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Need Help... MIL Issues

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by vidhya3b, May 25, 2015.

  1. vidhya3b

    vidhya3b IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello All,

    My problem may be very silly. I myself not sure whether it is silly or not.
    Mine is a love marriage(Inter-State Marriage). My-inlaws and I live in different states. ..Good 14 hours travel. My in-laws visit us 2 month in a year (Once in 6 months). We visit them whenever possible depending on our leaves.
    I am married for 2 years now. I have few problems.

    1. My in-laws don’t spend much. They expect me to be the same. Eating once in a month out is wasting money. Switching on AC is waste of money. My MIL keeps telling me that I shouldn’t use fan, Lights or AC unwantedly almost every day when she is staying @ my home.
    2. I am a working woman. She told me many times that I should sweep the house first thing in the morning and then take bath. They only I should start cooking. I told her that I will be all sweaty after cooking and I don’t want to cook after taking bath. But she just keeps on insisting on this. I spend almost 10 to 11 hours in office (Including travel). I just clean once or twice in a week, especially on weekends.
    3. I had a Mis-Carriage 1 year back. We are TTC from then with no luck. So my husband and I are trying to eat healthy food and avoid rice at least in the nights. She wants my husband to eat the left over rice in the nights. I asked my husband not to eat.
    4. Our food style is different. When I cook (even if I am busy and had to cook early and them go to office), She questions me a lot. Why your Sambar is like this? This has to be watery and all such things. She insists her son likes only that way. But when I asked my husband, he is okay with either way. I just don’t want to spoil the originality.
    5. I don’t like her cooking. I eat less when she cooks. I just never told her I don’t like her food. I will somehow manage to eat a bit. She tells me repeatedly that I should eat more rice and I actually have carbohydrates deficiency. I am working on weight reduction.
    6. I always rinse vessels before using it. Even the washed vessels, I just give a rinse before using it. I have this weird feeling, after washing there is a chance either cockroach or lizard can get on the vessel and I may be using it. She doesn’t want me to wash vessels. She never washes and I never asked her to wash. She feels the vessels are clean and I am wasting water.
    7. Since I am in TTC, I don’t want to stress much. I want some time for us on daily basis. So I talked to my husband and he agreed to assist me in house hold chorus. When she is around, she doesn’t like me getting help from my husband. She feels that I am torturing him. I don’t speak his language and generally we speak in English. My MIL speaks English as well. I am not sure whether because of language feels that way. She is ready to do that work anyways. But the issue here is if I ask her to do something, she always comes with 100 questions and mostly comes to a conclusion it shouldn’t be done that way. Especially when I have to get ready to go to office, answering all the questions and explaining is time consuming. Actually irritating to me. So I prefer my husband to do work.

    All these may be petty issues. But is there any issue with me ? Am I getting irritated for something for which I shouldn’t be?
    What can I do to have at least an OK relationship with her? She may stay permanently with us after a year or so.
    My FIL creates few issues but he is easy to handle with. And he really loves me.
    But one thing, she loves her son a lot. She never behaved harshly with me for not having a kid till now.
     
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  2. Sivasakthigopi

    Sivasakthigopi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    These are simple issues only!
    Dont worry!

    No mom likes that her son work for his wife!
    I too like you, before cooking, i rinse vessels. It is my habit.
    MIL always think Rice only enough for health!
    They control your savings thats it!
    They also comes once in 6 months!

    So no need to worry and stress yourself more!
    Me too have this kind of problems!
    My MIL ask me to have only rice instead of fruits or others to gain weight!
    She dont rinse vessels and tell me, "If you put in sambar it will be wasted soon"
    My preparations are not good!
    Especially my husband helps me in all works. She dont like that too. She point out this always and hurt me!
    So its usual in all family! So dont give up yourself in these issues!
     
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  3. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Since your in laws do not live with you so do not pay attention to all this. I feel answering back for each and everything can even make petty issues very big so just practice playing deaf and dumb. Just give a deaf ear to your mils gyan.
     
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  4. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't see much problem with your MIL requests , most of them are good habits or saving habits or conservation of water and electricity .

    The main issue is your interstate marriage and differences in food habits etc. People
    From south and east cannot stay without rice . Just like you don't like their food , they maynot like your food. Let your mother in law cook for some and themselves , ask
    our husband to ask her to prepare the dishes he likes , he will good good and your work will be less .


    They visit you guys only for a month in six months , try to accept differences and don't over think. When you marry cross culturally you need to open in thoughts and deeds .
     
  5. vidhya3b

    vidhya3b IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for your response! She just doesn't leave me until I tell an answer. Still always smiling and telling her either yes or that doesn't really suit me.
     
  6. vidhya3b

    vidhya3b IL Hall of Fame

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    Awesome!!! So I am not the only one on the boat. Sorry to say this.. But feeling better now.

    Only problem is she is going to stay with us permanently from next year... If that's the case, I am not sure whether I can handle on daily basis.

    I usually come back around 10 pm in the night. Answering her questions at that time is quite irritating.
     
  7. vidhya3b

    vidhya3b IL Hall of Fame

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    Yea right. All are good habits. But I want AC and FAN. Its very hot here. I don't know why I should compromise my comfort.
    As far as water is concerned, the way she tells me is what bothers me. She has the blaming tone. My mom corrects me when I do something wrong. But she does without actually blaming me.
    We both are South Indians. But I used to eat rice only once in a day. With weight reduction in mind, I don't think I can eat rice three times a day. And my hubby is ok with it. He actually go changed very much after marriage. I do feel she is not liking that.
    Why I am even bothered about her now is, my husband wants her to live with us. And it will happen next year. Not sure whether I can behave the same way I am now without showing any irritation.
     
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  8. vidhya3b

    vidhya3b IL Hall of Fame

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    I think I am not clear yet.

    Actually my problem is, I don't want to spoil the relationship with her.

    As of now I feel like she is a doctor when giving me free medical advice and CBI officer closely watching whenever I am @ home and finding faults.

    I don't want to think like that. My husband really loves her. He will not be happy without her. But I am unable to stand with her even for 5 mins and running into my room since I am scared I may talk something which I will regret later.

    Is there anyway I can put all this delicately to her, so that she won't do this? If she thinks whatever I am doing is wrong, its okay. But I just don't want her blaming tone and always telling me what to do like an LKG student. My intention is not convincing her that I am right. Its just to avoid such talks @ home.

    She is a literate. Actually a retired HM. She gets assistance from my FIL even now. But she don't get that I also have the right to get assistance from my husband.
     
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  9. Sivasakthigopi

    Sivasakthigopi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    There is more people in the same boat not only we both!
    If she ask anything tell her, i am tired. will talk with you morning ma!
    I will do the same only! Now days I have not much house hold works, kitchen works etc.,
    She take care of all herself! I cant able to eat her foods in sometimes. I just omit that, then drama starts she dont eat like!
    So It is casual one. If she continues dont care about that. If you soon provide her grand child, then she dont have time to talk with you after that.

    If my MIL talk with me in late night, i just tell her, "today i have so many works, i need to take rest, so today you feed your grandson." She then goes to take care of him.

    So dont give up. You do what you like! Consult good Gyn, Track your ovulation chart.

    All the best!
     
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  10. Sivasakthigopi

    Sivasakthigopi Gold IL'ite

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    Note one thing! All MIL get help from their husband. But they never allow Kid to do that.

    I provide some basic works to my 4 yr DS only. Like put plates and cups in Sink, put toys in tub (Toys Storage Box), Bring fold cloths or cloths to relevant MIL, to put his cloths in his bero, like...

    But if my husband ask him to do any works which i felt hard for him, I shout him for this and do that work instead of my SON.

    My MIL ask me, "If your Son work for your DIL, What you do?"

    I said, "It is his duty to help his Wife. This is my duty to help him in his work. In future if he dont help my DIL, i will ask him why he dont do that work. why he ask your wife to do like this"

    My MIL said, "Now you talk, but if i am alive when he get married, i will see, what happen in future"

    So all moms like the same. May be in future, i will also ask my DIL not to provide works to my son.

    So give up these things. MIL always like the same. You know, still now we four (ME, DH, MIL, FIL) will discuss family expenditure in every month end, what we spent in separate and how much?

    We point out that, which expenses is spent unnecessarily. Then try to reduce that.

    Old people have well experience. Their experience is our Age. I learn many things from them still now!

    Advice, tuition, special classes also i met.

    After baby arrived, Dont sit there, dont sit like this, Dont take him like this, dont fold his cloth like this, dont provide him milk in bottle, why you boil his things frequently, why you use to much detol, why dont put hair on his head still now, etc, etc.,

    So this is regular one! hear from this ear, dont take them to your mind, then drop through next ear.

    If she comment in food preparations ask her to cook in polite manner then left.

    I dont do like your perfect, if you do i will learn from you in future! Enough for her!
     
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