Living with In-Laws

Sometimes the audience might want to see your "specific situation" described. That would usually tweak out some responses, and comments from others. There is some danger of the topic falling off the rails, but then, you can pull it back when it does.
Go on, and describe exactly how long you have lived with in-laws in a joint family, and what was your situation that was difficult/easy/fun/different to get used to.

 

Every fish has to swim, other ones teach it a technique or not. Every bird has to fly and every girl who's married has to live and deal with in laws. Neither you nor we know what your and your in law's attitudes and perspectives are today and how things will be later. What can anyone share?
And like I mentioned each to his own. This is no maths exam to see past papers and go prepared. Stop thinking so much, enjoy this phase and every challenge and joy life has in store for you

 

What are you scared of?
You feel you need to please your MiL more as she is accepting a love marriage with little resistance so maybe she ll take advantage of the situation n try to dominate you?
I havent lived with PILs but with my younger BiL.. I had no problem as both my H n BiL understood I am not a domestic goddess n picked up the slack.
I stayed with in laws after delivery for a few months
My PiL have a full time maid n my MiL is very understanding.. They know that I dont cook NV and so my BiL cooks/sends over for my H n D.. She makes sure I am not inconvenienced when they cook back home also.. But I never had her help in taking care of my D..She sometimes says things to my mom like I dont call enough but I tell mom to say something appropriate n leave it there. I also tell them to have a formal conversation..
Remember to keep things formal.. Share the work, no need to bend over backwards but if kindness is shown,reciprocate it. Dont claim her son all at once, once she realises you are not a threat to her relation with son, your H is yours..
I am suggesting a 'adjust n live' situation.. I entered with an open mind and learnt to act accordingly, you also should..

 

I suggest you don't do this to yourself! There are all sorts of mils and dils and in every case the dynamics are different.

I'd just like to state a few of my learnings which I wish I'd known earlier.

- The most important lesson i would say is to start as you mean to go on. Don't bend over backwards and be someone you arent for the great DIL medal. The medal doesn't exist.

- if you think you are doing something impinging on your rights as an individual as an exception, say so beforehand. (I really dislike wearing all this heavy jewellery but I'll do it jusy today since you wish it, mummy)

- Make sure your self esteem is intact; at the same time, be polite and respectful.

- draw firm boundaries pleasantly. (No! It's old fashioned to wear in the hair to go to work. Not to MNC! Perhaps I'd wear some when we go to the temple)

- if you need somethig ask. Especially help.

- communicate directly. Don't expect your husband to stand up for you. Don't complain to your husband. Deal with stuff yourself fairly and pleasantly.

- Just in case they get all stroppy, don't get defensive and justify yourself. Just state that everyone needs to calm down before talking further and leave the room. Then be normal. Don't let thigs escalate with she did this, she said that.

- figure out with your husband exactly how finances are going to be dealt with even if you aren't working. Make sure your husband has communicated this to his folks. Don't be apologetic if your husband gets upset to talk about it - finances are a major factor to a happy married life - talking about finances doesn't imply you don't trust him or his family - refusal to discuss this with you though would indicate they don't trust you...

 

I have stayed on and off with my in-laws. As we stay in US until 2016 they use to come for every 3 or 4 months with distributed timeshare with my SIL and other relatives in US. During initial phases they were spending more time with us trying to settle us down with my new married life and setting up of the house. It was tough during those few months but that helped us know and set boundaries for our relationship.

By end of 2016 we decided to file their GC so in all this the longest period i stayed with them (9 months) which again redefined the boundaries.

In all this transition my DH was the biggest sanity saver and my rock. Je handled some issues between my MIL and me so well without putting relationship to test.

All in all I can say I have a positive experience with my in-laws and liked they were here when we actually needed them the most. Also, the feedback my MIL and FIL gave before they left was bittersweet.

 

1. Like guesshoo mentioned, Good DIL MEDAL NEVER EXISTS. so do not strive for it. Be yourself

2. If In Laws are mean, manipulative, down right dishonest etc etc- know that it is their JOB DESCRIPTION. Do not let it affect your role. and try not to take it personally.

3. Never ever criticize in laws verbally infront of husband. It never goes well. Even if husband knows who is wrong, he tends to not like wife for being direct with his folks

4. There is always another day- definitely tomorrow. So do not let today bog you down and do let tomorrow worry your today. You are important, your time is important. Share it wisely.

5. When there is too much heat in the house, try to leave the place. Breath, smile and do what you like to do. Stressful situations can be worked on, stressful people - not so much

6. And for those stressful toxic people, choosing to go safe distance always helps.

7. Also, never cry in front of troubling in laws. They feed on our fear and weak emotions. always ask yourself, will this situation matter in next 2 years? or when they are not around?

8. Have your me time and strictly have your DH time. Even when you are not in the mood, try to be with husband. at times, just being with each other helps. It is the most needed especially when in laws are difficult.

 

I also live in the US, and my in-laws come and live with us every year, so 2-3 months at a time. Those months are tough because I'm such a private person who doesn't really like constant company. The first month is usually the easiest, where I try to implement a sort of schedule for myself, to take care of their needs, as well as my son's. During this time, I do take them out for outings and buy them stuff to eat and all. Its around the 2nd month that I ask for moments of personal time, to drive out by myself or do shopping by myself, which helps me reframe myself to take care of them. Luckily, my in-laws are sweet, so I don't get in many fights or misunderstandings with them.

I think the most important thing is to make sure they aren't feeling alienated in their son's home, so I stay polite and let them help out with whatever they want. I only draw the line at letting them help us buy things for the house, like furniture and appliances, because it would definitely cause some contention due to different tastes and needs.

Household cleaning tasks do become challenging at these times, because I like keeping the place tidy and presentable at all times, which is difficult to do with long-term guests. I think that's another point where my patience is tested. I think I should hire help next time they come.