My life is clueless

I really don't know where to stArt about my life I think I have done bad (bad is small word )last birth I suffered like anything in this life .I was never hAppy from the day I was born Iam 33 years now and I cannot wait to finish off my life .I can never forgive my parents especially my mother for ill treating me like hell she has put me through hell amount of abuse and all the bad memories are still so vivid within in ( she has hit me so many times ,put hot rod on me ,because I was a very bad eater she used to pour cooked rice on my head ) my parents delegated their responsibilities to other relatives who made my life hell like bullying me ,taunting me ,criticizing me ,teasing me and isolating me .I can relate my childhood to a autistic child who had hell amount of trouble socializing with other kids ,with severe communication problems ,and i was not smart compared to my peers of my age all my friends were matured of their age and survived in school .I can even forgive the physical abusive of my mom but few things she did durinh my teen and college years even after I die I cannot forget.I was ill treated by everyone and put down by everyone rite from child hood till my adult life.

About my father and my sibling I have to make a seperate post all together .If you Tamil guys have seen varumai nerai segappu he is like sridevis father and that manal kayiru visu .I have no words to explain about my dads character he was successfully put down ,abused ,Ill treated to the core we can ever imagine by my mom bro and my moms relatives ,he didn't act like a man of family but was a scared cowherd with skin disease no good job and the way my mom has put down my father in front of people has give haunting memories which is very difficult for me to forget .after a point my father became dead scared of my mother and used to get severe scoldings from her and insults like anything all these growing up gave me lot of scars even i started abusing my father in bad words .All these growing up gave me lot of scars.My brother was a mixed version of my mother and father he was selfish I never got along with him my mother has put down me brother and father so so so low in front of all relatives that they have insulted us to death .My brother slowly became a hysteric psycho throwing things and screaming .I was never let alone at my home I used to be only with grand mom ,uncles ,aunts ,cousins who mocked teased and took me for a guilt trip for making my mom like that (they were all not awRe of the criminal activities she was doing ).Let me put everything in a nutshell because of the abuse in nuclear family I became very free outside I trusted everyone I was a people pleaser I craved for the love I wanted everyone to like me and some were taken advantage of me I never had real friends .With lot of struggles finished my PG even then I was smiling people pleasing trusting and wanted to be attractive to guys and wanted giys to fall for me (thanks to my cousins who brainwashed me to only dress up for guys to look at you )one guy took dirty advantage of me though I wanted only his friendship.

About my Working life struggles never left me I struggled like anything in corporate went through hell amount of politics and met lot of crooks infact I don't want to mention name of the bank stayed away from home town was staying in hostel and working my effort was not recognized and i was criticize and put down left that job and came to an other job (most unforgettable and unfortunate event that happened )because of my past I was putting in all work without any self respect and self esteem .Tjere was one guy who manipulated me to hell and took advantage of me and was very dirty friendship I didn't realise it then he spoiled my name in front of his wife and my parents and was a hindrance and manipulating and brain washing when my parents were looking alliance for me .Because of that I thought all mistakes was in my side since from childhood I was brought like that I was agreeing to what ever he was telling he abused me .because of that I started several suicide attempts but everything was in vain then i went to a psychiatrist who did stimulation and gave me medicines and helped me .My relatives were rejoicing and all the more enjoyed gossiping about me .and my brother still blames me for the rocky relationship between him and his wife and drama happened before my marriage his Sister in law marriage happened at same time but was smooth unlike mine and my mom behaved very dirtily on the first temple trip after his marriage and he holds grudge on me for that and said because of their curse my marriage was gettinh delayed and went through struggles (infact he cried out and send all this thanks to mom I can never forgive her )

finally after lot of struggles I got married but looks like happiness is not destined to me even now from the day I got marriage my mil Bil co sister has been so indifferent to me .My DH lost his job after we got married and came to US my co sister was telling so many things about my husband to me my husband is like this like that he is lazy he is lethargic he is dependent on his brother he is bad and she and her husband wanted us leave India immediatelu but we didn't listen to me after lot of struggles we stayed here .from them on there behaviour is different their insults ,taunting ,manipulation ,gossips Iam tired of it .Iam in deep depression because of them can't believe they had so much vengeance on my DH and it all came after my martiage.even my DH is sort of lonely though his past is not as bad as mine but he has a selfish family who doesent care about him a very selfish and manipulative brother and mother who puts him infront of all and praises and raises others and even now Iam tired of their behaviour and how they have hurt me.My parents and brother doesent care Iam going trough hell with them and like I said my dad is very meek and non existing/bending down to them behaviour and my mothers bi polar behaviour and my relatives bypassing my family and inviting my inlaws to the functions and making my dad as a servang to bring them to functions ,all these made my mother in law made my mil even more bad and is sitting on me and my husbands head where as my other co sisters family they are very stern and protective of their daughters .

Now Iam pregnant with my second one and I have no interest in bringinh anyone but mil is putting pressure and telling she will come to help me but I don't have trust in her as anytime she will leave to my brother in laws house and my husband has to bear the ticket expense my husband will be very obliging to them but to me he will whine about expenses .She knows me and my husband doesent know to fight she happily manipulates us if I bring my mom I crazy fight with her sometime bad memories flash before me and the whole house gets devastating i start hitting myself and she starts hitting on her head I have a older kid to look after to .

now please suggest whom should I bring for delivery and pray for a smooth experience for me .Iam tired of human beings in my life because my DH doesent care show love affection care to me he treats me like **** because of my past .Except God and two kids I have none .iam praying to all gods please suggest which God to pray to protect from enemies manipulation and bad people and get rid of bad memories .Extremely sorry for the long post .

 

Thank you for your support because of my past I became very passive meek and sensitive how ever bad person tease or put me down Iam unable to give them back verbally .Even in US my husband used to put pressure that I need to socialise because of that I used to do what ever I could to retain people in my life and even if they hurt my feelings I would fee bad inside but Iam unable to give them back .how do I get over it ?

 

Thank you so much for your words it strengthens me .MIL is putting lot of pressure to come here if my mother doesent come and she is making a drama infront of everyone which is very disturbing .Thank you again .

 

Thank you so much for your supportive words .I don't know how to take control and how to keep boundaries that is my problem and the reason people take advantage of me .