Attitude towards girl's parents

karanu · Sep 27, 2015

My ILs and my dad (mom no more) are visiting me at the same time now. I have been cooking breakfast and lunch for everyone since morning, went to grocery store and bought vegetables and other stuff, fed lunch to my 3 year old and was playing with her, while ILs took their afternoon nap post lunch. I was ready to take up all the work, just so the elders can get some rest.

I took some break in the afternoon after lunch. MIL made coffee for herself and FIL without even asking if my dad wants a cup of coffee. I felt so bad and angry. The non-chalance which they roam around really irritates me as though they are the bosses and we are their servants. Can't she even enquire my dad for a formality? And my FIL also didn't ask and they were happily sipping their coffee, sitting in the same room as my dad.

I then checked with my dad if he wants coffee and he said he will take later.

Respect the girl and the girl's parents too - something that the in-laws never want to do, irrespective of education, class etc.

It's just a rant, ladies....I want to get it out, didn't want to discuss with my DH as he would say his parents are very old (mid 60s is "very old" for them).

swt.charu · Sep 27, 2015

so cheap indeed ...

you ILs have just shown what bad humans they are ...

If I were you, I would make special things only for dad and give special treatment to him right in front of them...

I can never talk looking into their face ever again...its sooo damn disgusting..

guesshoo · Sep 27, 2015

Not complaining to husband was absolutely right. Your parents in law clearly are being cheap. However there is something you could do. Catch them while they are doing something sneaky like make coffee for themselves and sweetly say, mummy if I had known I would have asked for a cup too. Or next time could you please ask my dad? He does love his coffee.

Very sweetly and kindly make your explicit request. They can't deny it. Can they. Instead of expecting, tell them what to do. It always gets results.

coolgal123 · Sep 27, 2015

Op, ur pil were plainly cheap in this incident....no use of breaking ur head on this...they have shown their class....talking to these kind of people don't bring any result usually...
People who are having no respect for others and for themselves too, don't respect others wishes and requests also....u take extra care of ur dad...and tell him to not mind your in-laws behaviour ....tell him that ye log to aise hi hai ( this is their nature)....make him comfortable as much as possible and take care of him well....

guesshoo · Sep 27, 2015

Not complaining to husband was absolutely right. Your parents in law clearly are being cheap. However there is something you could do. Catch them while they are doing something sneaky like make coffee for themselves and sweetly say, mummy if I had known I would have asked for a cup too. Or next time could you please ask my dad? He does love his coffee.

Very sweetly and kindly make your explicit request. They can't deny it. Can they. Instead of expecting, tell them what to do. It always gets results.

yellowmango · Sep 27, 2015

Classless people.
Old age is supposed to make people wise...not cheap.
Give your dad a bear hug and the best coffee you can make.

chocogal26 · Sep 27, 2015

SO cheap behaviour...

MalStrom · Sep 27, 2015

Wow!
How rude to not only make coffee just for themselves but also sit and drink in front of your dad. If you had done this just for your dad it would have been the start of Worl War III. Your dad handled it very well.
Try to take your dad out with you on the pretext of errands so you can have some one-on-one time. And get the nicest coffee drink you can find for him. I don't know if there is Starbucks in India, but my parents love those Frappuchinos.

MalStrom · Sep 27, 2015

guesshoo said: ↑

Not complaining to husband was absolutely right. Your parents in law clearly are being cheap. However there is something you could do. Catch them while they are doing something sneaky like make coffee for themselves and sweetly say, mummy if I had known I would have asked for a cup too. Or next time could you please ask my dad? He does love his coffee.

Very sweetly and kindly make your explicit request. They can't deny it. Can they. Instead of expecting, tell them what to do. It always gets results.
Click to expand...

Great advice!
The only pitfall I see is if the in-laws go crying to OP's hubby that they are being made to work.

Rihana · Sep 27, 2015

karanu said: ↑

My ILs and my dad (mom no more) are visiting me at the same time now.

I took some break in the afternoon after lunch.

The non-chalance which they roam around really irritates me as though they are the bosses and we are their servants.

Respect the girl and the girl's parents too - something that the in-laws never want to do, irrespective of education, class etc.

It's just a rant, ladies....I want to get it out, didn't want to discuss with my DH as he would say his parents are very old (mid 60s is "very old" for them).
Click to expand...

OP, making and having coffee without asking someone also in the room, is bad. Your vent is understandable.

After you cool down a bit (and are relaxing with a nice cup of coffee ) try to add some perspective. In your mind only, since you are wisely not discussing with DH.

How many times have your in-laws and dad stayed in one place together... How long was this visit. Maybe it was the first time such a coffee making presented itself, and MIL out of habit asked only your FIL. Maybe, MIL has observed that your dad has coffee at certain times only.

I have seen it happen in settings where multiple generations and relatives/in-laws are staying together for a short time. Sometimes the women tend to only ask their own husband if he wants a tea or coffee. Seems weird.. hard to explain in words.. but I can recall the woman poking her head in the room and asking only her husband if he wants coffee, or bringing only him water.

If you were nearby, maybe MIL assumed you will ask your dad about coffee.

You are doing a lot of work, and have a young child, and did the grocery etc also, and no doubt must be tired, but tiredness due to housework often escapes the mind of observers. Even experienced observers. To expect a MIL to ask your father also for coffee, while you are on a much-needed 'break', is honestly, expecting too much in many families.

Your father not being asked for coffee, while others are happily sitting and sipping is bad, and he might have felt awkward too. But - having both sets of parents visiting at the same time... hardly ever this goes totally smoothly. When such slights occur, it is nicer to fix them then and there. Your dad casually asking, 'No coffee for me aa..' and starting to go to kitchen himself. Or you piping up, "I want coffee too..I am going to make some..." And then come back with some biscuit/snacks in one plate only, just for father if you are really pissed off.

To see such thing happen to one's parent or one's child hurts more than if it happens to oneself. Your hurt is understandable, but don't let it now stay in the mind and later burst out in collective form with other things.