Sending elders to old-age homes

Hi,

I have come across many cases these days where elders are being put in homes by family members for various reasons. Ruku Patti had 5 children - 2 boys and 3 girls. One daughter was mentally subnormal. The 2 girls were mariried off overseas. Ruku Patti lived with the eldest son all her life. Unfortunately the son passed away after a brief illness. Ruku Patti had to go to her 2nd son's house with her daughter. The second son was rich. Both his sons were studyuing overseas. He had a large house. He kept his mother for 3 months. Then he sent them to his sister's houses for 3 months each. When they came back to him, he had planned it all out. He put his mentally subnormal sister in a home and his mother in another. The reason was that , his mother and sister cannot get along with his wife.

When elders are in their final leg in life, is it right to put them in a home? Why is it so easy for people to make this decision today? I hear many people especially from overseas saying that they have put them in a luxury home where they are happy. But will they really be happy? Is it that important to lead a life overseas when your own old parents may pass away without your knowledge? What is our society coming to? I really want our ILites view on this.

I am actually very hassled in reading your post.

It will be nice to use correct and simple english rather than cryptic. There is no harm in openly asking people to translate your native language transcription either.

I didnt understand a bit of your post. Are you pointing to the problems of sending old parents to old-age homes?

Ria

Hi Rama

I can understand what u r saying

as ur question goes its really sad now a days kids find their parents burden and they have no time to look after them...they attend every damn party, get together to maintain good name in society but not interested to know about their own parents feelings...

I hope this will end soon...and i am against the fact that some (only some) people get their parents to USA just to use as a maid n baby sitter but not with love...i can tell some(again some) parents are not ready to come for second time

i hope i started a fight here but this is my view......

Well said Kavi...

Rama, thought provoking topic.. kudos !!

I have personally known some people here, who bring their parents only during the delivery time or only when in need to look after kids. I mean ofcourse, parents will be happy to help out their kids during this time, but one has to think that they are old too and how much ever they are ready to help us, we should also be considerate to not burden them with lots of work.

I know an aunty whose 63 still running around taking care of 3 grandchildren (both DIL and son working). I mean this lady did her duty, ran around her kids, took care of them and what not.. why is she being burdened now at 63.. Both working, cant they spend some extra $$$ for daycare or even better why not one parent take a break until the kids are ready to be in daycare right.. After all its your kid aint?

Dear Rama,

In the case you have mentioned you have given an example of a mother and her slightly abnormal daughter and how the DIL was not able to put up with them and they were put in old age homes.

I think this is the picture you have got from the mother and the daughter.I am not,really i mean it, i am not contesting the fact that they might have suffered.

the way you have brought out the suffering of the mother daughter duo i want to narrate something i know and it is the DIL plight in similar situations.

I knew a woman young,married to a highly educated and v well placed man,she has a small son.Now she has a old widowed MIL and a physically challenged SIL.I really feel bad and sorry for the SIL,may god never give such trouble to anyone.
But coming to their house,the MIL and SIL never had the large heart to accept the DIL with open heart.The MIL was always angry that,that girl got married so some one as gud as my son and my own daughter is suffering (no fault of the DIl).The SIL was also always jelous of the DIL as she is married and this woman would never have that joy in her life (again no fault of the DIl).

This poor woman suffered so many attrocities u wont believe.She used to be beaten black and blue.Once her 2 front teeth were broken.Then she even had a miscarrage as a result of the abuse.

What i say is if the son and dil say they are not able to put up with the in laws i always request the society to look from both the angles.There are many many women like the one in mentioned suffering silently.
She moved out of the house with her small son,later husband joined her.I think she did her maximum to help the mil and sil but we all always feared for her life.

Dear Rama,I dont want to be rude to u or hurt ur sentiments.I am just trying to give the picture of the other side of the coin.
No offense meant really.My apologies if u felt bad.

suji

Dear Ria,

Sorry if I was not very clear.My intention was not to be cryptic. I basically wanted to hear the views of sending elders to old age homes in the final leg of their lives. I know that there are many who have good reasons for doing so but lately I am finding it as a convenient centre of dumping people who have served theri purpose. As money is available to everyone and as tolerence level gets lower, we have this as the solution when the DIL cannot get along with the MIL. Hopefully I am clearer now.

Dear Skavi,

Thanks for your fb.

I share your views.Parents in law are used as unpaid housekeepers in many cases. It is all right in my opinion so long as they are ok with it and due recognition is given for it. By recognition, I do not ,mean materialistic but sincere appreciation for their contribution. Then when they are much older and sick, many of them are put in homes. When they pass away, I know of many cases where only the son comes back to do the final rites while the DIL stays behind siting work. I know this does not happen in every family but I do see a growing trend in not taking responsibility for the parents because DIL cannot get along with the MIL. I know that many MILs are jealous, verbally abusive etc. But there are DILs who want it their way from the first day they step into the house as well.

All I am trying to say here is that when our child becomes abusive, we do not throw the child into a home. Is it not possible to view PILs in the same way? Should we not take more responsibility for them?

Hi Nadhu,

Thanks for your fb.

Yes I agree that we should not overly burden elders. However I am of the opinion that they should always be involved and not ignored.

We ladies nowadays are very capable to run almost anything we want. Many of us have MILs who are only capable of cooking cleaning taking care of the family interest. From their point of view, family is the world while we view the world to be bigger inclusive of our career/friends/likes and dislikes.

When we have other priorities as well, these cannot be shared by the MILs as they never had it in the first place. Hence in their opinion the DIL may not be giving family as much importance as she should. Hence there may be a dispute.

In these cases, as DILs we can be vocal an appreciative of their contribution. We can tell MIL's friends and relatives that without your MIL you could not have gone to work and she really helped you. When I tell my MIL that even I cannot take care of my son as well as she does, she takes pride in what she is doing and is all set to do more.

I always say that it takes 2 to tango. I see many posts of abusive MILs but how many are actually because the DILs think they have already done too much (when many of them are barely married for 2 years).

Dear Suji,

Thanks for your fb. I totally agree with you and no I do not feel bad about what you have written as you are absolutely correct.

Physically abusive relationship are off limits in my books. You are absolutely right in having the DIL move away from the MIL in this case.

Even mentally abusive relationships are bad. But my concern is when do we decide that a relationship is mentally abusive. I know DILs who have tolerated mental abuse for years and never had courage to move out. I also know of DILs who have no tolerence and made mountains out of molehill of small issues portaying themselves as the mentally abused victim and the MIL as the evil MIL. Here is where we need to draw a balance.

As we ladies become more successful, I feel that our tolerence level and strength to listen to criticism from MIL has declined a lot. Wven the MIL says 'why did you not put ladies finger in the sambar', it translates to 'Do I not know how to make sambar?' , 'Is ladies finger the only vegetable that can be put for sambar', 'why is it sambar?'' or ' why is it sambar why cant it be kurma' and the translations go on.

Such translations add on and on and makes MIL a devil who cannot be tolerated. And when this goes on and on, it comes to a level where homes are a natural choice. And this trend is what worries me these days.

Hello ladies,

I am not sure how good the "old age luxury" homes in India are. But the senior assisted living homes in the US are really good. I have been really impressed with the facilities. Old folks can get involved in all kinds of activities and they can make a lot of friends with people of their age group easily. Plus their living quarters have very good facilities for medical care and they are very well designed to handle people with disabilities. The homes are usually in very scenic locations. Honestly to tell you the truth when I grow old I would prefer to live in such a quarters then spend time with my family. So if parents are okay with such a nice facility I see nothing wrong in allowing them to live there.

I know a lot of people treat their aged in-laws very inhumanly. In some cases our social set up is also partly responsible for this sad state of affairs. My aunt's MIL treated my aunt very badly when she was pregnant. She would constantly belittle my aunt for not producing a male child. My aunt became very hostile towards her MIL and could never get over her negativity. As a result my aunt did not take good care of her MIL during her old age.


I feel the best solution for such problems is to help people learn techniques to manage their negative emotions. When we learn to deal with our negative emotions properly our overall health improves. During the Vedic times it was the norm for old people to go to the forests to devote the rest of their lives for spiritual growth. There is a lot of difference between their life style and our current life style. I was fortunate to take a yoga class under a yoga guru called Kishan Verma from India. He is a senior yoga teacher in the Art of Living foundation. He was about 70 years but looked like he was 50. I was really impressed by his fitness level. At the age of 70 he was able to do push ups so effortlessly.

Thanks,
Kavya.