues saying that lying on the floor is good for back pain, and that we are like gypsies, we might go to another country after an year so why waste money buying things, and so on..What do I say to people who talk like that!!

I dunno why this miserliness when we both are working, and earning decently..If I insist, he says, alright I'll ask my parents to sleep outside in the hall, and acts like am sending wrong signals to his parents!!! (Here, I must say that other than the occasional barbed comments that elderly people would say, and which I completely ignore, I do not have any major probs with both my in-laws) Well, that was never my intention. I tried talking calmly without any reference to in-laws whtsoever, but he doesn't want to hear any of it..Me pressing on would lead to arguments, and am really sick n tired of that!

In the face of this, I really am not going to ask for a part time maid/ external help!

Could you please advice how to convince my husband to let go of some $$$ for essentials? I have a bank a/c and full access to my money, but I really would like to take a joint decision when it comes to buying certain household stuff.

And I think am getting brainwashed becoz these days I feel guilty and have second thoughts even asking for basic furniture or kitchen ware. I am against exhorbitant spending too and don't need/ crave luxury, am just asking for a decent lifesytle! You could say this is one more reason for my frustration..Am I wrong somewhere in asking for these basic things??????? Should I just keep quiet and grin and bear these mild discomforts till my in-laws leave? Please help.

Lilflower

Lilflower, When you are living in a country like USA and when both are working you can afford to spend a little on a good mattress, you can get a good mattress for under $300 when there is a sale. You can buy used mattress but personally, mattress is one of the things that I will never buy used.(Even though no one wants to admit it you can end up inheriting lots of unwanted things from a used mattress) . You can get good used furniture, and every city in USA has a store that specializes in used items so don’t be afraid to spend a little and enjoy your current life.

I used to be like your husband, and whatever I save I end up spending buying things for my sisters, BIL, niece and nephew but now it has got out of hand and I am seeing the true colors of my sisters when I stopped sending gifts from USA.

Dear lilflower,
I can understand ur situation, as my husband is also a miser, just like urs. Well, to say the truth, I've myself got some of his miserly qualities after our marriage, in the name of adjustment. But, some of my husband's deeds I too find unbearable (like the mattress incident u described). As Max0069 pointed out, a good mattress is a necessity n u shd get one indeed. Tell him your back isnt improving after lying on the comforter continuously. May b u can search the net for articles abt sleep comfort n make him realise the importance of a good mattress. You can find out cheap deals n inform him. Or, u can say that u ppl can buy it instead of some usual gift/allowance u give each other for some festival/bday. Or, if ur in-laws r really caring n wudnt cash in on this opportunity (to create a fight bet. u n ur hubby), u can even ask them to advise ur husband to get a mattress. Good luck!
Sandhya

Dear Max,
Exactly. I hope my hubby realises this some day!!

Dear Sandhya,
Thanks for your support. I find it really quirky and annoying to find that my thinking is slowly getting influenced by his..Am trying to get rid of that mentality and find my feet now.
I'll take ur advice and set out on Mission Convincing..

Thanks!
Lilflower

hi liliflower,

I will come back with a detailed post later..

but want to share this with you.

If you have back pain of any sort,...lying in the floor is the best. Bed is not an option at all.. since your spine needs firm base not mattress or boxsprings... if u have a mild pain and start using mattress, you might end up with this pain all your life. Believe me, I know people who suffers from such pain and this is the advice given by docs and chiros.

Originally Posted by lilflower

Dear Max,
Exactly. I hope my hubby realises this some day!!

Dear Sandhya,
Thanks for your support. I find it really quirky and annoying to find that my thinking is slowly getting influenced by his..Am trying to get rid of that mentality and find my feet now.
I'll take ur advice and set out on Mission Convincing..

Thanks!
Lilflower

Lilflower , I remember sleeping on comforter when I moved . We still hadnt got our things from our movers.Please do not do for too long. By the time we slept on the comforter for a fortnight, my neck and my back were hurting.
Why dont your try buying a futon, Its as good as a mattress and very comfortable. Its not that expensive also.