Should I stay in this marriage?

Kiran777 · Jun 29, 2015

@yellowmango, @guesswho, @rihana, @laks09, @viswamitra, @shanvy, @sgbv @butterflyice, @satchitananda, @rakhi, @ramyaramani, and anyone else for that matter, please need your input as it would mean a lot to me

I have an account with IL, but I guess I don't want to come out and declare my problems with that ID. Please can you guide me to choose how I need to go forward in my life. I will try to be as brief as possible.

Got married to my highschool sweetheart and running towards two decades of knowing each other have hit a big wall. Its virtual suicide. His parents knew me from my teen years and never liked me. They are extremely traditional. They compelled us to move to India. We both left our super jobs to take care of them. He is their only son. I tried for a job once coming back, but it required a lot of traveling. They didnot like it a bit and emotionally led me to quit. Inlaws are educated and MIL worked with her kids. She wanted my job to like her, something simple, that will not make me travel and take me away from my responsibilities. But unfortunately, my educational credentials demanded traveling in India, unlike in US. I always speak my mind, fiercely independent in taking decisions of my life, but lately, i have been arrested in this cage, from which I am not able to come out.

Issues with ILs:

Extremely traditional. Want us to follow the rules of yester years joint family. Everything must go through the head of the family. H was allowed to visit after I had my son, based on his birth time. Although I wished to spend time during my pregnancy with my H, my H was not allowed to visit me based on how it should be rules. I should spend time with H behind close doors. No socializing infront of them. MIL is extremely possessive, insecure, and jealous. H is god for them.
Want my parents to bend over with formalities towards them.
Have to call them first to take permission to send their son to my folks house, etc.
Only FIL has the authority to take son out to a lawn or park, I cannot even do that in their presence

Issues with H:

When ILs leave to some city, then H will talk to me and socialize. In thier presence, he won't even look. He has taken me for granted. Wants me to be depressed like he is. He WILL not go against them.

Issues with Self:
Coward to let them know they are taking my independence.

I married with my own money. Didn't take a penny from my husband or my father. Bought my own house. ILs didn't demand dowry but wanted to know what my parents were offering me. In a way, it was dowry, that they could tell their relatives for pride. They didn't need money but the social status. Unfortunately, I provided all that via my parents to them, which they came to know, and they were kind of furious that my parents weren't taking it as their responsibility, instead taking my money. I dont get it. Anyways, these kinds of things kept of adding up, which ultimately blew up during our son's birth. They wanted my parents to give a grand party to their relatives. Again, they kept demanding that it was my parents responsibility. They kept arguing with me that what had they done nothing for my marriage? That they are not the parents that ought to be.

I am extremely protective of my parents. I didn't agree with them. This caused a lot of rifts between me and H. H wants me to blindly say yes to anything they say. A party, lower to their standards, was arranged. My parents criticized them in front of their relatives that H doesn't have permission to even enter their house, without his mom. It was a mistake from my folks. They were horribly offended. That was the end of the road for us. A big fight brewed next day infront of my infant. I was devastated. During this fight my H took their side. They ended all relations with my parents and wanted me to choose them.

For some reason, i came back to my H, thinking this will someday be normal. But since then, i feel like living in a jail. We both stopped talking to each other with zero intimacy. Now its been few years of this. My boy is a toddler. In laws are extremely good to him. They dont bother me with any taunts etc. But every now and then they keep reminding me of how bad my folks are. Daily, neither we talk to each other and my H sleeps in another room. I have become this zombie who only wakes up to make breakfast for everyone, and take care of my son's responsibilities. Thats it. Neither do i talk to them or do they. Whenever i talk to another outsider, my MIL makes it a point to show that i am extremely good to others but not them. I cannot go anywhere, because FIL brings all the groceries. I don't work. My H has admitted that he is depressed but he has been completely emotionally blackmailed, that he cannot say anything against his parents. He says that he accepts that and wants to continue living like this and expects me to do so. He keeps telling me that he wants to die, but not able to, due to my son. Everyone is depressed. I don't see a way out of this.

My mind is blank. My mother understands all the emotional crisis I am going through. She keeps telling me, that they are there to support me. Although there is no trace of any abuse, I am mentally dead. Everyday i want to die. I don't sleep till early morning. All i do is read IL posts. Now, i want to leave this marriage. Please any one of you, can you guide me? Should I leave and get happiness. Because now, I am suffering everyday. This clash between me and his parents to become like an adarsh bahu is not going well with me.

Everyday I want to run away, very far from all this, but I am stopping. What should I do?? H is completely mute of his needs. He thinks its alright to not take care of himself and his immediate family. His parents needs are utmost.

yellowmango · Jun 29, 2015

First ,look for a job.
Then think long term.Is this the life you want to grow old living?
Is this the kind of environment you think your child should grow up in?Where people don't even talk to each other.

Once you get a job..and if you still feel the same way,let husband know that you are not willing to live like this any longer and ready to think about separation.
Let in laws know how depressed their son and dil are because of their ways.

If things still don't change,move out and try out temporary separation along with marriage counseling.

Meanwhile both of you check with a doctor about your depression. Husband may be so passive due to depression.Once better,he may try to want a better life.

beingloved · Jun 29, 2015

For beginning.. start with a job. Any job for that matter. You need to come out of the house, meet new people and mingle with them.
Take control of your life. Let your parents, In-laws, Husband, Son do whatever they want to do with their lives.. You haven't come in this world to serve all of them
Stop being emotionally dependent, specially on your husband. Invest your emotions elsewhere.. maybe your son/ your hobbies/ best friends..

Remember.. there's always a way out. Make a list of what you wanted from life and plan out how to go about it. We get to live only once, isn't?

tashidelek2002 · Jun 29, 2015

May I ask how old are your inlaws? Do they have health problems that require attention?

itzmelvk · Jun 29, 2015

Life is short live your life. Kid growing in such environment is not good. Though you all pretend to be happy around kid soon he will understand and get depressed. Create and stay in happy positive environment. You are educated please come out if your parents can support and live happily. I feel you husband will also come out slowly when you move out.

chocolate · Jun 29, 2015

OP,Be the change you want to be. As YM suggested start with one. Take up a job. Be indifferent to anybody opposing. Don't leave the house in case it gets too much. Just don't respond .No in laws live in old times. If your MIL was working she is more into present than being from old ages. Once DIL comes all these come into play.You take the first step. Take up a job. Let all things fall to deaf ears. Otherwise you and your hubby will wither away like u never existed . Do you want that?

Buckle up, Take a few min and post your resume on job sites. Take that step today. Tomorrow apply for a few jobs. Day after respond.Remember one day at a time.Do you want your kid to open his eyes to depression and get depressed himself.Good Luck.

satchitananda · Jun 29, 2015

First and foremost, stop looking for approval from ILs and husband for everything you do. You have tried toeing the line and failed in getting their approval. Everyone all round is unhappy. Remember, the 'ideal dil' label is not worth all this heartbreak and is never conferred whatever one does and there are no prizes for suffering.

So like a lot of others have said here, first get out of the house and look for a job. Once you are financially secure, put your foot down. For all you know that might bring about at least some changes in attitudes. If it doesn't, then you need to suggest temporary separation and counselling. All this will take some time. Take things from there.

gauridinesh · Jun 29, 2015

Kiran, there is only one person who can solve this entire problem and clean up this mess for you. This person is strong, independant and very very strong willed, because this person has courageously faced a lot of ups and downs - in life and marriage. This person has single handedly shows to everyone that a girl doesnt need support to do anything - including pay for her wedding. That person, my dear is you.

In the name of "society", " compromise","adjustment for the sake of the child" - you have suppressed this independant person inside you. And it is hightime for that oppressed you to come out of slumber and take control.
First and foremost - think "how far worse could things be?". The answer is "not much". So do what you have to do now, to make YOURSELF happy. You tried to make others happy - it clearly hasnt worked. Now give yourself a chance.

Like others have very RIGHTLY suggested - get a job. It could be a small one, less paying one , it could be ANYTHING. Grab it and run - fast. A job will give you the opportunity to shift focus from this hell hole. Dont succumb to pressure. Like I said earlier - matters could go only worse.
Second, start taking your decisions. Start small - with groceries, for example. You say FIL buys everything. Go out one day and buy some fruits. Or some small "chota mota" thing (like toothpaste). Increase the dose in installments. Till, you are able to go to the store to buy stuff atleast once in a week.
Three, mend relations with your H. Again, start slow. Go tell him in a calm way that you are saddened by all this. That you miss him. He may also be feeling the same - Men have huge Egoes. Try to send out feelers. Go to his room and make small talk with him. Slowly latch on to any communication you may have .
And last, show your FIL and MIL that your parents are your parents - no matter what. Give them pointers that you cannot make a choice between them and your parents.Buy small gifts for your parents in front of them.

Ignore any taunts of your MIL - it is what they are, taunts. Meant to get to you. I recently heard this awesome saying "All the water in an ocean cannot sink the ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similar;y, all hardships and negativity in the world cannot beat you down,unless you let them creep into your mind". Wake up girl and take control.
Give that independant person inside you a chance again - she is waiting

kanthtx · Jun 30, 2015

tell ur H that you should look for seperate accomodation for u and ur H, kid.

tell him frankly that u seem to be lost in the marraige and to resolve this u need to be independent and live alone for a while away from ur ILs.

Forget about ILS ur parents and tell ur H that u both need to work on ur relation ship and also well being..

depression is not good for u and also for ur child... seek help of a doctor if u need any meds to deal with it..

the moment u stop giving extreme importance to ur ILs and may be start living independently then u will find peace..