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When in-laws ignore the DIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Rihana, Aug 27, 2015.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    We read about DILs' hurt feelings when in-laws don't share family stuff with them, or when husband hides stuff about his family from wife and calls them from work, not home. Basically, they all treat the DIL like an outsider.

    DIL feels hurt, and we tell her that she should count her blessings that they are ignoring her, and she should enjoy the peace in life.

    Question - why do women not like being treated as outsiders? Men would simply shrug off such treatment from in-laws, but women take it to heart.
     
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  2. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    I think two reasons...

    1) DILs expected to make in-laws home her home and family so she is supposed to make her self an insider in her acts, so it hurts when same expectations are not applied, that is in-laws or DH does not consider her insider in certain matter when it is their turn to do so
    Son-in-laws do not have such obligation so they can shrug off
    2) WOmen are more sensitive by nature compared to man...but there are man who can get offended becuase they r sensitive by nature...my DH would feel offended

    would love to hear what others have to say,

    nice discussion
     
  3. Sandygal

    Sandygal New IL'ite

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    I think the main reason is that women are expected to become part of the in-law family, take on all the roles and responsibilities --- daughter in law, wife, mother, and take on all the troubles of the family. But when it comes time to make decisions, dils are expected to be just spectators. They are not asked for any input.
    Also, I have observed that even after giving 100%, dils are always reminded ( either openly or overtly) that they should not forget their place --- meaning that they have come from outside and should never forget that!
    Whereas men don't interact with their in- laws that much plus being a son in law they are almost always given respect and importance.
     
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  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Men who take the trouble and are emotionally vested do feel it, @rihana. My dh will
    not say anything but I can read it from his expression. It eventually comes out. "I wished your sis on Facebook sweetie pie, just like she did for my birthday". "I know it's none of my business what your parents do with your inheritance but I'm so worried for you. You are unemployed and in the event something happens to me, what will you do exactly? It will alleviate my worries a little if I know exactly what they discussed with you when you spoke about it last year". Very diplomatic but I know.
     
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  5. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Gender apart, some folks can take it easy, and break their head only for important things. Some folks break their head over every damn thing in life, and discuss and analyze and talk and talk and vent.
     
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Not true Ragini. You can't switch on and off emotionally and bond when needed and not bond when not needed. That is a very rare skill to have and I'm yet to meet someone who has perfected that art. People who take the time and effort to build relationships do feel it. When we try to not feel ignored the strategies we use are minimise contact, do only what is required or let the spouse do it, get emotionally disconnected so we don't feel hurt.
     
  7. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Laks , connecting with inlaws is a gradual process that happens over time and mutually. So if they dont wish to connect, then a DIL cannot force them to bond.
     
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  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I didn't deny it takes time. Wonder why then the DIL is expected to completely be in line with the policies, dress code regulations, respect rules etc from day 1. Shouldn't an adult woman have the right to bond slowly and get house broken gradually? Why then do people preach to treat your PILs just like your own parents? Shouldn't that bond form or not form over time depending on the convenience of the DIL and PILs?
     
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  9. Neha11

    Neha11 Senior IL'ite

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    According to me even if the in laws consider DIL an outsider ,the husband should try to make a bond with them and he should discuss family matters with her make her feel a part of his family.If the husbands want to keep family matters distant from his wife then there would be no bonding what so ever it does not matter how long ur married ,there will a lot of things which she will not be told and she will get to know about it from outsider.There will be no trust at all.
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Problem happens when the dil is expected to keep moving in and out through the revolving door when ever in laws want.
    If she is out...then don't expect her to be in in times of need or seva.
     
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