"How to handle a possessive mother-in-law?"

Hi, Bhanuvetri

Your conditions seems to be exactly as mine. Honestly, it makes me shiver when I see them doing all those cheap activities. I would say, good that you atleast showed your disagreement with the fact. I could not show that either. Know what, I cant give you an answer here as I am also on the same boat but somehow I feel that these MILs are abnormal psychologically. Now, I am thinking of expressing my disagreements too if I see any rotten behavior. I would also suggest you not to stay apart from your hubby when you are in India. Even my hubby suggested the same procedure, but I resented to that. If we are with them, then we can stop this nonsense behavior.

Hi Bhanuvetri and N@..
I have seen this kind of closeness with my mom and my brother. when my brother was a kid it did not seam different to me or even did not notice it. Recently I had to stay with them for 5 months and it seamed so odd .My brother is not yet married . I kind of mentioned in an indirect way to both of them and do you know what I got " I cant even talk to my son in front of you". ever since she stoped talking to me normally .I guess my mom tured in to MIL for me ! what to do.

Hello,

Really very good and helpful comments.......really .......


I knw some of them but got to know more from this.....

ok bye for now

Take care

Originally Posted by Malini Iyer

Have you recently been married to someone who happens to be the only son of the family? Better still, he happens to be the only child of the family? More often that not, he will be accompanied by a possessive mother, who monitors and judges each and every move of his and has all her brain cells working on how to optimize his actions to the highest degree. This possessive mother in all likely-hood consider every woman incapable of looking after her son’s ‘unique’ needs and even if she has agreed to the marriage, she might have done so reluctantly.

It is tough to be in such a relationship. There is no denying the fact. But if you really love the man, you need to work out some ways to help everyone live in peace. Here is some helpful advice which might see you through the day. However, we do recommend use of some highly creative ideas which can only come to you if you keep a firm head on your shoulder!

First of all don’t try to change anyone. Either him or your mother-in-law. This is one thing that will only lead to a bottomless pit of frustration which just might end up screwing up your own relationship. Instead, use the possessiveness to your advantage and include yourself in the equation each and every time your mother-in-law plans something.

For eg, if she obsesses about food and wants to cook for him, don’t fret. Throw in the towel (and your giant size I-can-also-cook-well ego) and ask her to cook for you as well. Not only do you save yourself the hassle of cooking (God knows that we modern women consider cooking to be the bane of our existence) but also get a well cooked meal as a bonus.

Become a sycophant. Instead of berating your mother-in-law for berating you, heap her will loads of praises and keep saying that you want to become just like her. This is going to get you in her good books faster than you can imagine and also keep the relationship with you and your husband argument-free. Over a period of time, she will forget about bad mouthing you ever and at the end of the day, both of you might just have a good relationship with each other.

Don’t forget the fact that she carried him for nine troublesome months in her womb (you can be sure that she will not let you or him forget that) and has lived through all him childhood tantrums and put him through school and college to make him the man you love. Appreciate her in public if you can. Remember, that though it is said that though you can fight fire with fire, it is only cold water which douses the biggest of fires!

Handling a possessive mother-in-law is going to take a lot of patience, understanding and thought. There are some do-nots which you must follow if you want to become a success in this challenge:

• Do not bad mouth her in front of your husband
• Do not rise to the baits which she will throw your way by way of comments on cooking, housekeeping, saying how much weight her son has lost since marriage etc.
• Do not discuss your personal relationship with your husband with her. You never know when she might use it as information to be used against you.

Most women who have married men and are still in some way tied to the apron strings of their mothers find it difficult to manage the possessive mother-in-law and feel bewildered around her. That is exactly what the possessive mom wants to do: show her son what a bumbling idiot he has married! If you want to avoid falling in this category, then keep a cool head and follow the advice of the wise that have already been through this drill. Remember, when you can’t beat them, you join them!

Hi I just harped upon this thread today. What lovely words and what wisdom
Wish I had read this article earlier. It would have been a real good advice. Nevertheless, its never too late. Thanks Malini

What I feel, its not necessary to be married with the only son in the family.MILs can be possesive even if they have more than one son.
I liked the idea and firmly believe in the following point mentioned by the thread starter.

"Do not discuss your personal relationship with your husband with her. You never know when she might use it as information to be used against you"

One must not share any personal conflicts and issues to MILs. This makes them secure that their son can not be so called snatched by DIL and consequently make our (DIL's) stand weak in the family.
So try to keep such personal conflicts to yourself.

Anshu

Originally Posted by N@!Sr!

Hi, everyone

Have gone through all your posts and remedies. They are exceptionally good. But I really need some assistance to my personal issues.
Whenever we visit my In-laws house, my sick MIL will first hug her son and start kissing him all over. Initially this did not bother me as after all he is her son. However, I really got surprised when I saw that she continued this every half hour.
One instance, when my hubby went for the shower and asked me to take out his under garments and shirts/pants etc. I saw his mom getting into the room exactly when he is changing and again the same stuff of fondling and kissing

Also she took him to a different room with no lights and sat next to him whispering something in his ears. I caught a glance of both of them when I went to grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator (purposely) and saw that my MIL's hand is on my hubby's thighs, wearing a short as the night dress in the hot summer.

I got the shock of my life time and I asked my hubby about the discussions that they had. But he rarely explained anything to me and ignored the topic. This kept on happening for all the days we were there and my hubby is not allowed to either talk to me, or sleep with me or go out with me whenever we are at our in-laws. And even my hubby does not feel bad about all these behavior that goes with me in his house.
If I complain or discuss anything, he gets angry and says that I have a mean mind.

I seriously seek help as to how do I convince my hubby about this matter which is extremely sick. If I go by the dictionery, then it might be termed as "Incest".

My friends, tell me if I am over reacting in this situation or what should I do? I am terribly bothered about this behavior and scared for another trip to these sick people but I cant make my husband understand all these. Please help!!!

Hi,
My sister is a psycology major and she was saying something abt a condition called Oedipus complex. This is something that's between mothers and son..Even in my case, my MIL used to ask me to go out when her son is changing his dress and he wud be in underwear. Once before our first nite, she slept next to him and kept hugging and kissing him saying that always she should be number one and my husband should always think of her first and all.Morever, ever morning I cannot even sleep in cuz both my inlaws would knock on my door at 5.00 in the morning for using the bathroom in the bedroom. And I have seen so many times my Mil glancing over our side to see how we are sleeping or whatever she does. But I have caught her taking quick peekat us in the morning hours when she comes in and it was awful. Glad this didn't last cuz we dont live with them in India but I am scared what wud happen when she comes here.