A lesson for all !

Well said Rya.. I really appreciate your writing. All the points are valid and true.

Hi Rya,

This is such a refreshing thread from the usual mil-dil troubles. I too agree that even today i get so much stressed thinking about my ils. while it may have reduced a lot over the years i still struggle to get the thought off my mind. And it does drive me nuts. As SS says if we're not happy then the home is not peaceful. I observe it in my boy too. He's sooo relaxed and such a sweetie if i'm relaxed and smiling. And we all need to find our own way to stay fit both emotionally and physically. My mom recently joined a local foundation in madras and learnt meditation. She is all praise for that. She is a very sensitive and emotional person and claims this is helping her a lot to stay calm and analyse situations before reacting.

All the best to you... Latha

hi SS,kavya,AC,paru and latha
Thank you very much for ur responses, appreciations and tips...it is very nice to see all of ur responses and especially i think it is helping women..
SS,AC and kavya,happy to hear that i am going in a right path....I have a plan to start meditation program which includes pranayama..this time i hope i will continuously do it everyday for total benefit ! very happy to receive ur responses and suggestions..i will deftly follow it...

Latha,as for now,managing our stress is the only way out for us to move in life..not even a second choice is there for us to come out esp sensitive people..so,we have to accept the only way out and try to catch stars in the sky..deftly one day our inlaws will understand us.probably it may take some time for that!

thank you all once again
regards
rya

Dear Rya,

You have started a very relevant and meaningful thread. I just wish if only I had this wisdom when I got married and was a new bride. Then I would have saved myself from so much mental tension and stress because of inlaws troubles ! But I guess I was not so mature at that time to handle things in a detached manner. I used to cry and cry till it started hurting my health and my profession . and all the while my inlaws never cared. Now that phase is behind me ... I feel bolder and more in control of myself now.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for the wise suggestions.
I totally agree

Regards.

Dear Rya,

Its some thing that most DIL goes through. Good to see that you have decided to overcome it.

I would also recommend you attending the Art of Living course that Kavya mentions. It defnly gives a new perspective to life and the daily activities that you do. It gives a feeling of being a new person, confident to handle or ignore the routine issues that you face. It gives more tolerance and reduces anger and brings you closer to the inner self. You must take the course, no matter what.

Let me know if you want more details of the course.

Bye and take care

Meenu

Hi Rya
I was going through the forum and saw your post. Couldn't stop myself from dropping some lines. Thank you for really nice advice. Same thing my husband is telling me from long time. And I am kind of working on it but sometimes you ranger is so high that it is impossible to get out of those thoughts. But still what you are saying is what my goal is. Because of them I do no t want to sopil my mood or health or relationship with DH...

Thanks Rya
Love
Meeta

Nice to see so many responses here!

Rya, that goes to show how much this stress is on all of our minds. I was (am) no different than all you ladies here! Just like most women, I was a novice for the first 5-6 years of marriage! I guess we all have to learn the ropes through experience. After a decade of marital bliss, I firmly believe that there is no way to jump steps in life. We have to go through certain phases and experiences in life to wisen up. So never think that we cannot do it or it is too late. Remember, that it is never too late to mend.

Oaktree dear, do not feel bad that you were immature when you got married and that you spoiled so many years of your life stressing about in-laws. Believe me, most of us do! There are no gains without pains. If we get everything easily and perfectly in life then we will never learn some of the most important lessons that are so helpful. So the harder the situation, the tougher it makes us and the wiser we can become if we use these lessons learnt. So don't blame yourself for what happened in the past. We are humans and we try to do the best we can according to our understanding at that point in time.

As long as we live we will always have worries and stresses about one thing or the other. No doubt about it. We should not even think that we will live stress-free. It is not possible and it is not real.

When it comes to relationships (especially with the in-laws) we know that some amount of stress is always going to be there.

The key is that we should learn to manage stress effectively as we grow older. We should accept that certain things in our life will never be perfect no matter how hard we try. So we try to accept them and find ways to mitigate its negative impact on us. The other thing to also remember is that some things are beautiful in our life, so let us focus on making those more beautiful as much as we can.

Another thing that I have found helpful from personal practice and experience is not only to have a big goal but to have small milestones that keep me encouraged. For ex. taking care of health. Do not expect that in a few month's time you will suddenly get transformed into a self focussed person. It will not happen. It is unrealistic to expect it. But if we keep the focus and patiently take small steps towards the higher goal, over the years we will surely get there. It is very very tough. Because on the way there will be many emotional and physical hurdles that will stop us. But we have to tread slowly and cautiously. There is no big hurry. We must do it at a pace that is comfortable to us. But we must surely do it.

Another extremely important aspect I think is that we must know and accept that we will never be the kind who are always self focussed. Most women are not cut out to be like that. Family, kids and other people affect us a lot. And there will be many times when inspite of all the focus we will still let other people affect us. It is okay. Don't be too hard on yourself. We have to give ourselves the leeway to not be perfect and right sometimes. It is perfectly okay to err sometimes and not always be ideal.

So the mantra is, stress due to in-laws or other people is a definite reality of life. No one can run away from it. And it stays for as long as we live here. All we can do is to learn from the previous years and try to manage and deal with it better.

There is no easy way out . Hardly anyone has it easy. But ultimately as the years go by you realize that we all have been bestowed with a lot of power and strength by the Almighty. We just never realized it and used it to its fullest potential.

Small but realistic measures are all that are needed and when you look back over the years you will be happy to see that all your small steps have paid off so much.

Let us all strive to get there together! What say you girls?!

SS

Originally Posted by soaringspirit

Nice to see so many responses here!

Oaktree dear, do not feel bad that you were immature when you got married and that you spoiled so many years of your life stressing about in-laws. Believe me, most of us do! There are no gains without pains. If we get everything easily and perfectly in life then we will never learn some of the most important lessons that are so helpful. So the harder the situation, the tougher it makes us and the wiser we can become if we use these lessons learnt. So don't blame yourself for what happened in the past. We are humans and we try to do the best we can according to our understanding at that point in time.

SS

Dear SS,

Thanks for the kind words. Just wanted to let you know that I like the way you comment and advice on the issues, I have been reading your posts though this is the first time I am writing to you
Yes, we should all do our best to remain healthy and peaceful even if bound to be surrounded by inlaws issues for years to come.

Regards.

I am humbled to know that you read what I write and that you like it. Thanks!

We all lean on each other to derive strength and to learn from. When I think about the first 5 years of my marriage I can see that I have come a long way myself from being a shy, extremely sensitive and always putting myself second person to someone who is more aware of what she wants and who many times puts herself before everyone else ! Of course, many times others that are dear to us come first, but not always.

Wish you a happy life in all spheres..

SS

Originally Posted by oaktree

Dear SS,

Thanks for the kind words. Just wanted to let you know that I like the way you comment and advice on the issues, I have been reading your posts though this is the first time I am writing to you
Yes, we should all do our best to remain healthy and peaceful even if bound to be surrounded by inlaws issues for years to come.

Regards.

I totally respect everyone 's struggle and tough times. But i feel somewhere we individually are responsible for the way we handle disagreements and displeaures in relations.

Most of the ladies I have seen hardly enter marriage well prepared. They enter from a cocooned environment where everyone loved them unconditionally to an environment where basic appreciation also will need due time. So the major fault lies in the upbringing and safeguarding our daughter way too much from reality. Women have a way of hiding away from reality in their fanatasies. And that s the reason, why most cannot accept that there can be relative who picks faults in you no matter what. Because all they have seen is close family members loving them all the time.

I very often compare the wedding hassle to hostel hassles. And I totally understand when people say they are different. They are different. But I have seen gals sufferring there too, just because they didnot know how to live in tough environment. All they have known is my mom, my dad, my bro , my sis and what not my.. They had hardly come to the terms of reality that they are individual who is responsible to make her ambience make way for her happiness. In hostel there is hardly any MIL or SIL or FIL who will taunt you , or who will make your life miserable. But there are other type of bullies, who basically tell you in very first go, Its not going to be easy.You will have to work your way before you win any favors here. My whole point is here, most ladies hrdly start their lives as being objective , logical and open. They want to live in a world of fantasy, where emotions are the rules of life. Such a world hardly exist. So I dont think key lies in going to some yoga class or learnign some meditation or telling yourself to run away from mess. These are ways to lessen the impact, but the root cause remains. That our approach to the whole issue is extremely emotional and draining. In that scene wether its in-laws, prickign neighbours, prooding colleagues or anything.. You are going to burn your blood for not learning the right way to handle tough situations in life. It gets more evident in case of in-laws. Because probably they are the universal new environment most girls face.

ria