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Inputs needed to make peace with the situation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by desichick123, Oct 10, 2015.

  1. desichick123

    desichick123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi folks!

    I had an ok relationship with my in laws for quite a while. Been few years since am married(love from a different state). After my brother in law's marriage(arranged) 3 years ago, I have noticed a deterioration in my relationship with pils. Reasons being comparison with co sister, cultural differences, I talk boldly, don't keep my head down etc. Not knowing their language fully also is a reason which made my co sister close to my pils. and I am not grudging her that. It's her life and home too after all.

    Recently we had to relocate because of dh's job. So my dh has this habit of face timing with his parents and showing our kid to them. I can see clearly that my pils favor bil and co sis and their kid more than ours. My dh can see it too but he says they are his parents and he does not mind being walked on over by them.

    I accept what he says. I am the one who is angry for the partiality doled out to us. Can people be really cruel and go to the extent of hating their son and grand kid just because they hate their dil?

    Please give me suggestions on how to make peace with this on going situation which am sure has no solution to? I want to turn a blind eye to these weekly superficial talks and be at peace with myself. As of now, am unable to control myself as my blood boils listening to them and end up fighting with dh after the call.

    Do help please!
     
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Blood is thicker than even wife sometimes. They are his parents and he will love them. Stay out of his love for them and you be cordial and polite.
     
  3. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    My MIL also treats the DIL's differently but when it comes to the grandchildren I feel she treats all of them equally.. I think your in laws r still resentful cos their son chose his mate without including them.. If it is that way, then whatever you do couldn't have changed their behaviour n you don't need to blame yourself for being bold or different. If it only related to your behaviour I don't think they would've taken it out on ur husband n children.. Since they r treating all of ul differently I think it relates more to their son than to you.. In that case I think you can continue to be yourself while being polite to them.. Ignore their comparisons n favouritism n be yourself.. They will take their time to make peace with the situation n ul can give them their time.. I think that's the reason ur husband is keeping quiet despite their favouritism..
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I doubt you love them dearly and want to be in their hearts.So why bother?
    You live separately...you build your life with husband and children.If they are partial..not much you can do.Just enjoy 'not being favorites' and the headache that comes with it.

    Who knows what your co sister is dealing with? She being from the same community may be favored but she probably is also expected to be the ideal dil and prove their choice right. It must not be easy being in her shoes.Nothing comes for free...specially with in laws.If she is getting the appreciation,she must be being made to work for it.

    As I see it...you got the better deal.You got to marry the man you wanted,get to have your own kingdom to run.

    Don't forget...if you don't get the praise,you are not expected to be the good dil either. If I were in your place,I would accept the runner up or also ran trophy and be happy with it.
     
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  5. rajakumaruma

    rajakumaruma Senior IL'ite

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    Well you happen to be from a different state and hence you think the partiality is.But others,like me, though belonging to the same state and all, are going through this. So dont feel dejected . This is normal(as far as inlaws are concerned).Even now after nearly 15 years of marriage, my children get second-hand treatment at my in-laws house. We can do nothing to make other people behave nicely, we can only show them what good behaviour means by example.There is no use quarrelling with your husband,he cannot do anything. But if they misbehave with your child,you can remind them that this is also your grandchild.There is nothing wrong in that.Also teach your child to respect them and dont prejudice against them .Children have better judgement than us,they will understand things eventually.Take care.
     
  6. twinklingstar

    twinklingstar Gold IL'ite

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    even i think that partiality should not bother u. u r staying differnet and that is biggest plus point for u. also when ur co sis want to live separately that time she will have tuff time to prove her so called good DIL label.
    just see good and plus points in ur court and be thankful for that.
    in life there are always plus and minus..give blind eyes to negatives and focus on positive to move further.
    without our consent no one can make us unhappy.
     
  7. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    don't listen to this conversations. say hi hello and get going. the more you listen the more angry you will get.
     
  8. desichick123

    desichick123 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all for your replies. I am going to have a positive approach to the problem and not let it reach my head. If I do get mad at times, will try to vacate the room and leave them be.
     
  9. desichick123

    desichick123 Silver IL'ite

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    Ladies,

    I do not speak to my in laws because of the partiality, not even a hi-hello from the past few months. But my pils expect me to just greet them when my dh's face timing them. I did not indulge them as their thought process is, if I talk to them, then I have accepted their mistakes and am ok with it. I just do not want to give them that gratification. But I feel guilty about it too. This feels like a catch-22 situation and am very worried whether to follow my heart or brain.

    Any inputs will be very much appreciated.
     
  10. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Be formal with them.Dont expect anything.
     

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