is she mad or we too good....

katochsimi · Aug 31, 2015

Help me out to solve this….and please bear this lengthy post as for proper solution I have to provide all in details

My younger bro got married three years back it is arrange marriage ( but we strongly believe that it is love marriage and they cooked it to make it arrange thru matrimonial site).She from different state and we from other. The day she got married I alone was getting some wired feelings for her as I was observing her very closely. Few instances :

Before marriage only she knew bits and bits knowledge about our house and specially their room. She instructed him to shift sewing maching from their room to other. this was very shocking as hwo she knew that it is there and what she has to do with that..we still moved it after good fight with bro.

On their marriage day ( let me here tell you that as my parents are old enough and hence me and my hubby arrange almost 90% of marriage arrangement as it was in our city and they came here for marriage) I wanted her to finish with mehendi as time was less and she wanted to do refacial, as she already did last day, so we were having argument on this. She immedialtley called my bro and complain and he called me and scolded. I felt so bad and shock too.

After marriage, right on very first day after few hours she came home she started unpacking stuffs and arranging it in her room and moved all stuff related to my parents to different room. She also started opening all marriage gift and without bothering for anyones permission decorating her own room (here we belived that all house is hers so why only particular room she was so interested) shocking again.

Few month went well with all her fake smile and innocent face. I really don’t know when did things started changing but I guess after she joined as junior class teacher in some small school. She started going out and my mother gave/shared her sarees with her as she dint knew how to wear them and dint had much with her. My mom shared her petticoat and sarees. Her behaviour changed a lot and started showing attitude and avoiding house work in name of work. Still my mother helped her in job and she did b.ed also with help of my mother in house work.
After my delivery I went to my moms place for few days. I saw her true colors. She was giving back answeres to my mummy and as soon as my father or bro comes she changes her face to smiling and buttering all. I was shock but still thought as part of her personality. She also made my bro fight with me without any reason and he told me to go out of house..just after few days of my delivery.
To make short now all I must say that she is a big psycho …she has dual personality one with my bro and one behind him. And she is doing mental torture to my mom purposely. We really don’t know her motive for that. When we sister try to speak to my bro he fights with us and says that she is very sweet and understanding and never give back answeres to anyone…again shocking.
She got pregnant and was taking all benefit of it. She was resting whole day as resigned from her job and maids and mom was helping her in that. But still mom told her to do some work to help her and also to keep her moving as compelte rest not good. She during that whole pregnance period brian washed my bros mind and making all wrong stories against mom and dad (that they harras her).
Now the present scenario where I want you help and its ruinning our peace of mind and we all family going in mental trauma.
Last week:’
She was in last week of her pregnancy. My dad got paralysis attack (as she creates tension and drama every day and make my bro scold my parents) and at that moment also when I came rushing I saw her standing so cool and happy on one side …I was shock..
My hubby and bro and few neighbours took dad to hospital and I was at home to look after her..she went had dinner and then milk and went to sleep ( she dint offered me or my children anything to eat also) I was awaken and worried and she slept calmly at one side..when all came she quickly got up and sat to show that she was all the time worried to my bro. and dint asked single time how was he. And then went to sleep.
Next day when my mom came from hospital after whole night sitting there so that time also she made some drama and made by bro fight with her. I dotn think any normal lady will do that . when already so much tension is there why to make one. And she started crying and all and told that if anything happens to her she will not forgive my mom,. My mom was already in so much tension as my father was in ICU and still she made all that drama (she just thinks about herself) then same day she was also admitted as she herself cook stories and bother all and herself so her BP shooted.
I was alone at home cooking for all and taking care of my 10month old DD, one in this hospital and nother at that.
She delivered baby girl with much complication. As no one was at home to help and look after them in hospitals so we called her mom here. Omg I cannot tell since few days after her mom came all of us are going thru hell. My mom and aunt are doing cooking work and going to hospital as my dad is still there and under treatment and she and her mother are whole day in their room and just sitting. Her mom told in loud voice to my mom that she will not do any help in kitchen and will just sit with her DD. Her father has also come nad my mom has to cook for all. My bro is just watching and got sandwith in all.

Please ladies help me out, what should I do?? I cannot talk to my bro as we are not in talking terms as she made so many misunderstanding between us. My mother is going thru mental stress as she is stress for hubby and this attitude of mother daughter. Her mother not even coming down in ketchen to cook for her dd she want s my mother to cook and bring up for her daughter..is it normal should my mother give up her self respect just for sake of peace at home…if she did al then my bros wife will be happy that she won and made my mom work like slave…please tell me is she normal if not what should we do…please guys help me. Do you all also feel that she is mad…..

VaniVyas · Aug 31, 2015

If your parents are financially independent or if you can help them with a particular income for a particular period of time, then they should ask your brother to move out. Simple as that. Your mother is old and tired plus father is not well and needs utmost care. In this situation your Brother and SIL cannot accept them to be fed by your mother (with all what she and her family wants). Based on the current situation at your home, she should have ideally opted to go to her hometown for delivery.
Your mother needs to put her foot down and ask your brother to move out as a family since she cannot devote time to her grandchild owing to father’s health. In case the house is in your brother’s name, you can suggest your parents moving somewhere close to hospital or your place stating their health condition needs immediate attention. No one can blame your mother for not helping her grandchild since your fathers health is of equal priority. You mother may have to cook special meals for your father and in that case, it will be equally difficult to entertain the guests visiting home for seeing the child, her family members and even her needs for that matter.
This will mutually benefit your mother and SIL since they can devote full time and concentration on your father and new born respectively. This will free you from unnecessary tension and instead of worrying on her character you can focus on the happiness and well being of your parents.

katochsimi · Aug 31, 2015

thanks maam...i was so eagerly waiting for response....
ya they are financially independent and house is also on fathers name. what i sensed is that she want something to happen to my father so that it will come on my bros name and she will take it from him later.
becuase the tough time she and her mother giving to my mom no one will do that(girls parents..) i think they are dam sure that my bro will not stop them from doing all and hence they are so confident.
my mom is over emotional snd loves my bro a lot ...
SIl had csection and its just 6th day today still she came from top room down in kitchen to take her food and ditn allowed her mother to come down..and when my mom asked her why she came down so she so arrogantly scolded her and said please let me live my life and dont interfere.
can you imagine she dont even once asked about my fathers health...she is so mean and selfish just want to be happy by herself and rest all are so much in tension but she least bother about that....how sick of her...

Stressfull · Aug 31, 2015

Dear op,
Your sil is behaving inhumane, period. We cannot blame her for your father's paralysis. Stop analyising her. As of now your brother is turning blind eye, so you to take the responsibility of parents. Let your father's heath recover first. Then later ur mother can ask the young couple to move out. No arguments, no discussions ask them to move out or your parents had to move out.

Coming to your mother problem like entertaining guests and cooking, I think if your father health permits to eatoutside your mother can stay at hospital wholeday and they both can take canteen food. Another option if any relatives staying nearby hospital your mom can request them and she can make separate food. That's all I can think. Don't do any arguments with your brother or sil.

Your mother has develop thick skin. If you're brother asks why she staying at hospital not coming home. She should keep some ready made answers tactfully until your father health recover.she shouldn't point ur sil and her mother. All the issues can be dealt later when u father recovered.tc.
R

katochsimi · Aug 31, 2015

thanks stressfull ...actually my mom problem is she is too emotional and that is the reason SIL and her mother taking full advantage. she cannot do harm to anyone and that is what making me crazy. she is ruining her health and energy struglling with all this useless stuff. my main concern is my dad is coming back home tomorrow. if he sees all this then he is a loud person. he will shout as injustice happening to mom and her mother just sitting. it may affect his health more and we cannot put SIL out of house right now. as her baby is just 6 days.
i m shock to see that those ladies are neither cooking nor eating just becuase they dotn want to and decided not to cook. my mother still feels for baby adn cooks and keep.
my mother is paying all her responsiblities but should i tell her to keep calm . or should we all sister should cometogether and speak out. we all sisters are feeling that we should talk to her mom and SIL ...what do you feel
should we speak to her or not???

Stressfull · Aug 31, 2015

My answer would be no,
All this drama is not good when there is a new born and when your father is ill. How is your father's health now.yes I can understand you cannot send new mother out of home. Right now what Ican ssuggest is deal tactfully. See the option if your mother can talk to your brother. Explain him without pointing his wife and mil that your mother has to devote your ill father. So she cannot take Care of newborn and guests. Stress on this point.
Ask him either to keep a maid at home to take care of newborn and guests or ask him to send his wife to her mother's house. Sry to say this but newborn baby also may catch some infection with too many people at home and ill person. Ask your mother to stress this also.tc.

Shanvy · Aug 31, 2015

Something that the parents, the brother and the sil can handle will get full blown when you interfere.

do not micro analyse her every move and action. and try to think of permutations and combinations for all those actions..

did your mom give you cooked food when you had your delivery and in your hand?? maybe she expects the same treatment from your mother.. sometimes human mind works skewed..just like you do not want your mom to do so much, she does not want her mom to work.. both are looking at their individual mother's..

I know it is not right of your sil to put your mom through emotional stress but looks like your mom has been silent and accepting every behavior because of her blind love for her son. sometimes you need to be firm from the beginning..draw your lines, have your limits and limitations. otherwise sometimes give them a pin space, they take a foot space....

your brother is a new dad, your sil is a new mom.. so emotions should be high there too.. so let your mom do the talking without pointing any fingers..that she wants to take care of just her husband and she is feeling that she is not able to do justice to both grandchild nor her husband.

Sometimes, diplomatic handling of a very volatile situation a must...

katochsimi · Aug 31, 2015

Shanvy said: ↑

Something that the parents, the brother and the sil can handle will get full blown when you interfere.

do not micro analyse her every move and action. and try to think of permutations and combinations for all those actions..

did your mom give you cooked food when you had your delivery and in your hand??
no....i kept maid to cook and do my work. i was just name sake at their place. n when maid was not there i came down to take my food or my elder DD.
maybe she expects the same treatment from your mother.. but that time my father was not in hospital or there was not so much tnesion at our place
sometimes human mind works skewed..just like you do not want your mom to do so much, she does not want her mom to work.. both are looking at their individual mother's.. i would not allow that my mother sitting and someonle else serving my dad. i want my mother to work but till her capacity not more then that. her mother is young and healthy and can work..here its not prob of mothers...but ego of a sick lady

I know it is not right of your sil to put your mom through emotional stress but looks like your mom has been silent and accepting every behavior because of her blind love for her son. sometimes you need to be firm from the beginning..draw your lines, have your limits and limitations. otherwise sometimes give them a pin space, they take a foot space....

your brother is a new dad, your sil is a new mom.. so emotions should be high there too.. so let your mom do the talking without pointing any fingers..that she wants to take care of just her husband and she is feeling that she is not able to do justice to both grandchild nor her husband.

Sometimes, diplomatic handling of a very volatile situation a must...
Click to expand...

thanks maam...but let me also clear that since so many years we all were quite and this much high tide has come to our house...had we taken strict steps earlier would have kept things under control. and we sisters feel that if we dont speak now then it will be too late

superwoman09 · Aug 31, 2015

There are some people like that and their parents too cooperate in those antics. I am sure if I did anything near as to being impolite to my MIL or FIL my parents would have admonished me in front of everyone. Its their upbringing and their nature and no one can change that. Separating out and being detached is one way of solving things but unfortunately not everyone is able to do that. I think at this point in time there is nothing that can be done. Do whatever one can to help and leave the rest. Also ask the MIL to become emotionally detached and not react. Do whatever she can and leave the rest. Whatever she does she is going to be blamed. Let her do what she can for her grandchild. She must have asked her out of caring as to why she came down to take food but it is taken as interfering in their lives. When a new baby arrives there are a lot of raw nerves as everyone's schedule goes for a toss. There is a lot of excitement, sleepless nights plus stress of handling the changes. To add to it if there is any illness in the family then everyone is super stressed.

In one of my posts I had mentioned about a MIL facing similar issues. The drama there too is about the same as yours.

The DIL had a second child recently and her parents came over (to help). Dils mother stayed with the daughter in room the whole day on the pretext of taking care of baby and she clearly told that she would not help even in cooking for her daughter. The son and older child had been moved to another room in the house. The older child is scolded/shouted upon if the child comes in to take anything from her room, for example her clothes or toys or books that it is disturbing the baby. The newborn child is also not spared. Even the poor baby is taunted as the baby wakes up every hour sometimes to feed n other times poos n pees or simply play. The kind of language used is something that one does not even want a grownup to hear let aside kids. Sometimes I wonder how can parents say such things to their own kids.
The DIL could not even pick up the baby because of her health and required someone to give the baby in her hands. MIL did everything around the house, cooking, preparing snacks/food separately for the DIL (still after two months) as she wanted and also for the rest of the family and for the grandchild who goes to school. If any day maid did not come then she even did cleaning/mopping around the house without anyone even lifting a finger.

Because of overwork/stress the lady herself came down with a back problem(she had gotten it once before when doctors had advised her against doing any lifting heavy things or bending forward which she ignored). She was talking to me about the back problem that she was getting stressed out with work but she could not rest with so much going on at home. Finally due to the sudden sprain in her back as she lifted up a heavy dabba, she had to go to the doctor who recommended her bedrest.

On hearing this, the next day itself the DILs mother had to leave urgently as her other daughter was coming over to her house after 15 days, their house was unoccupied for long and she had to clean it(Real reason, she would have to do the housework for all). The DIL who was in bad health a day back who could not even lift her own child up started to do that too as well as get up and cook for herself and eat. Though she is not bothered to cook or care about the rest of the family including her husband and child. MIL still gets up and cooks for the rest of the family and also the DIL whatever she can even if on bedrest.

What I want to point out here is that the DIL could do things but she chose not to. If she was really not well she still would not have been able to get up but when she saw that she will not get things on time she started getting up and doing it.

Now to add to the drama DILs sister has come over to stay for a few days (wonder for what her mother went home then if the sister was going to stay here anyways) and I am dead sure the MIL will end up working for the DILs sister and her kid as well and ruining her health.

katochsimi · Aug 31, 2015

omg superwoman....so much of drama and stress they must be going thru..but this is what irritating is why in such cases husband has to go deaf and dumb .?? for what god has given them those senses if they dont have to use it on time??? sick of such people who chose to be silent when so much injustice is going around.
c here now i know that people dotn dare to fight for own relation what the f**** they will do for people around in society who no where relate to them...

anyways by everyones opinion i think that i should also keep mum..i wont speak and will just watch my mom working for all and i will just pray to god that he can do some justice to our home.