Feeling very sad today

Background : Arranged marriage - concieved immediately (not planned). Had hell of a time with inlaws. Sil was not married then. She and mil made my life miserable. MIL made excuses and made sure i didnt have a baby shower (Godh bharai). That thing still pricks me - when i see godh bharai pics of friends/family. Mil was also extremely controlling, manipulative and caused horrible fights in the early days of my marriage. DH and I are ok now, but cracks from early days didnt heal fully. I completely cut contacts with inlaws after one terrible fight. I also restricted access to my son. DH used to send his pics sometimes - thats it. DH and I used to go separate ways after landing in India even though both our parents are in the same city.

Sil got married recently and apparantly her inlaws are very nice people. I didnt attend her wedding
MIL has now suddenly turned very nice to me. I feel this is due to having to make excuses about me to her samdhis. inlaws are visiting us at the moment - first time (we moved to US and recently moved to London). All this to put up a good show in front of samdhis - no other reason. They didnt bother patch up until now - i cut contacts many many years ago. Also from day1 of their visit, they've been talking about them getting old, about plans when we return to india for good etc. . I fell pregnant a few days before they arrived. We told them after they came - they are going around telling people that they came to look after me. They are being nice to me (or id pack them off ) but doing nothing ppl would do for a preg woman. No cooking good stuff for me or anything. Not that i care, just mentioning so that you understand.

Am I being a total bakra without absolutely any choice?? So they harass me whenever they please but when they behave, im supposed to shut up and be nice, talk to them, give them access to my kids?? She said last times godh bharai mess was not intentional. Im 5 months pregnant now and she didnt bother to talk about Godh bharai this time yet (its done on 5th month in our family) ). To rub salt in my wounds, she was browsing through her relative's godh bharai pics IN FRONT OF ME!!

I just want to cry. I dont get much love and support from my own mum. Thats also perhaps one of the reasons why she does this to me. I hate her and I dont know why I have to see her face given that she is behaving now for her own reasons.

I dont know why im even starting this thread. i just cant stop crying.

 

Inlaws are leaving in 4 weeks. I just want them to.go.

DH is useless at planning and arranging things. He cant even give me a proper surprise.

Where is the whole point in taking so much stress and arranging a whole event on my own? Its more about the religious part for me. i have a full time job and a child to manage too.

i am pretty strong usually. But today, i cant stop feeling bad for myself. I think about everyone - my parents, my sister, brother - send them flowers, cards etc for th eir birthdays - no one does anything for me. I just live like an orphan. Even small favours (like posting some papers from delhi) they make a big deal out of it.

Everybody thinks i dont need any love or support because i am strong, dont cry or do emotional stuff.

 

my inlaws are totally shameless. They will happpily claim credit.