Excercising Precaution When on the other side of the fence

My brother got married recently. I somehow feel like an outsider now. When that house was being built, i spent a lot of time and effort into planning and designing my room. Its very private, has a big attached bathroom and a dressing room. It opens into a large balcony. My brother's room was a standard bedroom. My parents kept that room exactly the way I left it the day I got married. A month before my brother got married, i was "informed" that my room in being given to him. My things are all sitting in the store room in boxes. Im heartbroken. My SIL now also drives my scooty.

Its a big change for me, that no one seems to notice. I no longer feel like going there. But thats the way life probably is. Somedays i feel its fine, why keep the best room in the house locked and reserved for someone who visits for 2weeks once a year? Some days i feel they just replaced me with her. But i dont speak about this to my mom or anyone. I just keep quiet.

If she really takes my place in that house (that of a daughter), i will happily let go of everything. As long as they are all happy, no problems.

 

I was in your position several years ago. My SIL is several years younger to me. The day after their marriage, I couldn't stay in the house and just left for in-laws place. Yes, daughter is a guest from that day onwards. In my next visit, I could see my parents and my brother and SIL talking about some financial matters and I felt uncomfortable to even stay in the same room. I guess, that's how life is.

To make things better, these are the things I realized.
Buy her a good wedding gift. I refuse to take any gifts from her parent's side, which is more a custom or if I take I gift her something back. In short, don't expect anything monetary from brother after his marriage.
Don't plan on staying more than couple of weeks. People get tired of having guests for more than that and will lead to unnecessary complications.
When she comes to my place, I usually do most of the work. Don't expect her to do anything much.
It takes years to build a good relationship as long as we don't hurt them by saying something. I usually don't involve in any conversations with my mom regarding her. Sometimes when SIL's are several years younger or older, relationships are a little easier as you don't feel threatened by each other.

 

well right now I am not into your position but will be soon. my bro is 5 yr younger to me and unmarried.
coming to your questions:
1- As your parents are coming to pick you in the middle of night you should go directly to your parents home. two reasons for this.one it won't be gud to disturb your inlaws that late and second your parents are taking the pain if your in laws wanted you to come they would have came to take you and later you would have moved to your parents home.

2. its better you move your sarees. There can be problems or confusions on this issue. Now to keep it at inlaws place or to carry to us is your pick as per your requirement.

Congrats for your bro wedding

 

An outsider at PILs home and a guest at parents..why does it have to be that way?

@OP ..long term...much depends on whether ur brother and SIL plan to live with ur parents or not.
Short term..

Ur SIL is not even there yet ..why are u over analyzing this? Go to ur parents place if that is more convenient.

:bonk Seriously OP..unless u have a room full of sarees a couple of suitcases is not a big deal. If space indeed becomes an issue....then u can revisit this when u visit them next. Don't make major changes.

Many many years ago..a young to be bride then ...I was choking up because a few over enthusiastic aunties and uncles told me I was to be a guest at my dads home after my marriage. I am telling you now what my mother told me then.."You will always be my daughter ..this will always be your home ..ur sanctuary where you can be yourself. Nothing will ever change that..not ur marriage not ur brothers marriage." And to this day thats how it has been. When someone says home..its always ..appas home for me.
Dont attend ur brothers marriage with such a heavy heart. Cheer up girl..enjoy the wedding..go with an open mind. Best wishes !

 

Too much unnecessary thinking and taking things to extreme .

1)you are going to your brothers engagement , so you should go to your parents house
2) you can still keep your sarees with your mom just make sure you are not occupying the space in your would be sis in laws room , you can always keep suitcase in your moms room or any other room

dont over analyze and stop all your relations with your parents and brother , you are still a sister and a daughter . Just make sure you give respect to your SIL and follow live and let live policy and build relationship.


You do not want to SIL to open a thread here saying my SIL does not care about us and does not talk us and treats me like an unwanted person your intentions can be taken in a wrong way.

 

Once you are out(son or daughter) you should not expect parents to keep your place just as it is...unless your parents have a huge house with many rooms.Parents home is your home emotionally...not in terms of rooms or cupboard space .

Op...don't over think. Go to your parents place.Enjoy the wedding .
Accept the gift graciously and thank your sil,if possible her parents.When the time comes,you give her a gift too.

As for sarees....as long as you do not expect the sarees to be kept exacty where they are or in the main cupboard...it should not be a problem. If space is a problem,pack them nicely and keep in a suitcase and let your mother find a place for it .

...................................................
This is why I love nuclear families.
My parents house is their house. No one has rooms there...except them. All our stuff is stored or displayed all over.When we go there...mom decides and allots rooms and we stay there.

 

Don't feel insecure...they are still your parents, they are just entering into a new relation as PILs. You are always their daughter and will remain their daughter....I believe no one can replace some one's place in a relation....everyone is special and will have their special place always....relations becomes broader but are not replaced....

Now you have your own home after your marriage, same way let your would be SIL treat your parents / brother's place as her home...(may be your husband's sister also feeling the same way)

Instead of thinking about these things, try to think about how to build a good relation with your would be sil, also try to give suggestions to your mother (based on your experience with your MIL) to how to build a good relation with her DIL.

Coming to your questions: other ladies already suggested about this.

Good luck for your new role in life

 

Focus on making the new entrant feel comfortable rather than over-thinking. Go, enjoy and behave as family (rather than an outsider). Also, give priority to staying in your parents house as its occasion time there.

 

Agree. Short term, don't make any changes. Long term, things will change, especially if brother staying with parents or parents staying at brother's place. But that happens naturally as we get more involved with our own family. I have my own cupboard full of things at my parents place. That shouldn't be a big concern as long as they are not too tight on space. OP, don't overthink. Make her feel comfortable at your parent's home in the beginning. Feeling welcome and some privacy is all that a new bride wants.