"How to handle a possessive mother-in-law?"

Very nice advice Malini, if only I knew it in the begining!! would have saved a lot of headaches.
Keep writing more .........

Hi, everyone

Have gone through all your posts and remedies. They are exceptionally good. But I really need some assistance to my personal issues.
Whenever we visit my In-laws house, my sick MIL will first hug her son and start kissing him all over. Initially this did not bother me as after all he is her son. However, I really got surprised when I saw that she continued this every half hour.
One instance, when my hubby went for the shower and asked me to take out his under garments and shirts/pants etc. I saw his mom getting into the room exactly when he is changing and again the same stuff of fondling and kissing

Also she took him to a different room with no lights and sat next to him whispering something in his ears. I caught a glance of both of them when I went to grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator (purposely) and saw that my MIL's hand is on my hubby's thighs, wearing a short as the night dress in the hot summer.

I got the shock of my life time and I asked my hubby about the discussions that they had. But he rarely explained anything to me and ignored the topic. This kept on happening for all the days we were there and my hubby is not allowed to either talk to me, or sleep with me or go out with me whenever we are at our in-laws. And even my hubby does not feel bad about all these behavior that goes with me in his house.
If I complain or discuss anything, he gets angry and says that I have a mean mind.

I seriously seek help as to how do I convince my hubby about this matter which is extremely sick. If I go by the dictionery, then it might be termed as "Incest".

My friends, tell me if I am over reacting in this situation or what should I do? I am terribly bothered about this behavior and scared for another trip to these sick people but I cant make my husband understand all these. Please help!!!

Hi N@!Sr!

I can say u r really over reacting about this situation...many MIL treats their son's as LKG going kid..it happens in every house but in every diff. style....

My Sis Husband's( 6ft 1 in) mom still feeds him, sits beside him n do "kha beta kha" ( eat my son eat) n patting him all the time...seeing this pic , we can only laugh....

so chill out girl , don't ruin ur present, thinking about past n how will be in future...just enjoy ur days with husband n make him trust u more with ur love n support...

stop nagging about this topic bec no son will be ready to hear this type of words about their mom...so stop n concentrate on building ur married life with happiness n lots of love...

Skavi

Dear Skavi

Thank you for your reply. In reality, I have never seen these type of behavior within my family, not even amongst my cousins. So, I really got shocked.

The fact is this mom-son love affair started all after our marriage. Till 2006 when we got married, my MIL never used to call her son on his B'day to wish him even.(I know this coz my hubby used to tell me that I am the only person in his life who cares for him.Even his mom forgets his b'day). I was with my hubby for 1year(b4 marriage) when he was in college/hostel. Had never ever seen his mom/or sis's/father calling him anytime to check about his well being. All of a sudden this started when we got married and when he started earning well after moving to Middle East. Isn't that a fake affection??

Thanks Malini for this wonderful thread with bright ideas. Will put them into practice; I think i read it just in time...

Yes, ladies, i can identify myself with many of ur problems. Looks like mil's r deemed to behave this way. My mil too used to sleep in our bed often when she came to US, taking care of my (sleeping!!) baby (I really mean my child here :), while DH made me sleep in her bed!! These r DH's little ways of pleasing his mom, who is after all old and needs to be respected. Annoying, isnt it?

N@!Sr!, i m not sure if what u just described abt ur mil n husband is "healthy"... seems fishy to me, but i wud wait n watch before pouncing on him. I've come across other methods of showing affection. Like, DH lying on his mamma's lap every afternoon, huggin each other n crying like children. Seems odd for their age, but after all, they're mom n son. We wud *like to* do the same with our mom, wudnt we (although we wudnt b doin that in public)? So, just ignore it.

Dear nhp,
I'm in the same boat as u. Believe me, almost each n every thing u said has happened in my case. My mil & fil were also depressed after our marriage, bcos they feared i was a bad girl! So DH is extra cautious n always eggs me on to respect them.

My in laws also attack my parents, n even any other of my relatives who comes into the picture. So disgusting! They raise my DH's ego by picking out cases of disregard/disrespect (like the not-calling-to-inform/enquire incident u described), & DH turns violent n forms the uneraseable opinion that my parents r haughty. He has been telling this to me whenever possible. Nothing that we have done afterwards has made him change his opinion. He's so stubborn. Tell me, have u succeeded in convincing ur husband that ur parents DO respect ur in-laws n husband? How did u do that? Pls share with me some tips.

I'm also tensed everytime my parents n in laws meet. We cant tell all the things abt our in-laws behavior n expectations to our parents, as they'll get dejected. Worse still, what if they counter our in-laws n make the situation worse? At the same time, we must be careful n pray that our parents let out no casual remark or do nothing that wud anger our in-laws & make them point out to DH as a big flaw. What life it is!

DH is really blind to these issues n urges me to ask my parents give his parents "proper respect" .

My mil also asks my husband to love her family more than anyone else, n has asked him to bring up our child that way!

Wonder when DH wud see through this cunningness!

Originally Posted by nhp

Hi,
Very nice post, as it reflects my life condition exactly. This is my first post to IndusLadies, though I'm a regular reader. You guys are actally awesome..in giving advise and suggestions.. I've a situation with my MIL, which really confuses me a lot.. I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing..Please advise me..

I'm in the exact same situation of having a very very possessive and insecure MIL.Its been 3 yrs since I'm married and mine is an arranged marriage.Infact my inlaws were very intrested in the alliance than my parents. My husband is very nice.. and we love each other a lot. He is the only son and he has a sister whos living with his parents and we live in US.

My MIL is possesive to the extent that she got into a depression soon after we were engaged fearing that I would seperate them. ( I really dont know why she badly wanted us to get married then..).And even went to the extent of commiting suicide and finally saved.Now shes all better.. but everybody in my husband's family including my dear husband are extra carefull in talking to her fearing that she'll fall into depression again.and they dont say anything for whatever she does.

I really dont know about all these for a long time.But came to know about this only when I saw her in action, when she came to visit us last yr.she would cook dishes only for her son and she would tell me not to touch them as they are especially for her son.. and he decides the menu everyday.. and many more things like this. Initially I didnt have the patience for all this and I busted out to her at one point for which she made a big fuss and told everybody that "I thought her as a daughter but she told me like this.." etc.. My FIL was also here at that time.. and he has a really bad temper (which I found out only then..) shouted at me that I'm the main cause of problems in their house.. and they are not happy after I came in.. (Believe me.. I cannot think about one good reason why they got me married to their son).My husband will remain neutral at these times.. and he 'll blame both his mom and also me.. so, finally I decided that I need to be tactfull as shes and keep smilling and get things done instead of fighting for it. Also, I followed some of the dos and donts which Malini has mentioned..and more than that with lots and lots of patience it worked. Though we were not buddies, things were ok between us. no big fight and all..and its working till this day.

But, another problem has come up.. she hates my parents like anything (for the same reason "god knows why"!) and nowadays as shes not fighting with me.. she picks up some lame reason to fight with my parents.. For example.. when they were here to visit us this yr..she shouted at them saying they didnt call her as soon as they landed..she insulted them a lot and shouted at them.

shes really insecure and always tells her son that she should be the first person that he should love and nobody is as important as her. and she was really scared that he'll like my parents more than her.

But while talking to me shes very nice and says that I'm a good DIL etc. I didnt know how to handle this situation at first.I dont want to spoil the relation ship I'd been building with her all these days too.. so, I asked my husband to handle the situation and he spoke to her about that and she accepted at first.. and was silent for sometime..

But now, everything has started again.. she picks up fight for all lame reasons but nothing really serious has come up util now.. I really feel sorry for my parents.. and often I feel guilty that only because of my marriage they need to suffer like this.. Every time my parents and inlaws meet I'm a lot tensed and I always pray that everything should go well.. I'm not sure if I've to do anything other than praying.. I'm not sure if I need to shout back at her.. which will push me to square 1 again and I'll destroy whatever trust which I was building all these days.. also she would make my life and my parents life hell.. Please adivse me..

I want to get along with my inlaws just for the sake of my husband ,he loves them a lot.. and I really love him a lot.I dont want him to suffer between us. all I really wanted when I got married was one big happy family. But I still dont know how to achieve that..

Thanks and Regards,
nhp

Hi, Sandu

I agree with you that they are mom and son and they have every right to hug/cuddle and show affection to each other. But can you imagine, DH wearing a short and his mom moving her fingers on his thigh and going upwards ??? I feel ashamed of writing this but this is true to my soul. I got the shock of my life time as I have never seen any of my cousins or my own siblings having that kind of a relationship with their moms.

Has anyone noticed that a son's mom entering the room while he is changing when the son's age is 30?????

Mom caressing the chest, kissing near the lips of her son???? How many of you have seen such a sick thing?? Mother daughter or mother son relationship is very sacred and the way of kissing and caressing is alltogether different. For that matter, even mommy dog acts differently to her offsprings than my MIL.

Feeding, hugging, or son sleeping on the lap is okay. But what I saw was incredibly awful. I really need someone to throw some light on this as to how do I make my hubby realize that its not normal. When I asked my DH if this was always there, he stated that NO, it wasnt the case earlier.

Hi N@!Sr! I can understand your situation...It's difficult to believe though. Shd be very hard for you to digest the fact. Your husband is himself puzzled abt his mom's behavior. My guess is - he would discuss this in a more open way with someone else, say his friend or (elder) brother, than you, bcos it's you who is offended. Just my guess. I dont think you can do much about it. I'm sorry for you.

Hi, Sandu

Its a very hard fact to belive. As I said, I was completely lost and confused when I saw all these things. For the initial 2 days, I was speechless and those incidents kept on pondering in my mind 24 hours. Neither was I able to ask anyone about this, nor was I able to believe my eyes. I was not even being able to sleep peacefully during those days. After 7-8 days like this, I asked my hubby if this is a usual behavior of his mom. He initially ignored my question and then told me I am jealous of his mom.And after that he told me he has never seen such behavior earlier.

Infact, I know him since college days and if a mom loves her son so much, would not you think that she would atleast call her son on his B'day and wish him atleast?

Surprisingly she never did that. Infact he met with a serious bike accident once in college (away from his native) and no one from his family even bothered to ask him how he was. It was me who took full care of him for 6-7 days to bring him back to normal. Where was his mom's love then???

Now that he earns well and supports his family well every month, thats when he became the ideal son and all false , dramatic love is getting ushered. At times, I feel that she does all these to make me fell jealous.

Hai Sandu and nhp
Me too in the same boat
After marriage we came to Dubai
i didnt notice anything
This year, March we called her here
that time ,i treated her like my mum only
when we went outside , she used to hold my husbands hand not my hand.(i am ready to give a hand her )
But she never use to come on my way
after one week only noticed they are holding their hands in Home too....
What's the necessity for this ?


What she trying to convey me by holding his hands and standing by him all the time etc
Some things we can't reveal in writing here
I kept quiet becoz its only for months
then we all went to India on July
In India she becomes more free and teased me ,for unknown reasons
What ever she cooked , she will say this is for my son?
Tell me any ILites how I will eat that food?
What i have to reply for that?
she wont allow me to speak to him
she wont him to come to our room, simply engage him with stupid talks
dont even think son and daughter -in -law has privacy too...
What to do?
i never replied to her for any thing
so she feels quite comfort and stands on my head
But finally , i became Frustrated
It came out finally when I saw them holding hands on their thighs in public place
i shouted like anything
First time in my life i shouted that too in railway station
I never used to shout ,
My husband turned back with a shock and asked what happened?
I told him "take ur hand"
he removed his hand and shouted me
But she didnt take of her hand ...y?
she wants to tell me that son belongs to her?
It made me to cry
My parents felt very bad
My hubby came down and he agreed next time when we r coming India u stay with ur parents and i will stay with my Mum////
Is this is the solution for this type of problems?
Y this touchings and kissings?
any one tell me