A lesson for all !

Originally Posted by ria2006

I totally respect everyone 's struggle and tough times. But i feel somewhere we individually are responsible for the way we handle disagreements and displeaures in relations.

Most of the ladies I have seen hardly enter marriage well prepared. They enter from a cocooned environment where everyone loved them unconditionally to an environment where basic appreciation also will need due time. So the major fault lies in the upbringing and safeguarding our daughter way too much from reality. Women have a way of hiding away from reality in their fanatasies. And that s the reason, why most cannot accept that there can be relative who picks faults in you no matter what. Because all they have seen is close family members loving them all the time.

I very often compare the wedding hassle to hostel hassles. And I totally understand when people say they are different. They are different. But I have seen gals sufferring there too, just because they didnot know how to live in tough environment. All they have known is my mom, my dad, my bro , my sis and what not my.. They had hardly come to the terms of reality that they are individual who is responsible to make her ambience make way for her happiness. In hostel there is hardly any MIL or SIL or FIL who will taunt you , or who will make your life miserable. But there are other type of bullies, who basically tell you in very first go, Its not going to be easy.You will have to work your way before you win any favors here. My whole point is here, most ladies hrdly start their lives as being objective , logical and open. They want to live in a world of fantasy, where emotions are the rules of life. Such a world hardly exist. So I dont think key lies in going to some yoga class or learnign some meditation or telling yourself to run away from mess. These are ways to lessen the impact, but the root cause remains. That our approach to the whole issue is extremely emotional and draining. In that scene wether its in-laws, prickign neighbours, prooding colleagues or anything.. You are going to burn your blood for not learning the right way to handle tough situations in life. It gets more evident in case of in-laws. Because probably they are the universal new environment most girls face.

ria

Dear Ria
I admire your views on this topic.. I think you have said it best.. I would like to share this here with you..
Recently very near my house a guy married.. his parents are really nice people but they do have their occasional moods (who doesnt?).. this bride is late thrities . has studied extensively.. worked even more.. within days of marraige managed to pack off inlaws.. I was a witness to what happened nothing much really..
The point is even for a well educated well exposed girl/woman does not mean they are prepared or even capable of adjusting..
just wanted to share..

Dear AC

Sorry I didnt understand your last sentence could you elaborate please...just wanted to understand your point of view thats all

Originally Posted by Saahithya

Dear AC

Sorry I didnt understand your last sentence could you elaborate please...just wanted to understand your point of view thats all

Dear Saahithya
I was trying to say that it does not matter if its educated or work experienced woman.. such problems exist in life.. we have to try and work through these situations..
Its easy for someone who is not caught in problems to stand in the side line and say Mediatate all the problems will go away.. I dont think so.. When a person is in the middle of the problem situation.. its very difficult.. however having a religious bend of mind helps.. Look out for my short story this weekend.. I am going to share how religion helped me .. This is just my personal opinion only.. I am sure I could be wrong!

hi oaktree,
thanks for the email. since u were in a joint family with inlaws i think u would have gained more maturity and confidence to handle things. if inlaws are away,it will deftly. take time to understand them as well as the opposite. Happy that now u r bold enough to face things with confidence which i am currently trying to reach that level. what we need is confidence..If the opposite person,whoever it is,realize that u r bold enough to face things and solve,they will automatically subside at one or other time. Due to distance with inlaws,they feel more possessive and due to insecurity,they used to comment whatever comes in their mind without understanding people..and due to this distance,we cannot even say anything(even though they say) to them b'cos it will only aggravate the problem..So,the mantra is "let it go",no way...
thanks

Originally Posted by oaktree

Dear Rya,

You have started a very relevant and meaningful thread. I just wish if only I had this wisdom when I got married and was a new bride. Then I would have saved myself from so much mental tension and stress because of inlaws troubles ! But I guess I was not so mature at that time to handle things in a detached manner. I used to cry and cry till it started hurting my health and my profession . and all the while my inlaws never cared. Now that phase is behind me ... I feel bolder and more in control of myself now.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for the wise suggestions.
I totally agree

Regards.

hi oaktree,
thanks for the email. since u were in a joint family with inlaws i think u would have gained more maturity and confidence to handle things. if inlaws are away,it will deftly. take time to understand them as well as the opposite. Happy that now u r bold enough to face things with confidence which i am currently trying to reach that level. what we need is confidence..If the opposite person,whoever it is,realize that u r bold enough to face things and solve,they will automatically subside at one or other time. Due to distance with inlaws,they feel more possessive and due to insecurity,they used to comment whatever comes in their mind without understanding people..and due to this distance,we cannot even say anything(even though they say) to them b'cos it will only aggravate the problem..So,the mantra is "let it go",no way...
thanks

Originally Posted by Meenu Raju

Dear Rya,

Its some thing that most DIL goes through. Good to see that you have decided to overcome it.

I would also recommend you attending the Art of Living course that Kavya mentions. It defnly gives a new perspective to life and the daily activities that you do. It gives a feeling of being a new person, confident to handle or ignore the routine issues that you face. It gives more tolerance and reduces anger and brings you closer to the inner self. You must take the course, no matter what.

Let me know if you want more details of the course.

Bye and take care

Meenu

hi meenu,
thanks for the email.. actually i am interested in this program..i asked kavya the details about it and she gave it..i think u r also suggesting about the same program. Now, iam far better in health because i am ignoring things related to inlaws..but u know, it is very difficult to ignore just like that..but,since i don't have any options,i have to do that focusing on my health..
thanks

hey SS,
u r right! every word is true in ur response..the small milestones concept is very nice actually.we cannot get everything at a time or overnight! it's true! this concept is applicable to all issues actually! i am actually trying to manage with more confidence nowadays! i can feel in my life that i was not like now two years back..was very immatured at that time(newly married)...gradually i am learning things..actually life is good and short..
thanks

[hey ria,
ur response is absolutely true! it is practical ! but sometimes if u r cornered with problems like all the gates closed u cannot do anything,avoid anything,.ur mind roams like u want to make people understand(talk with them openly) but u will not get that opportunity... even when the person is ready to face problems and handle in a gentle way,the problems will not come to that person directly..here the vain comes..u will be stuck..no other go except accepting it..so,just to lessen the burden people are looking for spiritual ways or meditation or yoga to keep their life and mind light but not for avoiding or escaping from problems..life will be boring if it is always full of happiness and cheerfulness u know..these experiences makes people learn things and to be more matured in handling things! Life is a roller coaster! I admire ur practical response..
thanks

Dear AC and Ria,

Since both your responses mentioned meditation I just wanted to explain in what context meditation was meant in the other replies (at least mine !).

There is no doubt in anyone's mind that action, clear and flexible thinking and a lot of adjustment is needed for any relationship to work.

It will be grossly inaccurate if someone suggested that sit in a corner and do meditation and pranayma in lieu of action and proper thinking. No. That's not why spiritual practices were suggested. They are in fact the tools one uses to be able to reach a solution. Spiritual practices are not a solution by themselves.

According to me, praying to God is another form of spiritual practice. It gives us inner peace and calm and in times when nothing seems to be going right and the mind is clouded with negativity and confusion, it gives us the clarity to step back and think about where our thoughts and actions are going.

I look at pranayam and meditation in the same light as prayers. These are one of the many aids that help people calm down mentally and see things in perspective rather than fuming on who did what.

Only a peacful mind can think of solutions to address an issue. A desperate, disturbed and despressed mind is bound to make implusive and sometimes damaging decisions. So if someone has already reached the disturbed state of mind, I think it is important that they calm down first, put things in proper perspective and then think about what they need to do. Spiritual practices and religion help a lot in this calming and clearing of the mind.

In the end one must take action and one must polish the rough edges of their thought process.There is no substitute for that. Refined thought process and proper and timely action are undoubtedly the main ingredients in getting anywhere. Spirituality and praying just aid and help in achieving the main ingredients. These in no way can and should replace the main ingredients.

SS

SS,

I never doubt your suggestions. So there s no question of really pointing any fingers in your suggestions. I just adore them like any five year old kid watching stars. Like most others here I am just your big fan. So accept my apologies if you felt questioned in any sense, for that was never the goal.

My reply in this context was not to pinpoint suggestion by others but just to mention that unless we change the way handle disagreements and disppleasures, we will constantly find ourselves getting affected by unpleasent relations, or any misgiving for that matter. In-laws case standout because both parties start with lot of expectations.
Any spiritual discourse definitely go hand in hand with any healthy living.

So my whole point was, we need to address the root causes. Any other way to calm our mind is just like treating current disease. Unless we treat the root cause , we will be in pain with other unpleasent happenings.

Regards
Ria