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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SukanyaB, Jul 2, 2015.

  1. SukanyaB

    SukanyaB Senior IL'ite

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    Hello ladies.
    Just wanted to ask you guys something. But I need to give some background 1st.
    Ours is a love marriage. Hubby is Punjabi, I am Bengali. Prior to marriage hubby told me all about his family situation. That they are not financially stable, and that other than himself, none in his family is well educated. He mentioned about education because I come from a highly educated family and of course I appreciated his concern about his family's and my thoughts not matching. But he also mentioned that he being the only son amongst 3 children how his parents solely listen to him and how he is responsible to pay off his parents debts etc etc. I didn't have any problem with all these because we had a very strong relationship and I don't mind a child helping his parents. (Makes it easier for me to look after my side of family.
    So we got married and I moved overseas with him. Had hardly any chance to leave with in-laws. Only 15 days after wedding and it was all very nice with festivities etc.
    Once I joined my husband overseas I got a job immediately and I could see that my hubby was sending money every month to his parents for monthly expenses, and to pay off the debt his parents took for his education and also for the house his parents bought in Delhi. I didn't have financial liabilities so offered to help hubby with part of my salary too. All fine there, good relationship with in-laws so far. Then they organised 1st SIL's marriage, and again hubby had to pay off all the debt they took for the purpose. I helped too.
    Then once everything was paid for MIL talked hubby around to get herself, FIL and younger SIL over here with us permanently as FIL doesn't earn that much etc etc. Okay. Didnt like that but couldn't stop hubby. He is very lovely and always said it will be fine. Trusted him. In the meantime, while their PR was in process, married SIL had issues at her home and came to stay with MIL with her son for 5 months and hubby had to bear the extra expenses too. They were talking with lawyers etc and hubby had to organise every thing from here via phone. In laws not capable of doing anything without him! Anyways, that issue is over and SIL back at her home now. But to mention MIL got hubby to try hard to get SIL here with us too, but things were declined as she is married, has kid and needs hubby's permission and her hubby won't etcetc.
    Fast forward a few years. His family's PR done and the 3 of us stay with us here at our place. I need to mention here that I got my sister to come and stay and study here as well. If 3 from his side can stay at our place then surely 1 from my side can.
    When we were buying a house we kept in mind the amount of people staying with us and both a large house, larger mortgage indeed!
    Then the things started.
    I'm at work all day.
    MIL will treat my house as her own and reorganise kitchen, try make her own rules of running the house, decide menus and cook, clean up her own way etc. And she made a grumpy face when I don't adhere to her ways and get things done in my way. She is so manipulative, always emotionally blackmailing my husband to get the minorest thing done, like drop them to the Mandir, grocery shop a block away( come on, walk. If not then don't go.)there's a list of things she does that is so annoying but I have to write a different post as it's getting too long here. But the thing is we don't have any communication as nothing we have in common to talk about. Sometimes we will just watch some serial etc. but she is so stubborn, so get anything done I have to get my husband to tell her, otherwise she would not do it my way. Even things like which dustbin to use for what type of waste. She thinks I'm a moron and know nothing about running a house. Once itold her that I run the house fine for 6 years before she moved in with us. She didn't like it. Also because we had so much financial liabilities we didn't want to have a baby until things settled. They were constantly taunting me because I was not getting pregnant.SIL had his son within a year of marriage and I was always being compared.I always told them that it was their sons choice not to have a baby and they can talk to him and not bother me. They never asked my husband.I have a 4 month old son now. But OMG, MIL and SIL went to India on a holiday when I was pregnant 5 months and only came back 3 days before delivery. Weren't they supposed to take care of me then? Specially when how she keeps on doing everything to show off how much she cares for her family? No, I cooked for my FIL all throughout as he "eats only fresh, no leftovers ". Thank Goodness my hubby is so understanding, he helped me jn every possible wat on house work and looked after me very well. It was handy to have my sister with me too. I still ended up being in hospital 2 weeks before delivery due to fatigue and complications, and FIL only visited me once in those 2 weeks. When son is born they are all here as he is their family, but I am treated as an outsider.
    When I came home she made a fuss about how I should give son formula not breastmilk as then she can feed him too. I stood my ground and did what was best for my baby.
    I am just too frustrated with everything and this at this moment as she wants to run my life in every way. I'm picking my battles as I feel it's great that she does the house work now that I can't as I am looking after baby full time. But I hate that she talks to SIL in India about every minute details about my house, will take away baby from my lap when he is playing with me and in good mood to Skype with SIL or other relatives, without even asking me. My baby not hers!!!
    She will emotionally manipulate hubby to do everything for them, drop them every where they want to go, buy stuff for them, they can't speak English so they are dependent on every way on my husband. They don't ask me for any help which I guess is good, but they don't talk to me about anything too. My husband tells me about whatever conversation he has with his parents etc.
    I'm so annoyed with this situation at home, but I keep quiet because hubby is so loving, taking care of me with absolute devotion, always wants to take me out (which I have to decline sometimes now since not comfortable to breastfeed in public!) and showering me with gifts.
    On top of all these,younger SIL went ahead and court married a guy here, a relationship my husband an I didn't approve of as the guy had rape charges against him. Now we both don't talk to her and she doesn't try to talk to us either even though she is at fault. MIL is still supporting her and keeps taunting me as if I am stopping my husband to talk to his sister. I have told her to ask her daughter to go apologise to her brother first, and that she will not ask her as "betiya to do din k mehmaan hote hain".
    On top she is planning an extravagant wedding in India for her to send her off socially as Sil id still staying with us.
    Not sure where my life is leading to!
     
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  2. Udasgirl

    Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    How did you manage to get all ur in laws crew to NZ on PR ??? Is it that easy to get PR for parents and sibling in NZ ??? Didn't know that

    You knew the whole situation that you have to support in laws in some or other way forever before you got married.. so may be you should have told ur hubby that time that u r ok for him to take financial responsibility of his parents and family but you want to stay separate from them... Its not easy to live abroad in joint family as we don't get much domestic help abroad...
    Your problems with in laws seems to be not too many but mainly revolving around MIL. Did you ever have direct fight with MIL ? Does your hubby knows about the problems u r facing with MIL ? If yes what is his take on it ?
     
  3. Udasgirl

    Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    If your MIL doing all cooking cleaning etc then let her do the things her own way.. but if you do it, you don't have to listen her..

    When she was blaming you for not getting pregnant you should have said " yes I wanted a child as well but what to do we had so many responsibilities, we paid ur loans, got SIL married, have to bear all expenses of you people etc etc so have to wait untill we have decent savings.... I wish if I did not have all these constraints, I would have got baby sooner" then just sulk ...

    Your MIL and SIL though not educated are smart enough to escape the extra work they have to do when you were preggo .. you should have been smart enough too by not doing any house work when u were pregnant on account of nausea etc and let ur hubby handle it whichever way he wants to (he might have cooked fresh food for his father or got take away)..

    Now that you have baby there are chances that ur MIL might start snatching him from you (considering her nature) so better you talk to ur husband about how you feel and see what his take on it
     
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  4. Udasgirl

    Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Your SIL married stupid guy against ur and hubby's wish and still staying with you ?? why ?? what non sense
    you should have clearly tell ur hubby that you don't like it.. if she married without ur wish she should go and stay with her hubby separately
    and don't ever ask ur hubby to forgive SIL if she apologies etc... Tell him that as SIL married against their wish you will not like to throw lavish party etc back home for her marriage at all and if he does that you will be disppointed...

    They are taking undue advantage of you and ur hubby because you don't say anything to them... Make ur stand clear to them
     
  5. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, i think you did everything right given the circumstances. Hope you DH has also realized that all his hard work is not getting appreciated. Now that you have your son, you both need to focus on your family and save money. Make sure that you open savings account in the name of the son and invest in paying off the mortgage. This way there will be less money for your DH to spend on his family. If MIL is taking care of the house - cooking, cleaning, let her do that. You do it your way. If she complains, just plainly say, 'I like it this way'. Don't get into long discussions or arguments. Don't listen to her nonsense comments about using formula, just say, doc said no. One thing make sure that the SIL doesn't move in to your house with her husband.
     
  6. SukanyaB

    SukanyaB Senior IL'ite

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    Hello @udasgirl and @akansha1982
    Thanks for your response.
    We got their PR in Family Category, NZ immigration has stopped that category now.
    I'm still okay for us to somewhat help them financially, but now that our son is here, and we have a big mortgage, I want to puthese in our number one priority instead of Rakhee or Diwali gifts!
    Not sure if MIL understands.
    She is a very cheeky lady and we have never had a head on collision but we are constantly passing sly and clever comments to each other. My husband knows of this, and supports me too, but he is such a decent guy. He will never back off his duty. He tells me if I have to get something done my way just tell him, and he will sort it. And he is right. I tell my MIL that doc has advised to give baby tummy time, she will say that she raised 3 kids and she knows that babies hurt themselves if given tummy time. Same thing, I get my hubby to tell her, and she is like, "o my baby will have tummy time na, doc uncle has said! My baby will have strong neck then." And turn baby herself!!! Like what!!!! See. For every little day to day things I have to go via my husband to get things done my way.
    And then she keeps on referring to this house as his sons house, and money spent on house as her sons money. Never mentions once that I am equally educated as her son, work in the same workplace and earn the exact same dollars.
    I don't mind helping my in-laws but I want recognition for that. I want recognition that they are staying at our house, not just her sons that she has absolute rights on. I want his sisters to take some responsibility of the parents too abd the parents to depend a bit on the sisters too, because at this moment the sisters are there only to take. MIL leaves no stones unturned to remind me everyday that how my hubby and I need to take care of SILs all through the life according to Punjabi customs. She will say things like "even today when I visit my brothers place, they shower me with cash and gifts while returning."
    Hubby has stood strong re younger SILs wedding and said he can't help financially because of mortgage, baby and me being on maternity leave.
    Do PILs asking grand parents in laws for money, and FIL has taken up a job her to help fund wedding in December.
    The SIL is still staying with us because "what will be our reputation if we tell others about their court marriage. So let's just wait until we socially marry them in December and then she can go."
    OMG!!! What a drama queen she is!
     
  7. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    First of all congrats!! Hope the little one is doing good.
    Reading your post I feel that you and your husband are very sorted and having a good marriage ofcourse with giving from both sides. You supported your husband in his responsibilities and he is in family matters. And he seems to be able to manage it. So let him do it and dont interfere.
    What you can do is to open a savings account in your son's name for his future educatiothn etc ensuring financial security for you and your son. These are essential and nobody can fault you. Invest in such essentials depending on feasibility. When cash flow reduces naturally people will have to make adjustments with their expectations too. Dont expect this to happen immediately. It will take some time and there will be some grumbling. Ignore.

    Coming to recognition, better to kiss goodbye to that dream. If incase they do it after some years consider it a bonus but dont expect. They may not say it but they know your contribution. And this is their way of dealing with it.Some people have that insecurity entrenced so deeply you really cwnt do anything about it.
     
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  8. Udasgirl

    Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    sukanya

    I have faced issues when my MIL was staying with us after my delivery... she tried to overrule many times but when my husband confronted, she backed off etc.. so pretty common for moms to listen to their sons and not DILs..

    This is a warning sign if ur MIL giving you gyan about what are ur responsibilities towards your SILs so try to confront/oppose her ASAP. You can tell her that things have changed now and no girls need support/pampering from brother/his wife after they get married.
    If she says it is her son's home you can casually mention some time that it is your house too...
    Re your SIL (younger) Never interfere between her and your husband and do not try to reconcile....
     
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  9. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello sukanya, ur inlaws will nevet acknowledge ut contribution openly....its the ego which stops them doing so....believing tht their son is doing everything gives thrm the satisfaction and a feel of having an upperhand on u....
    u urself keep reminding them abt ur contribution....and best is if ur husband sings ur contribution's saga infront of them...
    Like ur mil hints tht it his son's house....u also hints tht you have equally contributed in the house...
    as another poster said u shuld say tht now a days gals r no less than boys ....they work hard and earn equal money....now a days gals are having self respect they earn themselves...and then give urs ex....look at me i dont need my bro or parents money as i earn equal....express ur opinion so ur mil soon realize ur views and mould her expectations accordingly....
    ur mil will nevet follow ur ways even if she thinks tht u r correct....it seems she has inferiority complex..it is gud tht ur husband understands u....and support u....i guess u people are handling it well...ur husband seems a balanced person....
    so u can ignore mil part and as ur husband put his foot down regaring sils lavish wedding it shows tht he knows whr to stop...so u need not to worry....let ur hubby handle...
     
  10. SukanyaB

    SukanyaB Senior IL'ite

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    Hi @kma
    Thanks for your support.
    Yes, by Gods grace my husband and I have a great strong relationship.
    I was thinking about the savings account but thought will do it once I am back at work next January. May as well start now to put in laws in a tighter point.
     
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