Problems with Mother in law

Hello,

This is my first post here, but I have been visiting this site for a while now. Here is my story.

I have been married for little over a year now. I got married here in the US and none of my husband's family made it to the wedding (They didn't even try coming) my family did both sides of the wedding. But my in-laws said that they will have a big reception for us when we go to India (which didn't happen when we went)

My husband and I met thru shaadi.com, we clicked right away but from day one my family told his family that wedding will happen in the US. My family said we are not in any hurry, you can take you time and come to US and then when you get here we can have the wedding. But my in-laws said that they won't be able to attend the wedding, and they don't mind if the wedding happens in the US. So my family planned the wedding and we got married.

After few months we decided to visit my in-law. Since this was my first meeting with them, I was very excited to meet them. I was going to India after 13 years and I was going for only 2 weeks.

Let me give you little bit of background about my self. I lost my mom when I was 12 years old. My dad and sister who was married and was older than me took care of me.

So when I was going to India, I was very excited to meet my mom in-law and everyone else in my in-laws family. I was thinking that since I didn't get any love from my own mother, I'll treat my mom in law like my mother but that didn't happen when I landed there.

First my mom in-law and her daughter complained about the gifts that I took for them. They told my husband that your wife brought us useless gifts (Believe me they were not useless, I'm a kind of person who doesn't buy someone something that I can't use for myself) My husband asked me and I told him that if they don't like it then I can take it back and use the stuff for myself and I also told him that we can buy everyone gifts from India.

The next day, my mother in law said the same thing to me and I told her very nicely that "mom if you guys don't like it I can take it back and you can buy whatever you want from here in India" She didn't like that answer. And that story ended right there. They never gave me the gifts that I took for them and I never bought them the new ones.

About 4 weeks before we went my mom-in-law had a surgery cuz she had gall stones. In my thinking this surgery was not a big deal and I thought it was just a normal surgery and person recovers after 2-3 weeks. But she is still recovering till this DayJ. She doesn't do anything at home, just sits around and tell her daughter in laws what to do. She is in her early 50's. She can do things around the house if she wants but she doesn't because she has 2 other daughter in laws who spend their whole day looking for the house and cooking. They don't have the right to go shopping or go visit their parents. When ever they need something my mom in law calls her daughter to come and do the shopping for them. They only go once or twice a year to their parent's house.

So when I went shopping for few days and got it what I needed. She use to complain to my husband that you just came for 2 weeks and your wife is always running around doing shopping and stuff. My husband didn't say much but he would tell me to spend some time with his mom which I did.

Then there was my cousin's wedding. All my side of the family is here but everyone went to India because one of my cousin was getting married in India. But I didn't get to see the whole wedding. I went to my house, where the wedding was for only less than 24 hours. The reason behind me not attending the whole wedding was that my mom in-law had a surgery and we need to spend time with her. So I came back. When we came back she didn't even bother asking how the wedding was, so we just ended up sitting there and staring at each other faces.

My mom in law is not happy with me cuz I'm not her choice of daughter in law and her son married me here in the US without her, and she tells me that all the time. This is not my fault they didn't even try coming to the wedding but now she blames me. She uses to make very hurtful comments on me. For example, go change that dress you look dark in this color etc…. (one day she made me change 3 times) and I'm kind of the person who wears whatever I am not what other people wants me to wear, but I still did it. They made my life hell in two weeks, by saying silly things and I just wanted to run out of there. I was glad that I only went for two week and not more than that. I didn't say anything to them while I was there and I don't know why she doesn't like me. When we were coming back I touched her feet's and she didn't say a word, didn't even say bless you. She was very rude to me.

Now the problem is whenever my husband talks to her she says something to him and he tells me what she said and we end up having argument for no reason. I told my husband many times not to tell me what she says behind my back but he can't help it. For example she would say that the neighbors said that your wife is dark and this really irritates my husband and then he starts thinking that he has made a big mistake by marrying me without his mom choice. My husband is very emotional and she knows how to make him emotional. For example will say you were my youngest son and I didn't get to attend your wedding and I didn't get to pick your wife.

So when ever he talks to her we end up having arguments. He use to call her everyday but now he only calls her 2-3 times a week, because I keep him busy with other things. Which is still a lot, I understand that he that you should call your parents often but only if the parents don't create any problems. I'm not selfish; I don't mind my husband calling her everyday if she doesn't say anything to him about me. I talk to her once a week and she speaks to me nicely but she can't stop talking behind my back.

I need your advice on how should I tell my husband to cut down on calling his mom to once a week? I don't want to be rude but I need to tell him in order to stop the arguments that we have because of her.

She also wants us to visit India end of this year. I don't want to go cuz last time they gave me very hard time. I didn't get to go anywhere and didn't get to go shopping at the shops that I wanted to go to. I did some shopping but they were not my favorites. SO should I go or not?

I never wanted my mother in law to be like her. I wanted to get the love from my mother in law like a mom but that didn't happen. And I don't think it will happen now because she been very rude to me and I don't love her the same way I use to. Please advice what should I do. They are also planning on coming here and staying with us.

I know it's a long post but Thank You for your time. :)

Welcome to marriage woes

Well Lady, somethings are better learnt early than late. You are better off without saying anything about frequency to call MIL. Because anyway it wont have effect. And I am not sure why your folks didnt think it was an issue that none of hte guy's side attended marriage. Thats actually a big deal. I think better offer should have been to do marriage at both places. rather than being adamant on only doing in US. It starts the whole thing with wrong footing. Be prepared to listen this whole life from whole slew of relatives. People just love to remind wrong doing committed. It gives them some level os satisfaction.

If you can control anything, than thats your reaction to what is handed out by MIL. If she passes some picky comment to husband. And he conveys it to you, laugh off saying, "you know what my mom was also saying something like this about you. But I guess its too late now. And May be for mom no one is good enough for their kids. "

Ria

Well we told them that they can come and then we can have the marriage but they refuesed to come and instead said to go ahead with the wedding here in US and when we go to India they will have reception there. And when we went to India, they didn't even had any reception for us???? If they agreed to everything then they shouldn't be blame me for it. It's not my fault, is it?

It isnt .. Because you werent aware of what actually could happen later.. Well.. leave the marriage ceremony aside now and concentrate on your relationship with your husband. it is better you do not give your valuable opinion on your husband's calling frequency . It will change for the worse or wont at all ! Instead just tell him not to say anything about conversations he had with his mom that could provoke any fights between you both.. I mean SAY it ! You dont have to sound rude for this. Just say that you both need to be happy and you do not bother about the rest of the world. When he says you are dark.. remind him that he did see you before marriage and his reaction wasnt this. He had options and wasnt forced to the wedding. He should not be instigated by others' comments and should think on his own. Wasnt your photograph sent to yur in laws before marriage ? Then why this fuss now ?? If you hadnt, then both of you are to be blamed for this. He did take his parents' consent then right ? Life and marriage are not lived on complexion. Make him realise your goodness and just keep doing your best to remain in love for ever. He will slowly realise that his beautiful wife is not what the world sees her as ! You could occassionally pull a fast at him sayin one of our neighbours said you looked old like Einstein , but all that the neighbours say cannot be taken seriously is'nt ?? We should stop hearing to the world and listen to what we have to say to each other !! About your trip to India.. i feel you should give a little more time for your MIL to gather more comments from her intellectual neighbours about you !! Maybe by next year she should be ready.. ! C'mon this is all you can do to help her . Before your trip next year.. ask them what they want else do not carry any gift ( especially what you did last time) .. and tell them you did that because they dont like anything from US . Instead buy it for them from India. Lastly, they are called Mom - in laws ! They are given to us by our husbands and not by God ! Be yourself and do not look at her as a bad or good woman. After some years, who knows you may post about her in IL
" MY MOTHER IN LAW.... SWEETEST !!
Take care, Sweety

hi MS sweety, i agree with RIA, about his family not attending the wedding....The way i see it,Even though you confirmed everything with your inlaw before you got married, they will still blame you for everything. My il's are the same...these people can;t admit they are wrong, or that their son can be partly to blame for anything...they will always throw all the responsibilty onto you...sorry but i have experienced this too, many, many times.....
Now about the part where you donl;t want to visit india again, i am in similar situation, my il;s treat me horribly, and wonder why i don;t want to visit them , or why i do not want to attend any of their family weddings etc.(my il;s also talk lots about me to all their relatives etc...) I knwo there are alot of women in similar shoes as you, but the biggest thing that will affect your decision is your husbands attitude and behavior through all this. Ask him what he would like,and maybe try to comprimise, i wish i had done that more often.

sash

Sweetie... Welcome to the endless pit

Just kidding...

You have mentioned that your husband cannot stop from telling all about the conversation he had with his mom. Also the emotional blackmail of his mom that they couldn't attend their youngest sons marriage.

If he had made that decision whole heartedly, he better stick to it whatever the consequences are. If he was so much tied to his family, then he would have very well waited till they made it to US right. You or your family did not pressure him. You both did not run away to get married. So why you take the heat?

Next time, talk to him openly. Ask him what he feels. A guy cannot make a decision knowingly and then regret all his life. That will make not just his, but yours pure hell. Tell him a decision has been made, he chose you for who you are, got married and are leading a life together. Its upto you both to make our life happy or hell. Tell him how he wants to lead this life. Given one life, you cannot lead a life thinking that your partner thinks he made a mistake and married you. Thats worst. Talk openly and sort it out.

Now coming to the other side of the issues. Assuming ->You both love each other wholeheartedly and want this marriage to work ...... then all you got to do this IGNORE - IGNORE and IGNORE. I know its hard. But just ignore whatever comes out of your ILs mouth during the stay. Be like a thick skinned person for those 2 weeks. Their success in hurting you is when you show emotions. Never make them win.

If they make you do something and it hurts your pride, then be bold to express that. Like, If they say you are darker, politely say, yes I am and I am happy for what I am. But I don't think I need to change anything to make others feel better. you have some self respect and pride for yourself lady and don't do such silly things just because your MIL asked. 13 years away from India and you still fall for this fair skinned BS? You are beautiful. No matter what others think.

About gifts and stuff, you can just ignore. As preethi advised ask them what they need, else dont buy anything. Whether you buy or not, they are going to blame you anyways

Chill out, enjoy your life. these silly things shouldnt come in the vicinity of your thoughts at all.

Dear sweety,
I understand your woes.........as far as in-laws not attending the wedding I don't think it is your fault. Your husband should have planned something out for his family he knew them better than you did, and like you said they could not be here for some reason but be prepared to listen to your mils complaint for the rest of your life , just brush it off and you will get used to it, good thing you are in US and them in India.
About calls to Inlaws, don't tell your husband to cut down rather make plans to do something together slowly over time I'm sure the frequency will definitely decrease. Be patient on this one, tell him you dont want to know what they talked about.

When you go to India, keep very low expectations, do whatever you have to , don't bother to buy any gifts for anyone from here.If you have to, buy stuff for them there itself, that way you can do your own shopping too.

Lastly, MIL can never be a mom, never compare , and don't expect, this will only disappoint you. MIL is who she is and treat her accordingly.
Like you I lost my mom at age 12, have a younger sister whom I took care of, I'm telling you from experience.

Good Luck!

Thank You very much for your support. I already feel better after reading your advices.

Great Job ladies....