Important decisions in my life!! put your suggestions on ILs

thashi · Nov 27, 2015

Hi ILs,

I had to return after a long time of my visit to this site again to take your suggestions.

all your opinions and suggestions were very helpful to me all these days, Thanks to all of you .

Now, I have a new phase of life to be decided about:

It so happened that we (my hubby and in-laws) have finally reached and settled with our new home. Me being a single child to my mother, always preferred to keep mom at my eye sight distance. It was after my father s demise when I was nine months old baby, that I became the only living world to my mother. She has not even tried for a second marriage after then just for me.

I really do owe her my life and that's what I feel .

Now, I am pregnant with my second child and I feel now that being away from my mother is emotionally affecting both of us. I had suggested to mu husband to get my mom and make her stay along with us. But, he says a valid reason that my In-laws also stay with us and getting my mother with create problem with them.

I am quite confused now how to make things work my way. I am just planning if I could get a rented house for my mom very near to my home and keep them there. Money is playing as a ridge. I am ready to invest for all this but my husband is concerned about my expenditures which seems unnecessary for him now.

Guys, can you suggest me what best option can I do here. I need my mother to be next to me where ever I am and that is my only vital aim.

amusedmolecule · Nov 27, 2015

Can you move with your mother until your delivery?

bhagya85 · Nov 27, 2015

Is your mom living in rented house now?If so who is paying the rent?Can she bear the rent expenses near your house?

SGBV · Nov 27, 2015

Are you working? Earning a decent salary?

Your financial independence is very important factor when you are in between cultural injustice. To break this norm, you should be at least independent. You can't expect someone else to support you to have some favor on your side, that too what seems to be against their norms.

If you are financially independent, then go ahead and bring your mom with you for now.
Tell your husband that you need your mom beside coz you are emotionally and physically needing her right now. Blame your pregnancy hormones, and sickness.

Once your mom is in, she can stay there till your baby grow 6 months, at least.

In the mean time, ensure your mom and H get close to each other. You must correctly play your cards to balance both of them in an harmonious way.

If your in laws have some other children to depend on, then you guys can extend financial assistance for them on your part. So that your mom could continue to stay with you.

Advocate for this idea. See whether in laws can live independently, somewhere close to your residence too. Basically if they are a couple, they should be able to manage alone.
But then, you should extend all the supports including financial to them properly.

Don't take big steps now. Take it as it comes.

Who knows, when the time comes for your mom to leave your place, you might consider become pregnant again. If not, at least your kid's attachment towards his grandma prevent her from leaving. Your H must anyway corporate with this arrangement for his child.

thashi · Nov 27, 2015

@amuse- My mother has asked about that to my husband and he has asked some time to send me... his wish is to send at the nearing month of seven or nine and to have my delivery at mom s place.

thashi · Nov 27, 2015

@bhagya: My mom stays with my grandparents now. and its not a rented home. she doesn't have any mean of earning. Its me who has been taking care of her even after my marriage.
I though had to face a lot s of NO's from my In laws in the starting for it. but I was able win over my words about taking care of my mom.

thashi · Nov 27, 2015

@SGBV: Hi, yes I am working and living a pretty independent life. Until this moment I have no been depended on me for me and as well my first kid (son) expense.
Since my marriage I have been dependently living my life and financially supporting my in laws too.

My husband will never accept sending this parents to live independently. he has built the home just as a final leisure place what a son can afford to his parents. I had lots of problems soon after my wedding. my FILs main intention was to use my husband s earnings for their luxury and a savings for my SIL. It all happens to be a story by itself. things have not changed completely yet. But, I have changed and learned to ignore those. I want to make my life with only the best things possible to keep me smiling truly.

My FIL is working privately and earns a fair amount. He is asking me to pay some part of my earnings to the home loan now. This is the major reason now that my husband is stopping me from spending on my mother.
Its turning out difficult for me to manage the expenses of myself , my son , my unborn child and my mother. along with this coping up with additional expense on home loan is what I cannot think about. Even now if everything goes fine as I have wished for , my plan will be to pledge my jewels and get my mom a rented house near by.

The harmony btwn my mother and my hubby was never fine since the beginning. Its all just because of a promise he broke up with us. He had promised me before wedding that he will take my mother with him post marriage and that's why I agreed to marry him but, things went worse after that.....every promises and dreams of mine were broken. Its been 6 yrs since my marriage now and I am living with it hoping everything will turn out good and best for me one day.

SGBV · Nov 27, 2015

My dear... Hugs to you.

It seems you have been bending over backward to whatever your husband and his family demands. Can't you stand straight and say NO to something unreasonable like this?
What is your biggest fear?

Ideally it should be both of you earning parents' responsibility to run the home and look after the kids. But in your case, it has all been done by you. Why?
Why can't your husband share his salary for the household expenses?
Is he earning?

The next time be bold. God helps for those who help themselves.

Take 1/2 of your salary to the family, and save the remaining in a FD.
Spend whatever the amount you wish on your mom, since you have never been able to spend on her. You have some duty too.
Tell your husband that you can't spend more than xxx amount, as you are sending money to your mom, and save the remaining for the future.
Ask him to share his salary, or cover up certain expenses from it.

Speak to him when he is cool. But he will surely make a huge fight for this. Expect this, and be prepared to face it.

Be strong and stick to your decision. If he continues to fight for it, then threaten to walk out of the home.

See.. You are an independent working lady. You have a kid. Don't underestimate your power.

Opt for temporary separation. Rent a house in your neighborhood, and bring your mom there. Live with her. Take your kids along with.

What your H and FIL do is not right. They can't force you to send money to their needs by compromising your own wishes.
Also, your H can't run away from his responsibilities.

As long as you put up with their crap, they will never change.
Compromising might seem easy now. But when you are overloaded, and fed up you would be lost one day. That day would be too late to change anything.

If your husband loves you and loves his kids, he would come back to you as a changed person. If not, there is no point of living with an unloving man forever.

Your financial independence is your biggest strength. Even your husband might not opt for separation for this matter.

divshiri87 · Nov 27, 2015

Sgbv is right.. why cant your husband spend some amount for you and kids? Isn't he working? How can your fil ask you to pay some amount towards home loan? I agree that you need to share some amount for your family.
You mom brought you up to this level and this is the time we should do something for her even though she never expects anything from you. How can your husband tell you not to send money to your mom when he knows there is noone to take care of her? I feel he is heartless.. Sorry to say this but i feel that way. He is taking care of his parents and asking you to not take care of your mom?
If i am in your situation, i would have reacted in other way. I cannot be so soft with the people like your husband or in-laws. He promised you before marriage that he will take care of your mom and now he is not standing on that. There cannot be one rule for his parents and other rule for your mom. Try to make your husband understand how much your mom is to you.
Sorry if my words hurt you.

thashi · Nov 27, 2015

@div and SGBV- I almost got tears reading your words.

My husband is a working guy and earns a good amount. But all these days he was giving all his share to his father to save it and to buy a land... that's what is the result now. its his own blood and sweat that he has got a land and constructed a home. We had to aid for loan having some savings in hands.

I did ask him once when my son was born to share some of the responsibilities. he did give a quick response but started counting on the expenses I did for my son. It was to such an extent that I was adviced not to spend a lot on diapers and limit my use and so with milk powders.
I really couldn't bare and got frustrated on such things and fought with him asking him to live in a separate life away from his parents just to understand how much both of our earnings are being spent upon. I just asked him to live separately for 3 yrs but he turned telling I am trying to rule as I am earning too and trying to separate out him from his parents. He strongly told he is ready to leave me and kids too but never his parents..
He believes that when a guy gets married to girl, the girl has to forget her family and live her husband and for his family. I got to know this from his own words and he accepted that and denied taking my mother with him. He also restricted me not to pay more than 3k for my mom s monthly expense. each penny of mine was counted.
I went to a state of leaving him but it was my mother who stopped it. She always says the pain she underwent without my dad in this society. And she adviced what ever may happen I must be with my husband.
And I also accept that there was an extreme unbounded love on my hubby which is still making me to be with him and believe things will go fine one day.

I will take this suggestion of both of you and will stand on my words. I will expect few bitter times but I feel confident from your words that I can make this happens... Thanks ladies