Need advice - FIL issue

hi friends,
I wanted some advice from some of you wise gals like SS, Ria, Roopa and others..


A little history..
My FIL is in bed since 4 years after by-pass surgery (I was not married that time). He used to walk around in the house, do some arm exercises, etc. initially for 2-2.5 years, but now is in bed mostly. Does not attempt for any of these. But I have seen many by-pass patients lead a very active life post-surgery. Anyways, each case is different.


He keeps complaining of pain in the chest and left arm is partially paralytic. On the other hand, its not that he does not eat "patient" type of food. All he wants are tasty oily foods, has a drink daily and non-veg practically every second day. A few eggs nearly every day.

Whenever we all tell to take good diet for his health, he will say no, better to eat all this, enjoy and die, do not want "proper" food. Though he is able to walk, he has stopped doing that too. Only watches tv, eats and sleeps.


As for medicines, he has all as per prescription given back then, maybe a check-up or two in between. But these are never taken on the prescribed time of day, usually very late.

Additionally, he will keep adding on to these medications his own stuff and take extra pain-killers and injections due to the pain.

Of late, he keeps saying "get me hospitalized for few days" off and on. You know, 2 years ago, he fell from second floor of our house and survived miraculously and got just a bruise to show for it!
At that time itself, the hospital bill went upwards of 75K+ as he stayed for an extra 10 days in the hospital for the heck of it (total 15 days).


My hubby is not able to afford all this and that time itself I paid 25K to him. My MIL separately gave 20K and my hubby has paid her back. I have never asked my hubby for the money and forgotten about it.
As it is, I run my own house (staying separately since 2 years) and hubby gives full earning to them (them means parents and step-daughter.)


I married late, and when I did, it was already a few months after FIL's by-pass surgery. So I have always seen him in the bed.
Now since some time say 3-4 months, I have been looking to purchase a 1BHK flat as even in-laws do not own a house despite being in chennai from 55 years. I want to own a house and since prices are so high now, cannot afford more than a 1BHK. Even this amount I will be taking from my parents as loan, probably some amount loan from bank too.


The issue now is, my fil has somehow learnt that I am looking around to purchase a flat and has started saying please put me in hospital for few days. When all tell that hubby cannot afford it with the limited earnings and high expenses, he still does not bother. Now he has started telling me in crying way pls put me in hospital. He is thinking that I have too much money.


He has spoken all sorts of nasty, worst things to me when I was staying with them for 2 years. At that time itself, I was contributing nearly 10K per month to house expenses. Now I do not have much feeling left to do anything more for him.
I still pay a couple of that house bills, despite running my own house as hubby has financial difficulties.


A few days back, my FIL has spoken to one of his sisters and her son (hubby's cousin brother), and Now these people want to "talk" to us.

I am afraid to go there as I might talk something untoward. Also, I feel this is our own inside family matter and no need to discuss with relatives. (btw, fil and mil keep talking in a bad way about me and hubby to all these people).


About going to aunt's house, my DH says you should also come, he says he will do most of the talking. But my take is, if they say something provoking, i might speak out. Tell me, "are we justifiable to them?"


Hubby feels, they gave money the first time of surgery (before my marriage that is), so we should go. My take is different from hubby on this.

What do you gals advice? Should I go and take this opportunity to "clear" my (and hubby's) name, or just let DH go himself? If I go, I might start talking about FIl's nature and how he used to talk bad words to me. And also some other past issues during that time. I might rant and rave to my DH in private, but do not have a habit of opening my mouth even at my in-laws, let alone the relatives.

What should I speak and what to avoid speaking? Would appreciate things from another's perspective.

thanks for taking the time to read,
h

Hello Hasita,

I can understand the difficulty of your financial burden. But all said and done your FIL is a sick, old man in a lot of pain. Staying in a hospital is not a vacation and nobody would want to stay in a hospital for the heck of it. Please don't make money run your life. If you make a few sacrifices today for your FIL's health, you will definitely be rewarded in a good way down the road. Forgive you FIL for his bad behaviour and do your best to lend a helping hand. Just my 2 cents.

Thanks,
Kavya.

hmm.. delicate situation.

Let's talk reality with responsibility.

Following is assuming your hubby has complete vote on whatever decisions you make :)

(1) Start your process for buying a house. Don't stop that. Get loans and continue to work on your dream of owning a house.
(2) As a son and DIL, we have responsibility to look after the parents (both) whatever way we can. Even though, they might not be the best persons out there.

Now in this case, I am assuming your hubby is the only son? Only you know how much you can afford to this hospitalization? How much you can stretch your budget? If there are people (like this aunt who is waiting to talk to you) if they could help financially.

So spend some time at home and write down the numbers that you can afford. And thats the amount you can frankly spend. Otherwise it has to be another loan or help from others.

Yes, some of the money from your savings might be spent. But thats what our moral responsibility is. We are doing it for a good cause (atleast in our minds) and that will be counted. Dont worry.

hi Kavya, Nandhu,
Thanks for your views on this situation.

Just to update you, we did meet with this aunt and her son. He did offer to give some amt. if reqd. But after some discussing they also ruled out the need for a hospital right now.

Basically they also know his nature and understood that he mainly wants to have people to chat with him. We all spend some time doing that anyways. We mentioned would try to do more of it. Also, since couple of days he started doing a bit of accounts and says i feel better. In fact, today itself I
told him, being busy in some way or looking forward to doing a particular task, however small, itself takes one's mind away from unnecessary thoughts.

Yes, Nandhu, DH is only son.
And that is why, when his cousin said to send FIL to an old-age home, we both said no-way.
But he still said, if my FIL is ready for it, he will contribute. We just said, ok, let's see. But my DH will never do that and I stand by him on that.

I have no brother, so want to save for my parents as well if ever reqd.

Kavya, as for his earlier behavior towards me, I have put it at the back of my mind and continue my civil attitude with him, always thinking .."I will not forget my manners and misbehave or talk badly just because he chooses to do it".


Kavya, I am not being money-minded, just practical. When the real need arises, i will definitely chip in to help DH.

In fact, I have helped some friends earlier when in trouble and till today never asked for it, even tho' at the time she said will return when can. She is in trouble still, and I too have no thoughts of getting that amt. Don't even really remember it. I know God will repay me in better ways! What
say?!


Btw, 3 of my SILs are also there, out of which probably just one SIL can help financially.
Current situation though, she also backed out.

best,
hasita

Hasita.

Good to hear that.

Happy for you. May be you can have your hubby take some time every evening for a few weeks and take him out for a small walk or something.

I guess as they say idle brain is devils workshop. So as long as hes occupied everything should be fine.

Keep us posted on your search for your new home

Take Care !!

Hi Hasita,

Nice to know that you met up with this aunt and she seems to be an understanding person.

Is she elder to your FIL and how much regard does he have for her. If he does listen to her...then talk to her along with your husband and see if she can make him change his food habits.

also, if he has some friends around, then take their help they can take him out for some time daily and visit to places of worship, garden or any such place where there is peace and serenity. If there is some yoga or laughter club around your residence then please take him there. To do all this take help of whoever can chide him into doing this.

Who gets the drinks for him....can't your husband and others talk him out of it. And also non-veg. Tell your MIL not to provide him with these things also if you have a good rapport with the doctors, then please tell the doctor if he can advise your FIL to keep away from all this or he will stop all the treatments.

You will have to handle the situation in a diplomatic manner. I don't know the exact reason for you living away from them...but doing this i am sure the expenses must have gone up in maintaining the 2 houses and hence less savings. Were you able to achieve what you wanted by separating or is it more stressful now...then i would say plese reunite this way you will be able to save for your future.

Did you find out why he wants to get hospitalised...don't you have health insurance that can cover the hospital expenses. If not then immediately get a health insurance for all of you i.e you, DH and step-daughter as it is too late now for your in-laws.

Forget how nasty or bad they were to you. You do your duty...do not let those thoughts bitter your mind. I am sure the one above is seeing everything and will reward you at the right time. It is good to know that you don't bad mouth your family.

But if your FIL dosen't really need hospitalisation ...then please don't go ahead with it. But if his health is really bad then don't hesitate even for a moment.

I would strongly suggest you visit the website emofree.com and download the mannual. It is about 84 pages, if you feel it will help then please practise it. PM me if you need any help on how to go about it. It does not cost any money and by tapping for 10 min thrice a day if it can bring some relief to you...then please go ahead.

All the best.
God bless.

Nandhu,
Thanks once again. Will let you know once something positive happens on the house front.

Btw, we have so many times told him to go meet any of his sisters at least say once a month. But since there's no lift, he does not feel like. Going for a walk also he is not ready to do.

All of us, even his daughters, relatives have stopped telling him now.
Hope things change for the better.
best,
hasita

hi Roopa,
Thanks for stepping in here. Thanks also for your wise words, but LOL, what to say, we have tried all of these things and more.

Food - that is the main crux of the problem. (I am veg, and the main fights used to be as i did not want to eat nveg.) He says, never mind i die, but i want to eat n-veg. Better to eat and die, than to live and eat vegetables!
All my inlaws think that there is nothing in vegs, so not worth eating. I do not argue much, other than saying (at that time), please do not force me, as I do not force anyone of you to stop nveg.

You just have to see the huge tantrums and fights and you will say as we all do, just give him to eat what he wants. That's all.
And if it has to be veg, then it will ususally be from a hotel! Homemade veg food is for the dustbin.


Drinks - Again similar concept - a peg a day is good for health! Good for skin, etc. etc. He has taught my SILs also to drink, and of course DH too. MIL also needs it.

Btw, FIL is quite a jovial guy when in the mood (w/out a drink too, ok!). Can crack some nice jokes.


Mediclaim - 2 years back, we were taking it for all, us 3 as family and mil/fil individually. Mil we took for her, fil did not want to get out of the house for the tests. We waited a month, and had to get a refund done as the cheque was already sent. He refused.
In fact, that would have come in use now if he gets hospitalized.

He is born after 6 girls and has been raised by his older sisters practically, so even now, the ones who are still there, they will pamper him (over the phone).


I am sorry but not too keen on going back to stay together (tho i do feel like, just to help MIL and DH - his shop/office is in the same house).

Lot of other issues as well, like they've made my step-daughter against me by mil telling her don't eat what i cook, it has no taste. I got her a doll at the start, and he used to tell her throw it away cause (reason: there's some "black" magic done to it by me)..
Anyways, she's a sprightly girl, and tho' the bad seeds are sown already, I hope one day she can understand where i stand.
For now, I help her in studies as and when reqd., get her stuff now and then, ignore her nasty comments most of the time.

Lots of other things .. dont want to get into all that crap now.

So, just trying to be cordial to all of them. And I go and help out whenever I can.

To give them all due credit, they are good people at heart.

Just, some crazy things have passed and lots of misunderstanding, and they still don't let go.

But you are right, I have to let go of the bitterness.

Will check out the website, what is it actually?
And any other piece of advice, pls feel free to mention anytime.
thanks,
h

Hi Hasita,

Good to know that everything went smoothly. I hope everything works for good. I also applaud your decision for standing by your husband in not sending your FIL to an old age home. There are not many DILs like you. Your kind heart will definitely bring you good things in life. All the best !!!

Regards,
Kavya.

Originally Posted by hasita

hi Kavya, Nandhu,
Thanks for your views on this situation.

Just to update you, we did meet with this aunt and her son. He did offer to give some amt. if reqd. But after some discussing they also ruled out the need for a hospital right now.

Basically they also know his nature and understood that he mainly wants to have people to chat with him. We all spend some time doing that anyways. We mentioned would try to do more of it. Also, since couple of days he started doing a bit of accounts and says i feel better. In fact, today itself I
told him, being busy in some way or looking forward to doing a particular task, however small, itself takes one's mind away from unnecessary thoughts.

Yes, Nandhu, DH is only son.
And that is why, when his cousin said to send FIL to an old-age home, we both said no-way.
But he still said, if my FIL is ready for it, he will contribute. We just said, ok, let's see. But my DH will never do that and I stand by him on that.

I have no brother, so want to save for my parents as well if ever reqd.

Kavya, as for his earlier behavior towards me, I have put it at the back of my mind and continue my civil attitude with him, always thinking .."I will not forget my manners and misbehave or talk badly just because he chooses to do it".


Kavya, I am not being money-minded, just practical. When the real need arises, i will definitely chip in to help DH.

In fact, I have helped some friends earlier when in trouble and till today never asked for it, even tho' at the time she said will return when can. She is in trouble still, and I too have no thoughts of getting that amt. Don't even really remember it. I know God will repay me in better ways! What
say?!


Btw, 3 of my SILs are also there, out of which probably just one SIL can help financially.
Current situation though, she also backed out.

best,
hasita

Dear Hasita,

I see a lot of positivity in you...so my dear please have faith in god...this is his way of trying his good children.

Yes the website is EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else click on this link and download the mannual its an 84 page mannual. If you have time read the entire mannual or currently you can read the pages between 30-45 and this will guide you and give you a head start. If you need any help PM me and i will guide you. There is no harm in trying this out. as there are no dise effects and no monetary involvement.

All i can say is you do your duty and leave the rest to the almighty.

Warm regards