required your opinions

I have completed 2 years of married life. Mine is inter cast love marriage. Since my marriage I am living in joint family consisting of My MIL ,FIL, BIL, one dog named MAXI. I have one daughter of 10 months. I am working women. From 9 to 6 I use to be in office.

At starting months of our marriage MIL use to shout at me for very small reasons and always gives me lessons about how good DIL should be? How you should behave in their caste ? She guides me which types/ colour of dress I should wear? etc

Even when I woke up in the morning she use to tell me now you do brush and then take a bath. Now you do pooja , now u take breakfast , at night now you go to sleep. etc. after my every stage she use to guide me about what I should do next.

When ever I use to go outside , I have to take their permission ( FIL & MIL) , then answer all the questions why, is it necessary, do it next time , yesterday you have gone out side so not today, come before 8.30 p m at home. If she do not want us at home then now you go for outing etc

She never allowed me to do cooking , but she insist that I must be there in kitchen as an assistant Whatever I do she found out faults in it. Always say you will not able to cook, you do not have that capacity. You just stay away from me and see how I do.
She even use to instruct me how to fold chapatti etc.( before marriage I was good cook) Never allowed me to decide the menu. Takes the whole control.

when I was pregnant then all the instructions has increased a lot. We have taken a decision to live separately but they insisted that you became separate after child and their behavior towards me became very harsh.

I had gone through it patiently. After daughter the same thing continued. Result is that I lost balance of my mind, I had not good relation with my husband , no concentration at working. Lost my all hobbies etc I do not have space of single minute for myself.

She decides all about cooking , mine and daughter when , how and what ? Takes the control of all things.

She use to show that she do all the work , manages house and her DIL is not able to do anything. Without her support we will be nothing.

It becomes hectic to do all activities for my MIL also , at the end of day she also become exhaust. But she do not understood that delegation of activities is the solution for this. By delegating all persons in home will get discipline , lively ness etc . She feel that she is perfect and no one can do like her, she will loose her control on this home.

She takes care of my daughter, my husband and do not allow me to do that. in front of others she shows that she takes good care of mine, very supportive etc It may be relatives, friends, neighbors she continues her story how she manages every thing It becomes irritating for me. .


My FIL is also not supportive , if anything is not done as per their instructions then he also use to talk very harshly.

My day starts at 6.30 and ends at 11.30, without any time for myself and my husband.

Now my problem is now I can not remain calm & quite under such situation. If any body always tells me you can not do it , then it hurts me. MIL & FIL are financially depend upon us.
We do not want to hurt them also. We both feel it is our duty to take care of them.

I want to start my own life, where I will have my own time , management etc . Should I live separately from my MIL and FIL . My husband is also supportive in this. But MY MIL & FIL takes it in wrong way and gives me bad treatment.


Please guide me should I start my own life separately

hi pallavi,
sorry for what you are undergoing......it is very common with MIL..after their son's marriage they become more insecure.....they just want to show that they are the priority for their son than you......just take little time to think from her side......if she takes care of everything......then well and good......you dont have time only for anything.....lucky to get MIL like this.......imagine your situation after going seperately.....consider your work timings.......how are you going to take care of your daughter?.....living seperate in this situation .....i dont think it is advisable.....see your MILas your mother....thank her for all her help......no MIL on earth will do all the house work and let her DIL go to office......i think you are lucky to have one like this.......i'am sure that as a wife you'ld like to take care of your family.......but more than that think whether it will possible for you with your hectic timing.....it shouldnt become more problamatic than your current situation......be friendly with your MIL.....appreciate her personally and to others for what she is doing to you......this type of attidude will even change your MIL......i've told you what i've felt.....think well before you decide anything.....have a happy joint family..

Please give me your opinions

Hi pallavi

I feel you must try to face the situation than trying to run away from it....
See...when you already know that your inlaws are dependent on you...they are just feeling insecure and they are just bringing it out.....You are matured , educated and wise right, sit back and enjoy the care....you have your whole life to cook and eat, but they are left with few more years to have you as assisstant to cook....If you ever seperate then you will definitely miss all the care which you feel as nagging now....Since you have the cast differences you will definitely take some time to adjust, I myself had a intercast marriage and life was not at peace intially, I wasoverwhelmed by the huge cultural differences, at the end of the day you need to sit back and ask yourself how many lovely moments you had with ur hubby and kiddo than bad n minor arguments with FIL and MIL.

My granny always had just onething to tell me always
"Always try to find a good quality in a person than bad qualities, Any ordinary person can find the Bad qualities and since you are extraordinary you can definitely find the good in the person, thus you will be happy as well as superior than others, inturn the world around you will be a happier place"

I never understood what she had said till I got married, now I practically implement it and have a peaceful mind. Its now that I understand that these were words of wisdom which made my granny a successful lady in those days(I mean she was a college prof from 1950, and those were days when women were not working ...she used to work and handle the joint family as well as kids and society)

Now compare the same with your life, you have a MIL who tells you like a mom when to eat and when to sleep, will you feel the same if your mom asks you to reach home early/ when to eat?

They way you bring up your daughter with all care and affection,They brought up ther son few years back, So they have still not given you adult status and consider u as a child,

So i would say, Try your best to See them as your own parents , you can see the difference in your tension and mood, let them be them n you takre the change for betterment of your life

and 1 more thing life becomes hectic after child is born , you will rarely find time for husband and when you are working you will rarely find time for you too...so wait till your kid iss 2 yrs old, you will be more comfortable and fill be able to accomodate some time for yourself

1 more thing If you already have a predecided menu for the day it will be great, in the busy hour in the morning you need not waste time to think about the menu,

and your MIL is doing all the work since you are working, So quit job and take care f home or let MIL do it for you and you can additionally manage professional life as well

Trust me Life will be easier after a year, Dont run into conclusions and take a dire step,
Sit back and enjoy small things of life

Cheers!!
Anu

Hello Pallavi,

I think Subhashri and Anu had given good opinion. As most of the MIL does not cook anything even if the DIL goes to the office. I remember the last years day, when after marriage i joined office after coming home from office i had to cook each and everything and my mil would not even help me. At that time we use to eat at 11.00 pm or 11.30 pm as i was'nt knowing cooking so it would take much time but then also she would not help me. For a glass of water also she use to call me. So i also think if your MIL is doing all cooking let her do. As after some days when she will be feeling tired due to age i dont think she would be able to make anything.

I can understand that sometimes we want to cook food like as per the food cooked at our mother's place. For that on sunday's you can just tell your MIL that today i will cook the specific dish differently. Also you are having BIL so after some days he will also get married till then your daughter would also had quite grown.

So my dear friend calm down days will change.

Hi Pallavi,

I understand how suffocating you must feel in such an environment. So I totally agree with you that there is no way you can live like that silently for an extended period of time. Yes, things must change.

While staying separately may sound like the easy solution to get the freedom you want I agree with everyone's FB here that you must consider the other side of the coin too.

How about you start with a few, possibly bold, changes and see how things go? For starters, carve out some things that YOU will do for your daughter. May be get her ready for school, sit with her for dinner, twice a week (or on weekends) make her favorite dish yourself, take her to the park once a week. Many small things like these. Then carve out some things you will do for yourself. 10 mins doing pooja, 30 mins reading the newspaper or any other favorite hobby, going for a morning walk 2-3 times a week or everyday. Ask your husband also to tag along for the walk if he is interested. I know at this juncture all these changes will sound to you like you are trying to bring about a revolution in your house. And others will also see it that way. But that's okay. You would have to face their displeasure even if you decide to move out and stay separately. So give them a chance to change before you think about the moving out option.

Another thing is what are the interests/hobbies of your mil and fil? Get them involved in their hobbies. If your mil likes going to ladies club, temple, organizations of her interest etc., proactively persuade her to get involved. In fact just like you would do for your Mom, take the lead and make it happen for her. That will divert her energies and mind towards other things rather than just home and you guys. Same thing for your fil. Is he computer literate? If not, get him interested and make him computer savvy. Or if he has any other hobbies, get him involved in those.

You cannot simply be silent and endure this neither should you start with going to the other extreme of breaking away from them. Both extremes will have their negative impacts that you will find hard to deal with. After making these bold moves you may reach a point where you think nothing seems to work and living separately is the only option. And thsi decision may be fine then. But before you reach the decision, I think you should go through the intermediate steps. Sudden jump may not be easy to deal with for you and for them.

So think about it and come back with your views.

Good luck.
SS