Inlaws wrecking my life- Please read and help!!!

This is going to be a long post - Thanks in advance for your patience and time.
Truly I never thought I will be posting in a forum asking for help but since I am in that situation- I definitley need help and opinions.
A little background- I loved my husband for 4 yrs, came to the US and we both did our masters and then married. We had a great 7 years of marriage. My inlaws have occasionally been mean/unreasonable but I have brushed it away since I was in love with my husband and so adored his family too. I remember the times when I came to this country and my husband would do everything from laundry to vaccum, even light cooking. My only job those days were to cook. He would also be extremely encouraging and helped me cope up with school.
I have even written articles about him in rediff etc- Just that I appreciated him enough and in my own way did things for him.
Coming to my inlaws - On the outside they are very nice but really they are not - I just failed to see those cues before and am realizing it after 8 years. From the beginning whatever they do is right. I called my husband my name and nee,va ,po (without respect) for 4 years since I knew him from college. They insisted I don't call him by name and I suddenly changed it for them one fine day - Personally this was hard for me because I felt the closeness was gone but since my husband also wanted this - I did it. They would not treat my parents respectfully but they too did everything for my sake.
Trouble started or I realized their true colors when they came to look after my son. OK, To me my children are very important and I like to treat them as individuals and would take their view no matter how small they are.MY FIL never liked me giving inputs to him about what the children like, or that he should do this and not that with the children. To me that was important since I work and these are my children- and that I want to take active interest. I understand if he feels I am going on giving them imstructions and he coudl always talk to me- But instead he would go: Shut up - I have brought up 3 children and several grand children and you cannot talk to me like that. This was my first shock - what was more shocking was my husband (who has so long been so fair) kept quiet. More such incidents happened- one other fact is my FIL is too much into his wife. My MIL completely controls the kitchen- even if I tell her to relax and that I will cook - she won't let me. But they won't keep quiet- at every avaiable opportunity my FIL says: Look how much amma is working.
This time around when they came to the US - They just didn't know how to handle the children. My older one is a little sensitve - My FIL will go on be teasing him making him very cranky. They are a little better to my younger one but that partiality bugs my older one. The younger one was also not truly happy- if he wants to play with the kitchen dishes- my inlaws would say no and take it away and the child would try to get away from them when they came to lift him. My point was what is going to happen if he plays for a little time with the tawa and ladel.They seemed to have no child psychology and the kids truly didn't like being with them which caused them to be even more cranky when I came back from work. All the stress was wearing me down and my husband would not open his mouth. Also if I genlty tell my inlaws to spend more quality time with the children like understand them, paint with them, read to them - they will fall on deaf ears- They will take the children outside only because they want to go for long (I mean really long walks- 2-3 miles), and the children would be even more tired.
One day things erupted when my FIL was like :look at how amma is suffering here and I asked them- you know there's so much work here - knowing that only you came right. I know that was a harsh statement but my point was if they wanted me to do something they could always move away from the kitchen and tell me to do so. I am pretty hard working and I truly enjoy cooking. Immediately my FIL started using bad words on me - I cringe to even say it out here. And I was shocked beyond words especially pained that my husband was not suppporting em- Instead he said - Shut your mouth. I dread those words. Then I called my parents to talk to them but they ignored them- My husband did talk to my parents (thankfully) but he still kept saying that I was wrong. There was tension in the house and my FIL's behaviour to my older son got worse and worse. In turn he started expressing : You are mean, thatha and all that.We all went to India and me and the children felt we were in jail. They would not spend any quality time with us or try to understand us but instead take us out on long temple trips down south. I forgot to mention- they are blindly religious and think falling at swamijis feet will solve all their problems. These things bothered me so much since you all can realize how difficult is it to take children on long trips in India- they don't eat well, keep crying etc.
We thankfully came back to the US, and since me and my husbad don't concur on what happened- our relationship is going down. Now I do most of the work- cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids etc. He goes out to play volley ball on weekdays and comes and watches TV. Of course he spends a little time with the kids but no quality time with me except before the TV. Also he definitely does not want to hear me out when I talk about his parents and keeps saying if I don't like them to move out.
I don't know where our relationship is heading - I want my old husband back and definitely don't want my children to suffer with my FIL. So, I don't want to live with them - The thing that bugs me is half these problems would have been solved if my husband tells them things - but i think he is scared of them (and won't accept it). This plus my 2 SILS who keep saying- you are obsessed with your kids etc- who would say these things on someone's face and expect love back.
When I tell my husband to restrict his volleyball to the weekdays and not weekends and spend some quality time with me and the kids- he says I bug him. What happened to the patient loving guy. I am at wits end and badly want back my old life. Now I feel very forced to love him and think that my love also has gone down because he does not offer any emotional support to me and wants to move on and ignore the things that happened.
MY INLAWS COMPLETELY WRECKED MY LIFE. Thought are very appreciated.

Read your whole post...somewhat similar to my life...but in mine the impact is even more.
From what I see of your hubby's behaviour lately.....I am 100% sure he WILL NOT TELL his parents. Now digest that fact and start working on your plan B to tackle this situation.

How long has it been since they left from here and your India trip? I mean since all the incidents are fresh in your hubby's mind, give it sometome to settle down. If you start asking him to do things, he will surely say that you are nagging him. He is still fresh out of his parents brain-washing stage. So let him be alone for sometime. You go on doing things...dont ask him to anything extra. I know it will be tough on you since you are also working full time, but try this for some days (I personally feel that physical stress is better than the mental one) and then slowly ask him to pitch in more.

Now coming to calling him in singular - I think if you both are ok with it, you should continue to call him like that whenever you both are alone. Call him in plural or better still switch to english when in front of other elder relatives:) This is what my cousin's wife does...I remember my whole family objected to her calling my cousin in singular. So smart girl she is...switched to english in front of all my family:) she continued to call him in singular when alone...and everyone seemed to accept that. Talk to your hubby abt how you feel abt closeness being gone..I am sure when he gets out this brain-wash mode he will understand it.

About IL's taking care of children - See IL's are old...they have their own set of right and wrong things. You cannot change their views at this age...so don't even expect them to understand your points. No matter how correct you are....they will always feel that you are wrong and naive in the parenting and cooking field!!! And from what you've written, your hubby will support them...you have seen this fact. Maybe you can tell them...that oh! you are such great parents....but let me also learn parenting by handling my children etc etc. Tell in a softer tone and see. Or better still...do actions silently.. like asking your children to go and wash their face or some thing else to distract them from the scene or take them out with you for some time, because sometimes speaking bluntly on their face irritates them to the core and they will try to ruin the peace and harmony b/w you and your hubby. I know its easier to tell this....even for me I am a person who show her feelings on the face right there...I cannot hide my feelings not act in front of others.

About your FIL irritating your older son - you can have a talk with your son and tell him. I am sure children these days are more mature than we think!! I can see the level of maturity in my 3 yr old already...the way she puts her points across etc.

Try to calm down first and don't keep thinking of the past events..I know its tough, but do this as an investment for your future life and happiness. Enjoy activities with your children and generally be happy around the home. Call other kids and have playdates often and talk to your kids about how happy you are etc etc. For sometime ignore your hubby dear in all these!!! and that is what will turn him around. That will make him yearn for your and the kids company...

Good luck and cheer up...be a blooming violet not a shrinking one please:)
Sihi

Thanks a ton Sihi. I know..I know What you said is totally true and I am trying hard. But it irks me thinking that his parents came and spoiled the beautiful relationship we had. Now I am afraid things can never be the same as before. Also although I know my husband is a good guy - if he is really good shouldn't he offer emotional support to his wife instead of ignoring the entire thing and phasing out? I guess, like you mentioned, I am frank and outspoken and like to sort out things. I would love it if he can just tell me : Dear, I know we have all gone through a lot. Let's forget it and move on and maybe give a hug or kiss. But he is not that kind anymore. Of course we are moving on - meaning we planned a mini vacation etc in the coming weeks but things sort of seem forced and not natural.Sihi, you should be thinking I have the questions and answers. That is my plight - I sort of want to go back to the fairy tale life and forget what happened. But things keep coming back!!!! I'll definitely take your tips. Thanks for your time. I truly appreciate it.

All I can say here is "Life can never be a bed of roses" and no man is perfect. Time can heal these things now. He will also realise the changes in your family lives now after living thru the 7 years of "fairy tale" life as you said. Afterall he is also a human..give him some time.
I am sure he cannot go against his parents nor will accept their shortcomings in front of you...thats for sure. Most of the men will not do this..only maybe 1 in 100 or 1000 might accept their parents flaws in front of their wives. Think of how you will feel as a MIL when your son comes and tells you to mend your ways or thinking some 40yrs down the line. Our current 'modern' views might be outdated at that time.....and we will be the old in-laws trying to manipulate and take-over their lives...right? Try to think in those lines...might help you a great deal in cutting down your own expectations from your hubby for in-laws.

I am like you too..frank and outspoken and think that if only my hubby comes and gives me a hug, I am ready to forget anything and everything and move-on. Let me tell you a statement my hubby told me..it might help you get some insight on how they think ...he says "I am not a computer to press the reboot button and re-start". Women usually speak out and vent feelings and move on...but men do not do that. Instead they tend to cut themselves off from everything to recoup.

Not all men are good at emotionally supporting their wives...or else a forum like this would never exist...with so many of us pouring and venting our feelings and helping, supporting each other:)

Good luck and enjoy your mini vacation by you being normal like before. That can help him heal too.
Sihi

Hello Violet (I don wan2 cal u shrinking..... indus ladies wil nvr let u shrink )
Don worry.... i can understand the situation whn u hav both the questions and answers.
Blv me it is horrible. Go by sihi's advice... thts really gr8!

A very good tip and smthng tht helped me too.... watch the movie MITR.
it wil really refresh u!
make urself occupied. don expect anythng from anyone
if ur husband doesn't support u doesn't mean tht he doesn't love u

y do u expect him to love u.... u love him truly and evidently(i know its too much... but kya karen... karna padega) blv me... husbands r worse than our kids... they need more pampering.... y not pamper them

even though u make urself occupied... don irritate him
even if he is not spending time with u.... u do.... the bottom line is nvr expect anythng from him.. i know easier said than done.... but try....

one more tip dear, if u r a frank and out spoken kind... try to hide those traits esp whn it comes to ILs issues.
ur greatest weapon against all hardships created by ur ILs is ur husband's support
if he doesn't open his mouth... no need... wht u do.... jus grin and bear wht they say... don complain abt them to ur husband.

no son wil fight his mom in front of his wife.
it is like tht.... even if she is 200% wrong

luckily u hav 2 wonderful reasons to b happy and forget all woes... ur kids!
take them out. plan smthng with them on all weekends... include ur hubby too
if he says no i can't make it.... tel him like this "Oh no! v wil mis u darling! may b nex time u wil b with us"...... and give him a (oooh! too romantic)
take life as it comes... enjoy every moment and learn to tackle all situations

this is a gr8 forum and u wil hav a lot of frns here

my husband also helps me a lot in my household chores.... and im not working
still he does cleaning, light cooking and washing
may b he wil change..... let him.... but im confident il get him back

be confident dear! he is all urs and is not gonna go anywhr from u

u said u hav planned for a vacation rt. make it a memorable one.
no fights at all... if he gets irritated... jus tel him sorry (even if u r not wrong)
and tel him it wil b fine soon or u won't repeat it again
life wil b more ec.

Don worry violet.... v wil get u back ur lover boy!!!!

Voilet

I totally agree with whatever Sihi has said. Its dead on.

And I think you are underestimating that you have actually hurt your husband by insulting his parents. So he s nursing those wounds. May be he didnt expect you to that after understanding relation. Its always easy to kill the rapport we build over years.

And I do think You are little over obsessed with your kids. You are not alone, I have seen many NRIs ladies victim of that. I think it happens bcos our world gets so narrow here in US that we over devote oursevles to our kids. Sometime it can really be unnerving for others. I did see that similar thing in my close frends. Some sound over hyped up about their small kids. Like there was this old hostel frend I was meeting after ten years. I called her to my place. Her daughter was some three years old. And you know 90% of the time that lady was baby talking her daughter. Because daughter wont let us talk. And lady didnt find it abnormal. Franly speaking to me it was very foolish to get enslaved like this. But sometimes mothers just dont want to see rational side of it. You cannt teach parenting to your in-laws in their old age. They will never be willing to learn that.

Ria

Thanks for all your inputs. I completely understand that here we are living in our own world and could seem obsessed with our children. But my case is misunderstood. This is an example situation:
My son is sitting on the table eating his breakfast. he is a slow eater. Instead of going: Why don't you finish up fast- This way you can go and play etc or better yet leave it the kid to eat themselves- if they are hungry they will eat. My FIL would go- someone here is a very slow eater. And my son would come complaining to me or just answer back whcih they don't like. Basically they provoke the child but still expect the child to be nice to them. This is just a simple example.

I have let go and kept quiet many times. In fact since they over react, I pretty much stay quiet most of the times to avoid unpleasant arguments even if they say something to the kids. That is the reason why things are building up inside me and frustrating me. Also the generations bygone were different. My father walked 4 miles to his school, I rode a bicycle but maybe wwe'll buy a car for my children. The point is the older genration should understand that things are going to be differnent in this generation. My inlaws don't. My son communicates his feeling well which they think is disrepectful. Even now my son talks about everyone in good terms but when it comes to my FIL - he would go: Somtimes...he is unreasonable. And I would say:Well, he is your grandpa- why don't you tell him if you don't like something. My son says: I did but he does not listen and keeps doing the same thing. Now how do I convince him when I am myself not.

I have problems with my MIL too - she is the foundation of all the fights we have but at least she does not taunt the children.

Like I mentioned I sort of know that I have to be diplomatic in my relations with my inlaws and try to do what I want silently. But I wanted to see what others thought about my situation. Once again, I truly appreciate honest comments because that helps in my perspective.

Also one more thing - which one of you would tolerate it if your inlaws shouted at you with bad words? I think no matter how ugly the situation is, they as elders should only talk and sort it out. That is completely unacceptable to me that they can yell at me with those words.Obviously I get worked up when I even think about them. Won't you? Pl. let me know if you differ.

I 100% agree that we surely feel bad when ILs use bad words against us when they themselves make mistakes. Thats exactly what had happened to me...my FIL used so many of them that some I dont even know the meanings...I did react to those too...just like you did. And that actually hurt me,hubby and my kid rather than my FIL and MIL. My FIL and MIL went back and they were leaving peacefully and threw all the venom on me making me their scapegoat...but our life was ruined to the core here. I had told him right on his face "you are almost on the verge of going near to god....if you start saying such vulgur words to me and insult a woman like this...what face will you show to god when you go up there" I asked him right on his face and walked out of the house. I am sure my MIL was even ashamed that her own hubby is saying those vulgur words. On one hand they say I am like their daughter and on the other they say these cheap vulgur words. I sometimes pity my MIL...she must have gone thru a lot...but still she supports her hubby even now...cannot blame her.....she is uneducated, dependent on him for everything. Anyway leaving my issues aside now.

See..the best thing would be to talk to your son and tell him and explain to him that thatha will keep making sarcastic remarks...he has to learn to ignore them and do his own thing. Don't you think its beneficial for your own son to learn this art/trick (whatever u call it)? Its like giving him a hands-on to deal with such irritating people. This world is not made out of good people...when he is growing up he will have to face many such people like this...be it in school or some gathering etc etc.
Lets take your example case.. ..you could have said to your son after ur FIL's remarks "its ok son...if you don't feel like eating leave it and go play" or when he came to you to complain, you could have taken him outside and told him on how to deal with irritating people like that and also by not hurting them as they are his grandparents.
I am not saying just digest everything your FIL says...but when you are mad. You are right when you say

"That is the reason why things are building up inside me and frustrating me"

Infact you should not let things build up...you should say it then and there in a sarcastic tone just like your FIL does.

I agree that it gets us overworked when we think abt the past events and how IL-s behaved with us. I have gone thru the entire phase myself and I know how it feels. Our negative thinking takes over our rational thinking and we actually cause more harm to the damage thats already done by dwelling over and over the same thing. Honestly I feel, first you should heal urself and give sometime for ur hubby. Things will fall in place and be like earlier.

Cheer up and indulge in some other activites....after all don't give so much importance to your cunning IL's by thinking all the time about them:)) Just take it our of your mind like a weed and see the bright side of your life...don't let it take over you!

You are still lucky that your hubby is still ok and planning vacations and all.

Takecare,
Sihi

You are right. I do give them importance by thinking about them. I'll try and do better. Have a nice weekend. Thanks Ria & Sihi.