How to handle ILs who have insulted the DIL in the past

Cool10 · May 26, 2015

Hi,

I conceived immediately after my marriage and miscarried in my late second trimester. Post which my MIL and co-sis behaved very badly with me. They called me infertile, unlucky and what not.

My co-sis was pregnant at the same time. She and ILs didn't invite me for her bangle ceremony (everybody else was invited). Even the exact date was not disclosed to me. During her entire pregnancy whenever I called her 99% of time she didn't lift the phone. On the other MIL told me to inquire about her daily on phone and complained to DH that I am not calling co-sis.

The whole family also shared the pics of the bangle ceremony with everyone excluding me. Whenever I asked for seeing the pics MIL ignored me. Another time she told me I don't have kids. MIL also advertised to all her relatives about my MC and that I was infertile. OMG - till date I don't know why she spread that lie about infertility. Two of my DH's cousins told me this separately.

One week after ceremony when co-sis lifted the phone, I congratulated her for the ceremony and wished her well. She told me very rudely that I should seek surrogacy. I was shocked and in tears kept the phone. Even one year of my marriage was not over then.

Later co-sis and BIL didn't invite me to their new house warming ceremony. They kept on calling DH repeatedly though. I mentioned these things to DH who said co-sis is younger and I being elder shouldn't mind all this. I didn't want to go uninvited and told him to go alone, but DH booked the tickets for both of us. By God's grace I got pregnancy confirmation just 3 days before the ceremony and doc told me not to travel.

Now post 5 months of pregnancy, MIL did a u-turn and doing fake sweet talking to me. She is planning from now itself to come to my parents place for 15 days at delivery time along with whole family kneesmiley. I know they wont lift a finger and expect to be treated like king and queen. She came last month to stay here and didn't do a single work. Even the day I vomited whole day and was unable to keep even any water down, she shouted at me in the night as DH got food from outside seeing my condition.

They all want to come again now, including co-sis and BIL to my place (me and DH house) and stay for 10 days. They are saying they want to celebrate. But I will be the lone person doing all tasks as co-sis doesn't do any work at all (they communicated this already that she is having a baby and cannot work).

I hate to see their double-faced nature and fake sweet talking now. I don't want to hold any ceremony because they treated me so badly in my TTC phase. This ceremony is not performed at my parent's side. I am also high risk pregnancy and don't want to take that much strain.

How to deal with such type of people ?

yellowmango · May 26, 2015

Tell your husband you do not want to risk anything and cannot take care of guests as yours is a high risk pregnancy.Tell him this is too much strain physically and emotionally. If they insist...go o your parents home .Insensitive idiots!

Rohanj · May 26, 2015

This is really terrible what they are doing to you. Really unfair and pathetic treatment. The situation is that, they will do anything possible to pull you down. So, even if you deny to celebrate the ceremony, they will use your 'no' to their advantage and speak ill of you.
My suggestion will be,
1. Deny the celebration. Your pregnant now. You take care of yourself and the baby. Let them do whatever they want.
2. Ask for your DH's help. Make him understand your situation. How is he BTW with respect to his family? I hope he supports you.

Please, do take care of yourself and don't pay attention to their ceremony plans. I mean do not let them come to your house. Your baby should be your priority. Hope this helps you. God speed...

Jazmine83 · May 26, 2015

Congratulations!

Talk to your doctor and have the doctor tell your husband that you are at high risk and should be resting.

If they do end up coming, "fall sick" until they leave...you safety and your babies is paramount here. They sound like horrible ppl, no matter how nice you are they will still find fault...you might as well "earn" the bad name

VanithaSudhir · May 26, 2015

Keep these people at a distance.

Even if you tell your DH that you don't want to take added stress there is a chance that he might tell that his Mom or Co-Sis might help. So you have to put your foot down and tell honestly why you don't want them there. Tell that you may end up doing everything and it is stressful for you. Especially your Co-Sis can come 11 days after the baby is born for naming ceremony. She can till then rejoice and celebrate at her new home.
You don't take stress. You just be honest and tell it on the face. MIL.. might come for delivery. Unless until your DH stops . it is impossible to avoid her
Your co-sis.. you can call her and tell not to come. Big deal !! If you want tell her.. that you haven't still forgotten how you were treated by her and it would take you some time to forget the past .. so until then she can stay wherever she is..

Rihana · May 26, 2015

MIL/co-sis called you infertile, unlucky etc but you still wanted/expected to be invited to the bangle ceremony.

They didn't even tell you bangle ceremony date, but you asked MIL for pictures of the ceremony.

When she ignored your pictures request, you kept asking.

You kept calling co-sis even though 99% of time she didn't pick up phone.

You didn't think of telling MIL and DH that you've called enough times as an elder co-sis.

A week after bangle-ceremony, to which you were not invited, and whose pictures were not shared with you, you wished a co-sis who had not picked up your call 99% of the time.

They talked about your miscarriage with everybody in a negative way.

With that background, are you surprised that your in-laws and DH think they can treat you like a doormat?

8. DH booked tickets for both of you, doesn't mean both have to go. Ticket can be canceled. You cannot physically be made to travel against your will. You shouldn't have to rely on a fortuitous pregnancy to avoid going to events to which you are not invited. Given the history, just inviting your husband is not enough. And, if you are supposed to be 'elder' co-sis and 'forgive', then she has to be younger co-sis and invite you specifically over the phone.

How to deal with such type of people ?
Click to expand...

You have to be firm. Assert yourself. With minimal drama. With giving minimal justification. There are some posts and threads here that suggest how to go about this. All that is too much to learn during a high-risk pregnancy. Put everything on "doctor said". If they do come anyway, simply fall 'sick' and rest in bed getting up only for exercise.

If husband cannot avoid their coming, let him deal with them. Having people at home is a lot of work. The only way to nip this in the bud, is to let him and the people take care of the work.

sarajara · May 26, 2015

Cool 10,

I agree with. Yellow mango.

Tell your DH that you cannot be taking risks given that last time you had a Mc ANC that you ned. Rest and any kind of strain physically or emotionally us not good to you. In fact that's the truth. Ask him to tell his family to come when you deliver so that they can celebrate that occasion and you both will also be safe.

Tell him softly that you cannot do hard work or be occupied through out the day and you need proper rest which wouldn't be possible if they come and then you cannot spend quality time with them.

I think he will also understand you.

All the best !

pinky2cute · May 26, 2015

Dear OP,

After going through your post, anyone can giess that your ILs are insensitive bunch of idiots (pardon me for calling that)

Only one thing I will say- Be FIRM! Learn to say NO.

Do not let your ILs come over to your place. Prevention is better than cure. Tell your hubby about your high risk pregnancy and that you cannot take care of all in this state. Make him to tell your ILs that you need to take rest and so at this moment better not to take chances.

If any reasoning fails to prevent them coming over to your place, then please pack your bags and go to your mother's place.
there's nothing more safer and comfortable place in this world than a mother's place

Wish you a happy journey of motherhood. Please remember to think about yourself and baby first and do what's best for you both... dont give a damn about what your inlaws may think or ehat the world may think.

dimhere · May 26, 2015

Remember all this double-faced sweet talking and hosting them is only going to increase once the baby comes. Please be firm right from right now, and set yourself some boundaries.

Clearly remember all your MIL's sentences about co-sis not able to do any work with a baby... so YOU can use them when YOU have your baby.

sumzaya · May 27, 2015

U need rest and proper care. u just ask ur doctors help to inform ur hus that u need rest and cant do lots f house works so ur hus can convey it to them.
the attitude of ur in laws gives clear picture tht they will be a big headache for u even if u do all good things as a gud host... so y take pain to c fake love...
its ur DH who has to think of all this,when they planned to make a visit.. try convincing him the risk, since u shouldnt be stressed during this stage..
And if all these dint work..... take a very nice bed rest.... just b cool and be prepared to keep ur stand (no host formalities )