FIL has an affair from the past 7 years

@Ivenkata,

My prayers are with you for peace of mind. I understand your emotions very well and unfortunately, your emotions are normal. Having married for 3.5 years and already have kid, I suggest you should have a serious conversation with your husband. If I were you, I would mention the following:

1) If family as a whole has to forgive the actions of your FIL, he should immediately stop his affair and apologize to the whole family. If he decides to continue the affair, the family has to disown him completely.

2) Your husband should apologize to you for not declaring all these mess to you earlier. His action violated the trust you had in him. He should disclose exactly how much he spent on his father's debt so far and how much more is left.

3) If your FIl decides to continue his affair, you have to demand that your husband and MIL should severe their connection with him. They both behaved irresponsibly when they did not intervene to stop your FIL's affair.

4) Please tell your husband that your decision to stay with the family is dependent on his decision to properly deal with your FIL's affair. Status quo is not acceptable. It is a bad precedence for your child and hence you may have to make a hard decision.

5) Give your husband specific time frame to let you know his decision. If he decides to continue status quo or unable to agree to your terms, you may have to make a hard decision to get out of this toxic environment which is not conducive for your kid.

I hope I have not said anything that is hurtful. God bless you to come out of this situation soon.

Viswa

 

@Ivenkata Do not punish yourself and your husband for the sins of his father. It is not his fault, if he is a good person otherwise. Your MIL must be very hurt, any woman would be but keeping quiet ..well, because she has no other go. As someone part of the house, you can speak up about this, and ask your MIL and husband to pressurize your FIL to behave, you too can talk about it with him. Your FIL is doing it only because he has been able to get away with his family. If he still doesnt come around, then you will have to take the next step, of moving out or keeping your FIL out of the family, but you cannot do anything unless everyone feels the same way. Good luck, it is a very difficult situation.

 

Hi there,

Prayers for you to be peaceful.

I understand this can be very disturbing to you. But, just give it some more thought than how you feel about it because the main party to be affected here is not YOU (as much as you may feel it is you)

Your FIL's life is not yours. Don't let it affect you. It is his own life. He is free to have an affair if he wishes to! Your FIL ( as bad as a person he can be) is an individual. He is old, experienced, earns enough and more, lives a life he wants and he is entitled to it. His wife and son have been accepting so far to him. May be they lived together because they feared their son won't get married otherwise. May be your husband felt it is his duty to contribute to the debts asmuch as he can and then start living his own life. They were embarrassed but they also accepted it and that is why your MIL is not divorced or separated from him. I don't know the scenario, you do.

FIL cannot expect you to be accepting and you don't have to! If he does, move out! But you have no rights to make him feel cheap or stupid because of this.

People do different things when in trouble and debt. Relationships fall away, affairs happen. It is easier and sensible to accept this as a problem to be solved than to feel disgusted about it. Using words like cheap, cultureless is totally uncalled for. When I say accept, I mean just acknowledge and find what to do to retain your peace of mind. Does it affect you a lot? - Consider moving out with your husband and MIL.

Also, don't mistake me as supporting your FIL - I am just asking you to treat him as an individual and not make his private life as your business.

Saying things like kid growing in a toxic environment is a tad too much - how do you even know it will be toxic? Does he drink at home, may be? If it is not toxic now ( since you are living there), why would it become one later?

There is no business for you to accept him. It is your MIL's job. Let them be adults about it, please.

Wish you luck and peace.

 

Absolutely agree with @happygirl22 above !

You have to get the whole turmoil out of your head! You seem to be in shock at suddenly knowing about his truths. Calm down and think rationally!

How is your FIL's character directly impacting your everyday life?

Is he behaving badly with you?
Is his behavior at home disturbing your DH and MIL and you?
Is his "reputation" affecting your daily life and job prospects?

He spends most of the time out of home. Your DH is a responsible man, but dealing with his own demons. Maybe he is playing a waiting game because of some social issues with your MIL.

Creating a fuss about "toxic" environment and "reputation" and "demeaning" will NOT affect your FIL in ANY way but create and cause unnecessary disturbances in your OWN married life and for your DH and MIL - so please maintain silence about this topic, vent here if you want
But dont take any action unless it comes from your DH or MIL or they ask you for your opinion.
Even if they ask for your opinion, say what needs to be DONE - action plan - no name calling!
They need YOUR support, NOT your judgemental hand wringing!

You are NOT answerable to anyone for FIL 's actions. So if any outsider asks, you can just freeze off and say "none of your business" but apart from that, maintain your dignity!

 

Messy situation ....that said

Its not ur call or choice. Its ur MILs. If she chooses to accept her husband for what he is then so be it. You and ur husband can move out of the house. U can choose however to keep him out of ur life.

If men and women were made accountable for their parents mistakes most of the marriages would be dissolved by now. Dont jeopardize ur marriage for the sake of ur FILs morals or lack of it.

 

Dear op,

Keeping the whole mess from you for 3.5 years is not forgivable.What pa they still not consider you as family?...i could understand your feelings......

If your FIL is spending your dhs present & future earnings on his present affair with another lady,its surly is your business.Your FIL is welcome to do his mistakes at his own cost and not on your families expense(you cant restrict MIL but emptying your dhs pocket is your business). You are right to question as this whole mess would affect your future finances heavily.It should be dissolved before you decide to go for a kid.

Find out why your dh is taking his dads financial burden when his dad is only creating more debts and giving his own earnings to his ladylove? Ask him to define his future responsibilities and verify if that lovelady and her kid included in that? Where his debts would end and your family would be ready for a free life?

If the FILs affair is affecting only your MIL ,then you dont have any business to interfere into thier issues.But when it affects your family its your business.........Iam not going into the moral aspect of having an affair or tolerating a persons affair for social reasons(its personal).A person taking full advantage of wife ,son and DIL and goes on heaping debts on thier life and maintaining another family for his pleasure is not fair or acceptable.Request your dh to take a stand and for gods sake postpone your TTc till you know whats the lowdown in the whole mess.

Prayers to you dear