Rights of DIL

Reesha · Feb 1, 2016

Hi ladies,

for long time we are discussing problems with in-laws hear. Most of them are about dominating , influencing, demanding and block mailing so on from In-laws & SIL, BIL/ co-sis...because it is became common in Indians tradition/culture from long decades on wards. Hear i am asking

As per Indian tradition every one in DH family is expecting some things as their RIGHTS to take from DIL of that house?

like giving dowry, doing kitchen works along with cooking , cleaning, satisfying their customs like pooja, respecting their relatives & serving them so on....raising kids with their sur names so on..

SO as a new/old DIL what we can expect/ having RIGHTS to get from them(DH family) while we are satisfying their wishes/ Rights as per tradition/ culture in india?

in Any case like cooking, while DIL is pregnant, in case pooja preferences, gifts & in case of child bringing up particularly when baby/toddler age...what are Rights we have as per tradition?

As per indian tradition most of DIL are bringing up that with knowledge of what they have to give to DH's family, but not aware that what they has to get from them...So please comment like me in bellow format so every one can understand their RIGHT to have at In-laws place.

NOTE: these RIGHTS system applicable to DILs who are satisfying RIGHTS of DH family only...

For example:
DIL -> MIL : DIL cooked food & managed home daily for in-laws when she newly married.
MIL -> DIL: she need to take cooking & management responsibility while DIL is pregnant & suffering with new born/ toddler.

DIL->FIL: She taken care him during his hospital/ ill time by providing special care to him.
FIL->DIL: He needs help to hold child for a some time/ help to MIL at home management.

DIL->SIL/ younger BIL: She has given valuable suggestions & participated along with DH to make successful of marriage/ studies mentally cum financially from back end.
SIL/ younger BIL-> DIL: Need to give respect/ preference to DIL when they are with her & need to do possible help to reduce DIL burden like taking grosser for her so on..

DIL -> elder BIL/ co-sis : will give respect & do lot of varieties of food for them when visited. Gave gifts them as well for their kids so on..
elder BIL/ co-sis -> DIL: Need to give same respect levels, gifts back to DIL when ever situation occurs.

DIL-> IN-laws: will cook & manage total work at home to keep in-laws in comfort zone with her efforts & salary. took special care to them when they are ill/ bed ridden at final stages.
In-laws ->DIL: Need to manage at home while DIL is pregnant & help to bring their child until children became self managed, support to DIL to balance life at work & office.

DIL->DH family: fallowing cultural customs of family, changed food & habitual behavior according to In-laws home environment.
DH family->DIL: Changing small customs according to DIL wish & giving exceptions to DIL if she dont like it.

Why i am raising this is, even though i done my service to my in-laws when they needed &providing comfort zone with my salary , they are not helping to me by watching my care takers/ maids work at home when i am at office. simply they are taking that freedom as advantage & roaming out of their relatives house for enjoyment purpose. I am arguing with DH that while i am doing my duty as good DIL, they also should do their small duties at home as Good in-laws. but he is saying it is optional for them but my duty is mandatory as per tradition.

Please put your comment in above format. What you did, what has to get?

shobhamma · Feb 1, 2016

You are right Reesha. For any relationship there are rights and duties on both sides.

generic · Feb 2, 2016

What you are expecting is not unreasonable..when you have hired caretaker and done cooking the least thing they can do is watch over the caretaker ..leaving the child alone at home with an outsider is not good..especially after reading all cases of ill treatment and abuse of the small kids..truth is how much ever caretakers look after the kids, the good upbringing or Sanskar can be done by parents and grandparents only..sad that your in laws do not have interest in doing this. Anyway once the kid starts going to school they will get some free time for their leisure. It may not be their duty to look after the child but it's their duty to make sure that the maids and caretakers are supervised at all times to avoid anything bad happening to the child. This is the duty they are refusing to take up.

kcb · Feb 2, 2016

Yes you are right, but it's both the parties responsibility to understand their duties & responsibilities, which is really difficult.....

There will be no issues or fights in a family if everyone understands their limits & duties.....

Amica · Feb 3, 2016

Reesha said: ↑

... while i am doing my duty as good DIL, they also should do their small duties at home as Good in-laws.
Click to expand...

I agree with you. All relationships are or should be a two-way street. There has to be balance between give and take.

Rihana · Feb 3, 2016

Reesha said: ↑

Why i am raising this is, even though i done my service to my in-laws when they needed &providing comfort zone with my salary , they are not helping to me by watching my care takers/ maids work at home when i am at office. simply they are taking that freedom as advantage & roaming out of their relatives house for enjoyment purpose
Click to expand...

If they supervise the caretaker/maid when you and husband are at work, that means they have to be at home all day. These are their golden retirement years... when they can do what they want, go around, enjoy life, before they get so old that such outings are difficult for them.

You took care of them when they were sick, and are now also providing some support, and care to them, but expecting that they will remain under "house arrest" while you are at work, is not very fair or realistic.

There are in-laws and parents who do stay home all day with grandchildren, just that your in-laws are not that kind.

If you feel they are taking advantage of you, instead of arguing with husband, figure out a way of not depending on them, and cut down the help/comfort you provide. Let husband do the seva directly. If he has to bear the brunt of doing the seva, he might change his opinions a bit.

yellowmango · Feb 3, 2016

OP...while your list of duties for everyone seems very reasonable....it is not a such a strict give and take.There has to be flexibility in terms of personal preferences.

e.g.If the dil does not want to ,she need not do everything herself...she can get the work done at home with helpers.

Similarly others should have that flexibility.

Taking care of their comfort Vs expecting them to be tied down with supervising the care takers without any option of socializing as adults does not seem like a equal and reciprocal duty.

Your in laws look like healthy and fit couple who are fairly independent physically.

Expecting them to stay at home and supervising caretakers at home all time = them expecting an educated dil to stay home and take care of home instead of gong for work.

Neither is fair.

I understand that some of your reasoning stems from the fact that your in laws took care of your biil and co sisters children while they are reluctant to do so with your children.

Try to look into the reason why it is so.

1)May be they are just tired of taking care of /supervising grandchildren and want to spend time like they do now.

2)May be they took care of that responsibility the way they could under their conditions.

3) May be they were not just supervisors and did work that they liked.

4)May be your bil is not so sound financially and could not afford the caretakers like you do...hence they had to pitch in and help with the grandchildren.

5)Just sitting at home and supervising workers can be a very boring task for active people.If I was asked to do that,I would be bored to death.

Try to look at the cause.

Accept that your in laws are out going people who don't want to be tied down and work around that fact .

Your in laws are healthy independent people,you do not have to cushion them in comforts .Let them lead a normal life. Don't spend your paychecks smothering them in comforts they may not be needing. You will resent the refusal to be tied down less.

As for your husband expecting duty from you.....he is wrong.It is his duty to take care of his parents and your duty is to help him in that. If you are doing the duty he expects of you...just tell him you expect him to do the same for your parents too. Again this will help you accept this situation more.

Just ease up on your duties as a dil. You don't have to be perfect.
Give them more leeway on their responsibilities towards you and your children.

Cheers.....you are doing fine. Just hang in there...soon your kids will be gong to play school.Till then invest in some cameras to supervise in the absence of your in laws. Let them know that you are doing this so that you can supervise in their absence.

coolgal123 · Feb 3, 2016

Everyone living in the house should chip in their contributions...if in-laws expects their son n dil to stay with them as a one single family, then they are responsible to do their bit...
If they want to enjoy their retirement life like free bird ,then they should live separate in nuclear family...expecting nothing at least from dil....

generic · Feb 3, 2016

coolgal123 said: ↑

Everyone living in the house should chip in their contributions...if in-laws expects their son n dil to stay with them as a one single family, then they are responsible to do their bit...
If they want to enjoy their retirement life like free bird ,then they should live separate in nuclear family...expecting nothing at least from dil....
Click to expand...

Exactly what I was gonna say...if the DIL is living with in laws she has to do seva for them which includes cooking for them and caring for them in ill health. If she requests them to watch over the maids to avoid exploitation it's such a burden on them?its quite surprising they are not protective of their grandkids. Do they not care how the child is taken care of in their abscence..? Those who want to enjoy retired life can stay separately and enjoy as they like and not expect any seva from dil. The chance of caring and playing with grandkids is a blessing according to me, and they are missing out on this...so many elderly people I know who are in India, their children and grandkids are in U.S. Or other foreign countries...they yearn for the opportunity to visit abroad and look after the grandkids, feed them food out of their own hands.. I know of so many joint families in which In laws don't care about dil but take such good care of grandchildren and discipline them and bring them up with good qualities... Grandchildren are also very attached to dada and dadi and seeing this the dil adjusts with them inspite of issues with them and goes for work with a sense of relief.

Amica · Feb 4, 2016

There has to be give and take in every relationship. You get to decide what you want to give, but you do not get to mandate what everyone else should give you.

If there is a shortfall in the taking aspect for you, scale back on the giving. All you can do is change your own actions and attitude, you can't control other people.

As for your immediate issue of watching the caretaker, get a nanny cam.

Once you stop making demands, you might find that your in-laws voluntarily lavish love and time on your kids.

Good luck. I hope things work out well for you.