In MIL's absence.................

Hi ILs,

Very Good Morning.
I am married for 4 years and have 2 sons.One 3 years old and other one is 9 months old.
From the first day of marriage I am in in-laws house. My FIL expired before my marriage. My husband loves his mother very much and at any cost does not want to leave her alone. Hence whatever may be the problem it was agreed by us that we would stay in in-laws house. Things were not good as I expected after marriage. My MIL does not allow me to cook. Also she takes the charge of maintenance of teh house and has not allowed me to pay any bill any time since my marriage. Though I wanted to take such responsibilities to get a feel of Home she is least bothered abt my feelings and always wanted her words should be listened and obeyed by other (She is a retired teacher) . Even during festivals like Nonbu, Deepavali , avani avittam etc her actions would be keen not to allow me to do anything. However hectic work in the kitchen , she prefers to do it alone rather than asking me to do anything. Even she would not allow me to grind the batter for idli , dosa. Manytimes , I asked her that I would cook during weekebds alteast (I am employed), she tells "Cooking is nothing tedious and you will learn in due course of time".

Though I was upset by such behaviours (She would say "madi" and would not alloe me to put even VADAI during festival , though my hands would feel like doing some vadas...)..It's all continuing even now, I am used to this now after 4 long years to gain the experience. Also I have two kids and I have to take care of them , so morning hours I do some sweeping and mobbing work and pooja room work after bathing and then getting my 3 yr old ready to school and feeding my toddler and imp. serving my hubby's need till I start to office..... Hence me not cooking is now not a problem for me , since I have lot other things to do .....


The problem is now my MIL is going to US for 6 months to stay with her elder son. Now I am very much overloaded with cooking , maintenance of
house, managing my kids (a maid is there to help me in taking of my sons when I am at office) ect , parallely I have to manage office work alos.

I can manage regular cooking, but do not to prepare festival dishes like kozhukattai,appam, etc ....and almost all the festivals come only during these 6 months (July - Dec ). Varalakshmi nonbhu, avani avittam, deepavali, navarathri,krishna jayanthi and also Dhivasam of my FIL which has to be preformed importantly.
I have prepared my mind to do my best during these occasions, still Iam used to doing only pooja work during these occasions earlier since my MIL would not ask me to do anything in the kitchen during those festivals saying "madi"....... I don't know how i can manage these festivals that too with two kids to take care...........In a way I am haoppy that atleast now I can learn cooking and managing the house, but concerned abt the bulk sudden load of responsibilities, as I feel that shd be done prefectly...........

Please pour in yr valuable suggestions and ideas that would gain me confidence to manage the house and office without much problem.....


Regards,
Harsh.

Hi Harsh!

Easy dear! Look around, and read some posts in IL forum, and u will see how lucky u r! Ur MIL, I think, has actually been great to u! Knowing that u r a working woman and have 2 kids to manage, she has been helping u out in every way, and thats a blessing! Me thinks, its becoz she herself was a career woman, and must have found how hard it is to manage job, kids, house etc. So take it easy, and allow her to pamper u!
Coming to her absence for the next 6 mths. All know what a hectic life a working woman and mother of young kids live. So relax, make what u can. And for special occsions see if u can get some caterers make special stuff (which u do not know how to make) for u. I ahve heard Chennai has a lot many mami's who cater from home.
So manage the 6 mths. in whatever way u can, and once MIL is back accept her with open arms and do realise that she has a big heart!

Hi Harsha,

I think you should feel lucky to get such a MIL. I would be so happy if somebody takes care of my cooking and household stuff It would leave me with so much free time.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Hi Harsh,

Indeed you have such a good MIL. Anyone would die to have such MIL, who could do everything in the house.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side right....

Anyway coming to your question, cool down its just 6 months! Your MIL, I am sure will understand how tough it is to manage kids, work full time and also do all the festival cooking. Since she was working too, she will easily understand it.
You can consult your mom, aunts and even your MIL's sisters on what needs to be done and how it should be done etc for festivals and also invite them to help you out if possible. That will actually keep your MIL happy, as she will think that you are going beyond your capabilities to do all functions and festivals just like her. Also keep calling your MIL and ask her itself on how and what excatly should be done for each festival.
She will gladly help you out and also might give some shortcuts too:)) instead of the elaborate festive preparations which you are dreading so much:)

relax and enjoy,
Sihi

Hi,
I don't believe you are complaining about this!!! You have a really nice m-i-l. I would love it if someone cooked for me everyday. Esp here in the US where we have to cook, manage all the housework by ourselves and also work full time. Re festival recipes, they are not that difficult - I'm sure your mom or other relatives can help. Please do appreciate all the things your m-i-l is doing - i think a lot of ladies in this forum would love a m-i-l like yours.

come on now !!!

DILs around the world are praying to have such a person and you ain't happy yet??? chill out dear... be happy that you are blessed.. Ofcourse life is not always a bed of roses... you got to be hardworking at times to balance out the life... do it.. its your responsibility. Remember it was always your job, that your MIL helped so far.. So now get back in the driver's seat and start driving the family.. yep it might be Himalayan task.... but am sure you will succeed !!!

There are many experienced women here to ask any doubts you need, be it cooking specific dishes or doing pooja etc.. just ask it out !!

hi bharathi,
u should be really lucky to have a mil like yours..

be happy for it. this was a help/favour which came your way without you asking. so enjoy whenever you get it from her. when she is not around try doing things slowly first, within no time you will become an expert in maintaining the house and managing all other things.

regarding the festivals, there would be so many catering people in chennai to help you or you can get the help from your mom, mil and ofcourse IL

Regards,
sreelata.s

Hi ILs,

Thanks a lot for your responses.
Yes even my mother tells me to relax when my MIL does not allow me to cook.
But, she always feels that by managing cooking and house maintenance she would not lose control of the house.....Don;t know why ? Even though I have expressed my feelings of liking in cooking since 2004 she kept on restricting me from cooking . I know , she will tell "Cooking is nothing", but I have felt everyday after mariage that she is not helping me, she is trying to keep herself independent by not asking / giving me any house hold work ?

How will get the feel of home....when I am not counted in as a family member / given low priority or most of the times no priority during festivals saying "madi". Eventhough I am ready to follow that she would say "I would do"......U won't believe even when I have to prepare rice in cooker, she would come and ask how much rice and how much water you hyave put.....I hate these follow-ups,,,,since I feel I am treated like a doll whatever she tells I haev to do and no work I have to keep quiet...

I am not complaining, but this is her attitude and I am not at all happy with it..I have seen my co-sister (living alone), when she comes to visit my MIL and she is in kitchen, my co-sister would start doing the left out cooking and my MIL would step out of the kitchen silently without a word to her...The same cooking I would have asked several times if I can do , she would strongly tell "No ....I would do"...If without asking if I start doing she would stand near me and start ordering don't dp like this.......

In short , she has lot Lots of NOs and negative points for me but has never appreciated me in any aspect eventhough others appreciate in front of her(I do good drawing , rangoli and flower making....).......

Everything looks great from a distance, only with microscope the probs can be found. I am not complaining abt my MIL, just wanted to convey that I have never felt comfortable with her for these four years..i am deeply hurted by her suhc attitudes.....which she knows is not correct , but just she wants to control the house in the way of cooking and maintenace......

Originally Posted by harshbharathi

Hi ILs,

Thanks a lot for your responses.
Yes even my mother tells me to relax when my MIL does not allow me to cook.
But, she always feels that by managing cooking and house maintenance she would not lose control of the house.....Don;t know why ? Even though I have expressed my feelings of liking in cooking since 2004 she kept on restricting me from cooking . I know , she will tell "Cooking is nothing", but I have felt everyday after mariage that she is not helping me, she is trying to keep herself independent by not asking / giving me any house hold work ?

How will get the feel of home....when I am not counted in as a family member / given low priority or most of the times no priority during festivals saying "madi". Eventhough I am ready to follow that she would say "I would do"......U won't believe even when I have to prepare rice in cooker, she would come and ask how much rice and how much water you hyave put.....I hate these follow-ups,,,,since I feel I am treated like a doll whatever she tells I haev to do and no work I have to keep quiet...

I am not complaining, but this is her attitude and I am not at all happy with it..I have seen my co-sister (living alone), when she comes to visit my MIL and she is in kitchen, my co-sister would start doing the left out cooking and my MIL would step out of the kitchen silently without a word to her...The same cooking I would have asked several times if I can do , she would strongly tell "No ....I would do"...If without asking if I start doing she would stand near me and start ordering don't dp like this.......

In short , she has lot Lots of NOs and negative points for me but has never appreciated me in any aspect eventhough others appreciate in front of her(I do good drawing , rangoli and flower making....).......

Everything looks great from a distance, only with microscope the probs can be found. I am not complaining abt my MIL, just wanted to convey that I have never felt comfortable with her for these four years..i am deeply hurted by her suhc attitudes.....which she knows is not correct , but just she wants to control the house in the way of cooking and maintenace......

Hi,

I guess you are just intimidated by your m-i-l. just follow your co-sisters lead - enter the kitchen and start cooking. You could say that you want to try out a new dish or a different cuisine (plenty of recipes in Chitvish cooking forum). Lots of older people are afraid of becoming redundant and I think your m-i-l feels that if you take charge of the kitchen she will have nothing to do. Maybe she just needs reassurance that this will not happen. Change your attitude and I am sure she will change too. Good luck..

Hi Harshbharathi

I read your message and the replies you got.... everybody was telling that u have got good mil....... which is not correct.... i can really understand your feelings. Even my mil will not allow me to do any work...... like cooking, paying bills... even she did not allowed me to answer the phone and any body rings the calling bell she only goes and opened... becos she thinks,,,, by doing this she can have a hold of entire family and she never wants me to interfere in any thing. What ever she says and she does we have to keep our mouth shut. She did not allowed me to use my brains.

Like u i have got 2 sons one is 3.2 and the smaller is 9 months old and i live seperately with my husband and my 2 lilttle ones and my mom is here to help me. Even then my problem is not solved becos we are in the next block. Its really tuff to manage 2 small boys... whenever my mom goes to chennai i really have a tough time. Anyways initially we will have probs after that we can used to that.