Is this appropriate?

sweetestshweta · Nov 17, 2015

Hi everyone..It's been some time that I posted here.I had left my job because of some accident and was recovering and giving full time to my family and DD..
A lot of positives have happened in last couple of months.My SIL came to help me and seriously,I was surprised to see her changed side.She has mellowed down a lot and is also keen on taking up a job.
I was maintaining cold relation and strict stand with her and my MIL.I think that has cut some ice with them.BIL and his family are abroad for a couple of years more.So they are out of scene.A lot of stuff happened meanwhile.
My MIL and SIL apologised to me for behaving erratic and being greedy.SIL said she was always pampered by her parents and after losing her DH she went under depression.Although she didn't have a very good relation with him. Managing kids and the feeling of competition with her brothers's wives and the facilities enjoyed by them made her more mad and she was not at peace.
But last one-two years,she could see we distancing ourselves from her and this made her realise that she is being so bad.She of late got very attached to my DD and has been taking care of her so well..
My MIL has seen these positive changes in our relationship and is happy and contended.She demands really less now.And has been very positive..So all in all,everything is going well and financially too,they have been behaving prudently..

The present issue-
I had left my job and now that I am ok,I want to start again.But the job I have zeroed down on right now is very demanding-I'll have to slog a lot.My DD has grown very fond of her bua and her kids.She is very sad when they aren't around and doesn't eat properly too..
Although I am a cautious person-once bitten twice shy!! But I have been noticing a lot of good things overall..
My DH came with an idea that maybe we can make them shift with us for a year on a trial basis.Before getting married,we had agreed on such a mechanism where she and her kids would move in with us but I refused once I saw their behaviour and nature.Since we bought some property last year and are having financial problems due to my illness and being unemployed,it will help monetarily where we don't have to run a separate house..
I am not a very negative person and I am appreciative of the changes they have shown.We have been doing all other duties for them till now but I was not willing to shift them with us.
The positives I can see in this are-cost cutting,my DD getting love and been taken care of in my absence,SIL's kids getting good environment at home,more security for them,MIL's insecurities going away,etc
Negatives- competitivenesss,jealousy,SIL might feel she is like a second citizen here(although I always take really good care of my guests and family members),Co sis totally chickening out of her responsibilities, a long lasting responsibility for us, loss of privacy for us..
My mom and brother's wife have supported this thing.No doubt it'll be very good for her kids but I have been hurt so many times by their earlier behaviour that I thought I'll take advice of you all here.
This is a temporary arrangement and DH says-he will ensure there are no issues and if I or they aren't comfortable,we can discontinue it.
Please suggest if this is a viable option and also what precautions we should take in case this thing materialises..
I am very happy and also really thankful to this forum.When I came here and shared my stuff,you all guided me.Today,whatever decision we take,I am much more happier and by God's grace,my family is also happy..
Thank you all and Lord bless..

coolgal123 · Nov 17, 2015

thats really good that your mil n sil regretted...but as par me living together can be really stressful for everybody....better live separate and maintain the harmony...

AprilLisa · Nov 17, 2015

that's really nice...
regarding moving together.....i would say....if they can be moved close by...where you can leave your kid while going to office....and pick her up while returning, would be good....that ways you will get help, MIL will be happy as she can visit her daughter whenever required....and your privacy will not be compromised...and a lot of conflicts can be avoided.....

yellowmango · Nov 17, 2015

Things are good. Don't take a chance. Distance keeps things healthy.

armummy · Nov 17, 2015

Hmm who is taking care of her childrennwhennshe came to help you, what happens to their move to a different city.

i see you situation like this , now you are in need hence you think moving her and her children with you is a good option . Will you be still ok if your SIL does not take up a job , do you expect her to take care of your home and child , for how long ?

what happens once your daughter starts school and you don't need her that much, can they still stay with you?
what happens if your SIL finds a job and is unable to take care if your child ?

over all I think moving them temporarily for childcare is a bad idea given your dynamics.

yellowmango · Nov 17, 2015

The cynic in me says....people don't change so easily and so fast without some reason.

coolgal123 · Nov 17, 2015

yellowmango said: ↑

The cynic in me says....people don't change so easily and so fast without some reason.
Click to expand...

her sil has every reason to show the change ....she is completely dependent on her brother....she cant let him go far from her....
if she had little sense than she will not repeat her behaviour....although there is always a possibility that she will be back to her original avatar....but as she accepted her fault and bad behaviour i feel she has genuine regret .....normally people just improve their behaviour a little but dont accept their mistakes....

Priya4oct · Nov 17, 2015

Agree with YM. Distance keep relationship healthier..specially with ILs.

Let's say if there is any issue come again between you and SIL/MIL, would your DH or you ask them to leave your house. I don't think this will be feasible so better maintain a distance. Get a flat for them near to your home and you can drop your kid their before going to office. Amount whatever you are planning for daycare, spend on them.

Visasri · Nov 17, 2015

Your SIL has now helped a lot, and you need more at this point. No harm, but imagine she puts her best, and at times there can be some misunderstandings in the long run. Yes, 12 months are long too. Your DH might take sides with them, coz they are helping you out, and it is the decision of your guys to bring them. You might get pissed off, and they can argue about the efforts they take, and you about yours.
Ask yourself if you are ready for losing some privacy. It would not look nice if they are asked to move out, coz you lose peace of mind in the long run. So, you should be ready to lose some privacy, money, and space at home. But in return you will be free from worries that your kid gets good food, care and secured place at home, which is you cannot get from other sources.
Weigh the pros and cons, and then make an apt decision

Samyugtha · Nov 17, 2015

I second YM. Distance keeps relationship healthier and better.

And having them for a year on a trial basis and if it does not work out sending them away sounds opportunistic. Not a good idea. It will only create more issues. It is better to deal with your child's care in a different way by employing full time maid . That will be easier on a trial basis. If it works well and good. If it doesn't also you will have alternate plans.