Trying to Forgive

satchitananda · Jul 23, 2015

Since there are a lot of women here in the same boat as me, I want to share some thoughts.

"You don't have to descend to her level. You behave nicely with her, she will realize some day and hopefully regret her past behaviour". Those used to be my mother's words when she was alive. My dad said pretty much the same thing.

"Amma and Appa would not approve of your behaviour" the older sib reminded me last year when I was venting about the mil and her behaviour and made clear that I was going to be passive aggressive as a tit for tat.

Yesterday was mom's 1st death anniversary. The mil was here, but did not know or did not care to ask. I went off to avoid her and to be with cousins instead of spending the day by myself. Went to the temple in the evening and returned late.

"Where were you? You did not even come home for lunch", she asked. Just said I was visiting cousins. Then helped myself to some stuff from the frig. She normally insists on waiting for her son to eat, so did not ask her yesterday. All the anger of the way she had behaved with my mom (and my entire family) through her illness and last days remain. Am unable to forgive or forget no matter how hard I try. I think I have managed to forget to some extent, when something or the other happens to remind me and make my blood boil. Was eating my cold dinner when she came and asked "Shall I warm up some food for you"? "No thanks" I replied. To say I was surprised would be an understatement.

Of late she is behaving much better with me. (Not to say she has turned into an angel, but then 'better' is a relative term). Say it is the skeptic in me - but it leaves me wondering what the hidden agenda is (something that happened early last year just a few months before mom died justifies my doubt). Is it the effect of growing older? Is she losing her mind? Is she genuinely changing for the better? I don't know what to make of it. Especially in the light of the fact that she gave me all the smashed and half eaten (by birds) raw mangoes from her garden the other day telling me her maid refused to take them! :spin

This morning as I was making myself a cup of coffee, I suddenly wondered if my mom had manifested herself through her last night asking if she should warm the food for me. Am I losing my mind as well?

Earlier I did not want to be nice to her, so what if my parents thought it was 'descending' to her level. This morning, however, the thought crossed my mind: whatever be the reason, could I allow myself to descend to a low level when she was being decent - agenda or no agenda (only time will tell)?

Times change, people change. All I can hope and pray for is that the change I am witnessing is genuine. Aren't we all on a journey? May be she is progressing on her's. I need to progress where forgiveness is concerned - and yes, I have miles to go down that road. God help me in that journey.

Stressfull · Jul 23, 2015

Hi satchi mam,

how are you, after a long time you are posting in inlaws forum.

coming to your post only your coinscience and time will decide whether your mil really changed or not. looks like already you distanced emotionally with her. Be like that. past is past you cannot change it. But welcome future with an open mind.

just my 2cents.

sangeethakripa · Jul 23, 2015

Dear Satch

A very thought provoking write up. We all (almost) witness this phase of yours. Unfortunately MIL's forgets to realize this change could have happened earlier for good. Or is this way things are getting matured from both the ends?

Your parents have manifested within you the goodness earlier and now your mom has taken it to your MIL. .. Keep sharing such good to know information. It's a ray of light.

katochsimi · Jul 23, 2015

hi dear,

ya i must say max of us are sailing on same boat. when it comes to me..my MIL has done what not with me during my two preg period and i m sick of her now. she (in fact they both my MIL n FIL are same) behave very nice sometimes and i can never guess what will bother them and they will turn Villon:bang

when i really had very tuff time and the period i was going thru was making me mad, luckily i came across a spiritual magazine where it mentioned " forget and forgive the person who has troubled you. but dont keep any relation with them if you feel they are using you or will trouble you in future". this was an eye opener for me.
i left their place( i have very diff set of problems) and have forgiven them and never think of them and havign peaceful life.

in your case you have to stay with them. but what i suggest is that just forgive her. might be your mother and your MIL have some karma game of previous birth which forcing or made your MIL to behave so with her. you be calm and dont ruin your life thinking past. yes of course dont fly also when your MIL behaves good. just think what makes you happy and be happy. our thinking develops our mood and day and i think it is useless to give your mind and heart to people who dont deserve them... leave her alone

all the best dear and have happy and cheerful life!!

coolgal123 · Jul 23, 2015

Abusers abuses the victim....victim after sometime revolt n try to create n maintain boundary....abuser realize tht she is loosing the control on victim....so abuser try to win the victim back by showing some gud n changed behaviour....
victim relaxes the boundary abuser try to take control again...called as abuse cycle....
forgivance shuld come frm heart n naturally....
do i want revenge frm my mil...answer is no....i want justice ...answer is yes...i deny to forgive her....thought of forgivance troubles me....i try to forget ....answer is yes....
u can forgive only when things are buried in the past meand either the person is no more in ur life or changed her behaviour by realizing the mistake....only then forgivance makes sense to me....

yellowmango · Jul 23, 2015

Hugs Satchi ....you are a kind soul.
Call it progressing or just the normal mil cycle.
They abuse when they are powerful .Then they see their power over the victim diminishing.Soon they grow older and worried because they know how they behaved earlier.Whether a worry about old age or the after life, the change creeps in slowly.

Forgive if it helps you. They don't deserve it though.

Iamagoodgirl · Jul 23, 2015

Learn mirroring technique.W@hen people are nice to you be nice to them,if they arent dont be.Just mirror them.

guesshoo · Jul 23, 2015

Dearest Satchi, tight hugs to you.

i like what you have said about you being nice to her when she is being decent regardless of whether there is a hidden agenda... That is all we can really do; isn't it? We can't categorically say, in any relationship, for that matter, that there is no hidden agenda. (Sweet as my preschooler is, she quite does remind me of cunningness in the world with her semi-hidden agendas!) all we can do is the right thing which fits in with our code of ethics. While at the same time being watchful. Like a hawk.

The former is for us to be at peace with ourselves and the latter is self protection, I guess.

take care, my respected friend.

jskls · Jul 23, 2015

Sorry Satchi... I am in the same boat as you. still a long way to go for forgiving and hopefully I will be there one day. I should learn to forgive not for them but for my own self as I am too tired of carrying the burden of their hurt. They might change; they might not but I don't expect anything from them. still learning to let go.

sunshine1970 · Jul 23, 2015

Hi Satchi I loved what you wrote. This same thing has been happening to me, as we as DIL emotionally distance ourselves and put our boundaries up, IL try to be nicer to show outside world such as DH and other children that they are being nice and you are not trying. I have gone through these cycles and I know they are nice when the want me to drop my guard and silly me always did cause I wanted their love and approval. Fast forward to now, I could care less if they are nice or mean, my behaviour does not change. I am polite kind and that's it. My inside code of ethics does not allow me to completely cut them out of my life and be mean, if I try to do that I can't sleep at night. So I am k ind and polite and that's it. My DH agrees with my behaviour. I think for a person to be truly changed they need to exhibit the behaviour for an entire year at minimum, then you can say yeah they changed, my IL will only be kind for max two weeks then back to normal. You are the best judge, and sometimes the boat has already sailed , as in my case, where they can be sweet as pie and it won't affect me.