no end in sight...help needed

Hi All,

I think i may be the first male to write in this forum. Just got to this forum by looking around on google. My story is as follow:
I came to US for my Masters in Engineering. During my final yr in Bachelor's I had started to like a girl in my college. We had a good time for 3 months appx as friends and I thought that she is the one whom I will end up marrying although I didn't ask her out. I had very limited contact with her when I was in US, usually through emails spread over long time intervals. I always used to think of her although I hadn't told her. The reason why I did not tell her is that I wanted to make sthing out of my life, finish my studies and all.
Anyhow, when I got a job in US, I finally asked her out. At that time, she was about to meet some1 else for her marriage. But she was able to convince her parents and they agreed to marry her with me without even meeting me once. On my side, my parents were against the marriage due to different caste and all. Especially my mom was against it. To give a brief background about my family: we come from a very small town and I have lived my whole life in a joint family with my uncle and his kids. Also, I am the eldest and only son of my parents and had always been their fav be it studies or good name etc etc....So my parents, esp my mom had an issue with inter-caste marriage that she will have to end up to explain about this arrangement to all our relatives and they will scoff at her, leading to an embarassment for her in society (small town) where she had set a good name for herself and me. And my GF knew about this dislike. But somehow, I along with other relatives was able to convince her. My dad visited my GF's place and instantly liked her. Finally everything was good and we got married. This happened within a span of one year and me and my Fiancee had a long-distance relationship on phone. We used to talk everyday.
Now regarding my wife: She has been very independent and strong headed about the way the things should be. She has some bad family history and thats why she values her independence a lot. And she came from a nucleus family and not a joint family.

Now the incidents leading to the issues:
1. My parents had not asked for any dowry and I had ensure my wife-to-be that we do not want any dowry as we are well off in small town that we live in. For shagun, my parents asked for a bed. I had a hard time making her understand that this is not my definition of dowry. But I have to admit that I may be wrong there.

2. In course of our marriage, her parents gifted a golden ring to my dad and mom. My mom was worried that my uncle and aunt who live with us and form a main part of our joint family will get pissed off. Although thats a different story that my mom and my aunt don't go well with each other and have a history. So my mom, who tries to appease every1 even if she has to share her own things, ask my ILs to prepare two rings for my aunt and uncle as well and give it to them. I admit that it was very bad move on her part. And my wife was pissed - 2 days after my marriage, I was banging my head on the wall. I told my dad and mom not to get the ring from my wife's parents. They tried to tell me about joint family, how much my uncle did in marriage and all. But I asked them that it will ruin my life. They said OK to me but the very next day my wife's parents were at our place asking my aunt and uncle to wear the rings. I was so very pissed off at my parents. And this left an indelible impression in my wife's mind that my parents are hypocrite and manipulative.

3. Now both of us are in US. I am working while my wife is on H4 and preparing for her GRE exam. Before my marriage, I used to call my parents twice-thrice a week from US. But after our marriage, I call my parents once a week every Sunday. It is at that time when they talk to us. And it is at that time that I pray that my parents don't say anything wrong to my wife. They haven't said anything disrepectful to her as of now. But some how I am not able to remove my wife's insecurities about them. I asked my wife to call them up in the middle of the week once so as to establish better channel of communication, but she does not like it due to Point 4 and she also said that since I do not call her parents, she does not feel like calling my parents.

4. My wife, like every other human being, does not like to be told to do anything against her wishes. On the other hand, my mom gives priority to other people's wishes. So my mom would sometime ask her to call some of my relatives who has never called us in US. And this is another flashpoint in the pan. She gets irritated with all that.

5. On one of the religious festival, my sister and my uncle's son were visiting my wife's family to give them some gifts on our behalf. His parents gave some money to my sis while they gave no money to my cousin. So, during our normal telephone conversation on Sunday, my mom told my wife that she has to understand that ours is a joint close knit family and it will be good if they can give something to both us and uncle's family so that uncle does not feel bad. A word about my uncle: He is very caring and has treated me as his own son although my aunt has some major issues with my mom. Now, my mom does not want that my aunt should raise an issue that even if my uncle treats me like his own son, my wife's family do not respect him. This led to a Battle of Plassey in my house between me and my wife. I agree that my mom was not right in this, but somehow, I can not control her actions. I even had a fight with her on this issue but I fear that she will repeat that again.

6. In the long term, I am planning to go back to India. My wife is scared about that thought because, she thinks that this way my mom will try to interfere more in our lives. My wife likes wearing western dresses. So one of her major concern is that if she goes to our small town even for short time, my mom will ask her to wear suit/saree. Though, my mom has not said that as of now since we are in US.

7. This Sunday, my mom said on phone to my wife that after my sister's marriage, my parents would like to be with us. And this scared daylights out of her. And then while ending the conversation with my wife, my mom asked my wife to talk to my aunt (Normally when we call home, we talk to all 4 people - dad, mom, uncle and aunt). My mom said that my aunt has complained that my wife has not talked to her for a long time although we did talk to her last week. When my wife told my mom that we talked to aunt last week, she said that my aunt never told her about it. I know that my mom may be manipulative her but I am not sure. And this irritated my wife to no end. Finally we ended up having a humongous fight.

So this is my story of marriage after only 9 months.

My questions to u guys:
- My wife thinks that my parents are my first priority and she is not my first priority. I have tried to convince her that this is not the case - I am responsible for both the sides. But whenever such an issue comes up, we end up having a big big fight. I love my wife but the I also love my parents. What is wrong in that???

-As a common link between my parents and my wife, I have always strived for better communication between them. It is easy for me to talk to my wife since she is here with me but it seems like I am sitting on double edged sword - I can not make my wife see through the things and same way, i can not make my parents understand my wife's reasoning.

- How do I remove my wife's insecurities? I have been very patient with her, accepting what she wants, the way she wants it be it anything. A word about my wife - she loves me a lot. And I also love her a lot. But I am in catch22 situation between rock and deep sea. Is there any way out?

- Is there something where i can get help from my wife/mom???

- I have heard people saying that being a daughter in law is toughest job, but I think that being a husband doted by both mom and wife who don't see any eye to eye on various things is not a situation where u'd want to be.

Hi there!

If you read some of my previous posts, u will find that my case is similar to ur wife's ...The diff is that I am living with the family but she isn't.

I understand that as the go-between between parents and your wife, you are enduring pain. But this will definitely be the case. Why? well, I'll try n explain
Things that are as natural as breathing for you/your family, will be suffocating for her.Like the case with the aunt or anything that she doesn't wish to do. This is because she is touchy about her independence and sceptical about family. She is still a new wife, there hasn't been enough time and experience for her to trust that you are not trying to snatch away her freedom. Joint family vs nuclear family will entail a HUGE change for any girl.A man can barely understand the extent of it...thats because you've been raised in a place where you've seen your mother/aunt/sister deal with all changes without even feeling it is a deprivation of freedom. Like sarees/suits, may be it has never been an issue there, but for your wife, it will be a HUGE sacrifice.

Since you still have some time before going back to India, here's my advice:
a) Start showing respect towards her parents
b) Give a lot of weight to her opinions and thoughts
c) DO not make her feel you are trying to change her.
d) Proactively call her parents as often as you want her to call yours...equality issues are big for an independent girl
e) Assure her on a continous basis that you do not want her to do anything she is not comfortable with.
f) tell her that if you move back to India you will support her decision to wear what she wants
g) Be patient

I know the list is long, but because SHE wud be the one getting affected by changes you have to be the one to be the pillar she can lean on...Every woman wants to have a partner who encourages her to be her and love her for exactly who she is...give her the feeling

I wish you luck and I hope I helped!

Hi,
when I read your post I felt like it was about my life (I mean i was like your wife's position). only variation is mine was arranged marriage (my parents are intercaste couples). My parents and myself should constantly satisfy my inlaw's demands much against my husband's wish but the good point here is atleast you show some understanding and concern for your wife's side. My only suggestion based on my heart feeling is please view the problems (all happenings) from your wife's viewpoint. Now a days girl's parents are spending as much for their education and upbringing and when it comes to marriage whether arranged or love marriage they have to satisfy the demands of groom's side however big or small. If you truly show your love and respect to your wife's parents (since now you are their new son) it will bring dramatic change in removing you wife's insecurities. show the same enthusiasm in talking to them, like calling them once in a week and enquire their well being. Belive me all a girl's parents expect is a nice person as soninlaw, nothing else. All the best!