Am I a bad DIL?

Hi,

I have been married since last 3 years. Me and my hubby had a love marriage. Though my parents were not ready earlier later on they agreed to get us married. But marriage was arranged by my in-laws. Since then my hubby has some issues with my parents and he doesn't like coming to my parent's house. I also don't force him much. My parents and in-laws stay in nearby places and currently am staying with my hubby in different city.
Though my in-laws are quite good I still don't find myself comfortable at their place. When am at in-laws house, all I have to do is be in kitchen and do the house work. My MIL is kinda orthodox. She doesn't like few thngs I do but she doesn't say in front of me. Instead she will tell it to others and sometimes I come to know this thr' my SIL who is quite friendly with me. As I don't get my own space in in-laws house, I don't feel like going there. Recently I had a baby and I had to stay at their place for 2 months. THose were the worst days of my life...I don't now feel good about them...I have so much hatred for them in my heart...I can't tell this to my hubby because he gets angry if i say anything against his parents. Whenever we g to in-laws place now, I prepare myself to become strong to spend days there.
Now my hubby is going on a long tour and wants me to stay with in-laws. I agreed to tht on condition tht Half of the days I will stay with my parents. Bt my hubby is angry with this idea and says I shud give more time to in-lws. He thinks am selfish and dont think abt his parents. Though this is partially true I really don't know wht to do. I really feel damn pathetic to stay without hubby at my in-laws place. My SIL stays in same city as my in-laws and keeps coming to home to meet her parents quite frequently. My huby doesn't see ant issue with this bt if i wish to stay with my parents then he creates a big issue out of it and is not ready to discuss anything on it. Am i wrong on my front...am so confused now...i don't want to hurt him bt i also hv right to live for myself and do things which i am happy with...don't I? Pleas tell me wht shall i do...

Hi
I do not think its a big issue for you to spend half of days at your parents house. I dont know why some man are against to this.

Well try to explain to him about it whenever he is in good mood. Don't start an argument, talk to him friendly. Even after if he is not ready to listen then he is being adament.

You are not being bad DIL, if you love your husband and not want to go against his decision then you need to balance the situation at your in-laws place. Whenever you spend time at their house ignore all dislike things they do or say. Because your DH get angry when you bring up bad things about them.

I don't understand one thing, why all trouble making MIL forgot that they were once a DIL to someone. I am not pointing your MIL lonely.

Good Luck on your tour!

-Sharmy-

Dear lonelySoul,
Well, you arent a bad dil or a bad wife! These ppl (husband n in-laws) r trying to blackmail u emotionally using such words to see if u give up n meekly accept their rule.

We're in the same boat.
Many men think their wives shd forget n give up her relatives after marriage. Outwardly, they behave well, but inwards, these are their thoughts. I have the same pressure from my hubby. He wants me to spend 5 weeks at his house n < 2 weeks at mine. I've pleaded with him, argued, did everything to convince him. He n his parents think they're superior & I m a good dil only if i severe the ties with my parents n make them visit me in their house! They create many misunderstandings bet me, my hubby n my parents n now, DH never even talks to my parents.

Many ppl, esp. Dr. Preethi, have advised me how to handle this situation. Cheer up girl n dont lose hope. Go through my previous post to read abt how to handle this situation. Good luck!
Sandhya

Hi lonelySoul,

Almost most of DILs travel in same boat as you.
To convince you I am telling all this truth.
I am also love married abt 4 yrs ago and my in laws conducted their marriage.
I have to go inside a totally different environment in in-laws place -cross culture.
I have to live with my MIL (FIL has already expired before marriage).She is a very orthodox lady. She k now I am from different culture and she did not even attempt to explain me abt the culture they follow (Suttham ,madi, acharam etc), but wanted me to follow since day 1 of marriage. She used to comment abt me to maid who stays along with us , since I am working , this back biting starts from time I leave to office till I come back.

I have heared her commenting abt me when inside the room to the maid thinking I may not hear it.
I have made it clear that I am ready to accept her culture, still she would not allow me to cook anything ib the kitchen , even during festivals she prefers cooking by herself everybody else should eat and imp. you cannot comment on her cooking to her,

She has never once appreciated me for my good drawings / good manohara kolam or Rangoli I used to put.(She is a teacher).

She is in US now. Now I am cooking and manage to work at office and home. I manage to celebrate festivals and make dishes which I am making for first time in my life (kozhukattai, vadai , poli) in a tasty, good way.

She called to enquire abt the celebrations , and I told the dishes I prepared, Not EVEN A SINGLE WORD OF APPRECIATION came from her mouth saying I was able to manage.
Even my husband never he appreciates my work......Only few men and ILs understand and appreciate the wifes / DIL's work.......And I would call them Blessed really blessed......

KANAVAN AMAIVADHELLAM KADALVUL KODHUTTHA VARAM....This is my saying............which is more important than other normal proverbs.

Regards,
Harsh.

Hi ,

Before I start tlking about your problem .. I must say my opinion on your user name ! Aint good .. Everyone feel lonely amidst a million always but you shouldnt create a negative vibe to yourself, lady ! I do not say smile all the time and even during tears.. But you should stop pitying yourself ! Because once you start doing that you will never be able to see through the problems !! You must wade through the emotions and be bold to face any given situation .. No point cribbing over issues.. we need to move ahead looking for ways to solve it .. You may discover a lot of strength within !! This is my read and opinion about your nature .. This is in a way answer to your problem I feel..
Your husband dislikes your parents.. a'int your problem !! Not all parents accept love as yet ! So if your parents threw tantrums then it was right int heir own way ! We cannot change their mndsets.. If he dislikes your parents he neednt visit them often or neednt do anything out of his way ! But that doesnt mean you need to cut ties .. He is talking silly ! So had his parents disagreed to the wedding you had to behave this way ?? No will the answer... things do not work like that.. Try telling him once ..if he doesnt understand this and want to revolt aged people then ignore and tell him someday he will understand the bitterness of that !

Now do not just listen to what your SIL tells about your mom in law ! How can you trust her so much ? Even if she is telling the truth .. why is she bothered so much about what your MIL feels about you ! that is for you to handle.. Do not believe and behave listening to others..

Your MIL is orthodox.. so what ? She is going to be around for a few more years.. Do not just keep hating her.. Have you ever wondered why she dislikes you ( or have you really heard it from her that she does?? ) Maybe she doesnt like few ways of yours.. I am not asking you to impress anyone.. but you could just try and build a " normal relationship " if not a wonderful one !!! You havent been clear on what went wrong during that 2 month stay in your IL's house.. Whatever it maybe.. it cannot be undone , right ? So put it behnd your mind.. and move on ! It migt have been a bitter episode but.. there is nothing you can do about it now isnt , dear ?? It is good to hear that you " prepare yourself " to spend time in your IL's house.. All of us need to do it at some point..
We are ' prepared ' to behave neat and decent when we are kids when we visit others or we have guests at home !
We are ' prepared ' by our moms to grow into lovely woman who automatically get her virtues to live in someone's life and house !
We are ' prepared ' by God to become mothers !
We ' prepare ' ourselves to live with this stranger called ' husband ' !
and so many more.. so this is just another ' preparation ' from your side !! Simple !
For whatever reason you hate your in laws.. just keep it within and do not show case it all the time ! Else it will definitely spoil your married life someday ! You do not want it to happen isnt ? Morever you have said that your " ILs are sweet " .. Now you cannot keep hating sweet people for years for they have hurt you few times.. !!
Marriage is package from God ! You dont just get husband.. you also have In laws and a whole lot of relatives and tantrums with him !! Sometimes they are ' perks ' sometimes they are arent !!
About your husband.. now he is the one you need to be firm to.. You tell him either you stay at your home or you are gong to be spending half the days at your mom's house and half at your ILs.. There is no change in that and you do not want to hear his tantrums on this.. Instead say you will stay at your house and you could get your mom to be with you till he is back ! You dont want to be selfish and expect the same from him too ! It is not about your right to be with your parents.. it is your desire and you want to go ahead with it !! Be firm and stick to your decision ! Do not involve parents , ILs or any Tom and Harry into this ! Just a little bold being will help !! Keep us posted on IndusL .. All of us care !!

Hi DrPreethis

Thanks for such a encouraging reply. As you rightly said..I need to stop pitying myself else I will never be able to move ahead in life...I do that most of the times bt sometimes I just feel so depressed tht I can't encourage myself to face the situation....
Since past week my husband and myself are having fights on some or the other issues...Always am the first to patch up with him...bt this time am too frustrated..I want some peace of mind....I just patched up on saturday and ystrday again we hd fight....as i had written previously he is going on tour next month...before tht he is going on another tour this month end which will last for 10 days.. he will be back in next month's 2nd week and will go on long tour after 10 days...he asked me to go to my in-laws place for the first tour ...i told him tht as he will be back in 10 days..i won't go to ILs instead will go there when he goes on long tour..he hd agreed to tht..now last night we called his mother...and she asked him to drop me at their place when he goes for short tour...so again he asked me to go to ILs place when he goes for 1st tour...i told him tht it will be very disturbing for our baby to travel twice in a gap of 10 days so better we drop this idea and stick to previous schedule..since then he is nt talking to me ...also giving me sarcastic remarks like 'you don't hv to bother abt me..' etc when I do something for him...also he doesn't eat anything at home when he is angry...I jst don't know wht to do....why can't he understand tht i hv my own opinion and why can't he respect it...why i shud kill myself evrytime to keep him and his family happy...i really love him bt this week had been too pathetic for me...am still feeling damn depressed...any advice for me?

Dear Girl ,

Your hubby needs to think on his own.. he needs to do what he decides first instead of being instigated by his mom . Just be firm.. Say you are more comfortable at home.. and will think of visiting your in laws home when he goes on a long tour.. Dont get emotional and give way to his tantrums.. When he says " you dont bother about me " .. say the same thing to him back.. Do you think he will understand the sentence the same way as you did ?? What do you think he is starving ?? He must be eating outside.. Dont just give in to emotional blackmail to things against your desires.. This is the problem with we women ! We give up our own convenience although we know it is right only to please our spouse.. and we feel we do that because we love him. We neednt show our love this way, lady ! This way you are showing you are weak and these will start looking as " sacrifices " rather than " love " during the journey of life ! That is not right ! Relationship should comprise of love and adjustments not sacrifices !! If he throws tantrums.. just ignore it.. Do not talk to him.. I believe " a fight " happens only when two people speak ! When one does.. it is just a shout.. Give him the chance to do that ! He will calm down on his own.. You dont have to do anything about it.. You are not wrong and need to just understand and put your foot down when it is required. This is my opinion .. Just your right to live life happy !!

Hi friend,

Saw your post and wanted to suggest something.

Everytime after your visit to in-laws house, your frustration will grow. Your hubby will vent out his anger outside the house and come back afresh. On the other hand, you will take it either on yourself or on your kid which is not good for both of you in the long run.

Dont think he will starve when theres a quarrel b/w both of you.No person can concentrate on work.On the other hand, just stay calm and have your food and concentrate on your child. If you dont want to go to in-laws, then pls dont. Stick to your decision...come-what-may. He might be angry but not many times.Slowly he will come around and understand that you r going to be a good mom for your child.

As Dr.Preethi said just stay calm and dont give it back(for your kid's sake).Try this mantra once and you will know how much you are at peace.I suggest you to divert yourself from the fight and do something else after your hubby leaves you in such state.Try to listen to some music or watch some tv prog or talk to a friend (not abt the quarrel) but in general. For 2-3hrs you do something else and you will get the energy back to focus on things to be done.

Stop saying that you are a bad DIL, stop questioning yourself abt this. Instead keep telling yourself that you are a good wife and a good mom. In-laws have lived their life to the fullest, now its your turn,lady. It might take some time for hubby dearies to get this, but sooner or later, you have to make it comfortable yourself.

Enjoy this time with your kid.Sing and dance along!!!
Take care,
vani