Need advice - FIL issue

hi Kavya,
Thanks for your message.
I have great faith in God and always hope for better things. I really appreciate your positive note to me.
thanks once again,
hasita

Roopa,
Yes, like I just mentioned to Kavya, I have faith in God. And I will definitely check out what your have suggested.
If need be, I will get back to you about it. Thanks, dear.
best,
hasita

Dear Hasita,

Firstly, my sincere apologies for totally missing this post. I did not notice it until yesterday.

Your situation is indeed complex. Kudos to you for keeping your mind straight through all of this. Everyone has given very good advice. I probably have nothing much to add to it but will add a few things.

Before I write my suggestions, let me tell you that your issue has by far been the toughest one for me to think about because it involves an elder. I tried to put myself in your situation and replaced your fil with my Dad but yet I was unable to think of a clear solution. When it comes to kids and elders we are extra cautious and sensitive and rightfully so. I hope I am not overstepping any limits here by expressing some of my thoughts below. And if I inadvertently do so, please know that it is definitely not intentional.

As you are already doing, continue to take care of your fil because you and hubby are all he has for the most part. I will agree with you that if you do not feel like you can live peacefully under the same roof then staying away is better.

I think there are two things that you must focus on – getting your fil some diversion/occupation during the day and to strengthen your own finances. This may be a repetition of what has already been said by others here.

First thing is, your fil needs an occupation during the day. By occupation I do not mean a job or work but something to keep his mind engaged. I know you have already tried that and failed. But somehow it has to be done. When you and husband are working trying to make needs meet there is no way you can give your fil the time and the company he needs. No matter how hard you try, it is practically not possible for you to do so. So he needs someone his age, with his interests to interact with. What are his interests? Is he computer savvy? If he is not, is he interested in learning it? There are some organizations where you can be involved and contribute to them online. A friend circle that he likes to be with and that meets regularly for few hours a day would be another good option. I know I am probably repeating what you may have already tried. But all we can do is think of new things and try them. Roopa had some good ideas about being involved in temple activities or some sort of elderly club. I guess just be on the lookout for what are the various things in your area that are offered for elderly people.

Also when you spend time with him, make this time as a time to try something new with him. Not just chatting with him but may be take him for a drive/walk. Something you know he will like but is too lazy to do or too adamant to admit. Sometimes change of scene makes people listen better. Coax him into those things and make your visits such that you introduce some new good things in his life or expose him to something that may be good for him to learn and know. He may push back and that’s natural. But if you know he may eventually like it, force him into it gently.

As they say, people become like kids in their old age. Sometimes love, sometimes affection and sometimes pushing them is necessary.

As for his food habits, I really think you should just let him eat whatever he likes. I know this is contrary to what his health demands but after having bad health and being at an age where the end is nearing with every year, just let him eat what he likes if he is so adamant about it. Stop worrying about his eating habits. This will ease a lot of mental pressure on him and on all of you. I have seen a very close Uncle face a similar situation where he is diabetic but loves to eat sweets and has always been a foodie. Good food is his thing. He has always been like that. He is nearing 70 and even now when he starts indulging in food, his wife and married kids try to keep a check on him. He used to oppose this a lot and one day when he was visiting me here, he just blew his top when his wife tried to stop him from eating something. He explained his point about how he has already stopped doing so many things he used to enjoy doing just so his health does not suffer. But he is tired of keeping a check on everything and wants to do at least some things he likes. He also said that at this age he does not care about living long. All he wants is to be able to live somewhat freely and happily the years that are left. He was in tears. At that time, I realized that sometimes what we think of as taking care could be suffering to someone else. So at the cost of compromising on their health, we should let some things go. Drinking too much on a regular basis is not good either. So reduce it but I am not sure if you can stop it completely.

I think if you let him indulge in eating then he may become more receptive to the other things you tell him. This has been my experience interacting with some of the elders in my family.

As for you, you have to strengthen your finances. And I totally agree with your thought that along with affection and love and care some sort of reality check is necessary. What you see and envision, others in the family may not be seeing it. So although you may look rude and bad right now, they will probably realize later that some of the decisions you took were for the best. So definitely go for the house purchase. No second thoughts about it. Do not flinch on that for anything. Like you have already said, if hospital stay is necessary for your fil you will do that. But it seems like it is not necessary right now so don’t do it.

From your salary, set aside a small amount every month as money towards fil. No need to tell anyone or give it to fil. But do keep some money aside. In a few months, invest part of it so it can grow and keep some of it liquid so it can be used whenever needed. So when you need to spend on things your fil needs, you will not feel as much pressure all of a sudden.

If you are interested and if you think it will work for your fil, I can look up and ask around for some organizations for the elderly in Chennai. You may have already done that but just in case.

If none of the above is helpful, please do come back with your thoughts so we can try to think of other ways to alleviate your problem.

My best wishes to you. You are a kind-hearted and affectionate person with your head firmly on your shoulders so God will be kind to you. Just hang in there.

SS

Dear SS,
Thanks for your elaborate and thoughtful reply.
I will reply at length tomorrow.
many thanks,
hasita

Dear SS,
Thanks for your elaborate and thoughtful reply.
I will reply tomorrow.
many thanks,
hasita

..repeat..

......................

Food: I completely understand you hasita. When a person says, its my oldage and I want to eat out whatever I want, I dont think one can get any sense to them. For such a person, advice from family and well wishers never work. I think, you can do only what you can, if you cross that, your respect will be gone. So whatever u are doing is completely fine. You can advice them regularly. But its upto them to take it into account, right :)

Drinks: What you mean by peg - hot or wine? If wine.. then what he says is right, unfortunately. It very good to have a glass a day :)

About your family and daughter specifically, dont you worry sweetheart. you are doing as per your conscience and it will never let you down. it just takes some time for others to understand your true good feelings. Let it take. Live that moment and not worry abt anything. About your daughter's comments, just ignore them. She's just an immature girl brainwashed. May be one day she will know your love. She will know how you handled her when she herself is a mom. :)

No, dont stress yourself with all these thoughts. Live that moment. As SS adviced, save a few every month for such emergenices. might come handy..

Take care

hi SS,
Once again, thank you so much for the well-thought out reply.

You have given very good pointers on how to make him more occupied. But the main issue here is that he has to climb down 2 floors and back up each time he wants to step out to meet anyone.

This is a major problem for him, given his condition. He can do it slowly, but he says he gets too tired thereafter. If I remember correctly, he's been out only a couple of times in the past one year, that too after a lot of coaxing, cajoling, arguments with all, etc. Earlier he used to get down once in a month or two to visit the barber, now even the barber is called home.

Once to my SIL's house, and prior to that, we took him to the beach, ~ a year ago.

Even if he had some interest in reading, it would've helped to some extent.

I've kept an old computer there.. probably like you say, I could teach him to play some games on it or teach him some package. Step-daughter can also teach him what she learns in school about the computer. It will be good for her too to repeat her lessons!

Another thing to try is he has one friend that I know. That man is a gentleman, moreover he visits our community "temple" each Sunday. My FIL will not go there, but I can ask his friend to visit him once in a while.

Yes, he's very much like a kid. Yes, like you and also Nandhu pointed out, we give him what he wants to eat. But sometimes my MIL will fight with him on that as he keeps changing the menu till the last minute. Too fussy! Or she starts asking him what to make a couple of hours before lunch or dinner time, but he will tell nothing till the last minute.


Good idea about the side-finance! I will surely try to keep something aside each month.

As for me, well, there are many times when I get angry as well. More than me, it is DH who has to face a lot of all this. Esp. when he is working, my FIL will start irritating him and DH is unable to work during the day, and that too when customers are standing on the head. Also, MIL keeps on nagging DH with snide remarks about me off and on, so he just gets mad.

On the whole, we have each other and take comfort in that as well as that no matter how much they talk against us, we are doing the right thing, and will continue to do so.

Thanks once again for taking the time and the abundant concern too, SS.
best,
hasita

hi Nandhu,
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.
You're right about food, we can only tell and explain. Its upto him to realize and correct it.

Well, its not wine. So you can guess? And seems like you enjoy a drink or two too! If yes, then DH would enjoy your company :) (not to mention, FIL too!)

Yes, my step-daughter will realize all in due time. I leave it at that. But only regret is that I could've given her so much more if she does not close her mind and heart. And all this hurts me too when MIL teaches her such stuff about me. Have your grudges against your DIL (me), but why tell to a young girl? As it is, they both sit and watch the saas-bahu serials (i abhor them and never watch them!)

You're right, I have to thank God and live and enjoy the good moments that life offers.
Sometimes, I just take all this as one more type of experience that the one above it putting me through, so we have to face it and come out stronger. :)

thanks again, and you take care too.
best,
hasita