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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by lat13, May 20, 2015.

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  1. May 20, 2015 #1
    lat13

    lat13 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi ladies.
    my happy days in my mom's house is over. Moving to my MIL house on July 1st week after my delivery. Very much afraid how I am going to manage my Mil,fil,2 younger BIL, 2 co sister's, my mil's mil, my fil' s brother(10 members in my family). I am so soft,straight forward. I am friendly with my co sisters. Dey took that as advantage. Once der husband come from office.dey go into bedroom and lock. After 1 hr she wil come out. My mil starts telling to prepare dinner at that time. Before she come we wil finish it off. My co sisters never minds if me nd my mil is in kichen, she wil feed her husband like a smal kid Even though der is lot of work.

    She talks about me behind very badly. Even though my co sisters doesn't do household work my mil won't say anything. if there parents come she wil cook al type of receipes with my help. But if my parents come she wil not do anything. Since my parents r so near I dnt even mind this.

    But things changed me after my delivery. I saw there other face. Even my co sisters r rude dey never listen to my mil words. My mil never spoken harsh to them even der is a big mistake. But she speak very harsh to me If i do any small mistake. I have helped her in many ways. I never sit if my mil is in kichen. I will help her. But my 2 co sisters will not go to kichen if she enters.
    Most worst part I am suffering is:
    my mil doesnt allow me to sit. She wil going on telling some work. (For eg. Toprepare lunch she tell to keep all items in table. Veg, a boul of water, knife, mixe jar, karam, salt, turmeric's everything. My work is only to on the gas) again I hv to clean the table keep items again in same places. She puts all d waste in floor. I hv to sweep and put moop.wil be walking atleast 20 times from my kitchens to hall. my legs will pain like anything in night, even though maid is der she tel to complete half of the maid work. My co sisters never sit in hall dey will be inner hall since she going on commandin. Not allowing us to sit. I also joined dem for few days she told that i spoiled dem. I thought dem Blah blah a big fight came.

    my husband doesn't know how to ask my mil in polite way. He makes a small thing to a big problem. Shout in gate. He doesn't think I hv to live with my mil when he goes to office.

    My husband, BIL gives his whole salary to his mom. My mil maintenance whole family. We live luxury life only. But I hv never enjoyed anything. 3 cars in my house. Never sat in front. My mil sits. It's same rule for my co sisters also.My husband tells wait for my mom she has lot of money she support us.

    My MIL never asked about my pain. She come daily and c my daughter and go. She tells often to my mom I wil take care of my grand daughter. Whr I am der to work in house hold work

    I doesn't know what to do. Pls help ladies. Very Much Afraid. Wil dey take my daughter and tel me to do work. R else dey start solid foods and treat me as maid. Very afraid. I am going low. Help me..
     
    lat13, May 20, 2015
    lat13, May 20, 2015
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  2. May 20, 2015 #2
    MyselfandI

    MyselfandI Silver IL'ite

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    Stay strong and go ahead with confidence
     
    MyselfandI, May 20, 2015
    MyselfandI, May 20, 2015
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    2 people like this.
  3. May 20, 2015 #3
    Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    No one can take your child from you without your permission. Learn to be firm and assertive. What would happen if your mil tells you to do something and you reply maa I am not well or I have to feed my daughter can you please tell (name any of your cosis) to do that please maa. Look into your mil eyes say this and move away. say things like maa now I have a child to look after, I can not work so much, if other co sisters are not ready to work, let's hire a helper. If mil says I will look after the new baby simply say maa I love doing things for my child please do not take away these joys from me. There will be a bit drama for sure, some bad talk about you, but in some time it will be business as usual. Since you live in a very big family, suggest dividing of chores, but for that you need to have a voice of your own. Do not complain and rant all this to DH. Learn to speak up for yourself. Your mil is rude to you because she has never heard your voice. Either grow some spine or get used to serve the whole clan. People can push you only if you allow them to. You can either be in every ones good books ,work untill mid night and still get talked behind the back or do the required and necessary duties live your own life and still get talked behind your back. The choice is yours people will talk behind your back anyway, it's up to you what do you want. Do not fight for a good dil tag( as yellow mango calls it) life is a lot peaceful without it.
     
    Joyoflife, May 20, 2015
    Joyoflife, May 20, 2015
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  4. May 20, 2015 #4
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Let it be known early on that you will be taking care of your daughter.
    You will breast feed her as long as you want.
    Let them know you are still recuperating from childbirth and need rest.If you do work....you often go back to your room and rest.
    Do not go back to your routine before you went to your mom's place.You live in a joint family so why should you not get the benefits of the joint family too.Let every one do their part of the work.If you have any doubt...follow your co sisters. They seem to know how to handle your mil.
    OP...your mil treats you differently because you tolerate it...while your co sisters don't .There are enough people in the house and a maid.No one should be over worked. Start asking the maid to do the work you can't.

    And yes...the good dil tag is a big burden.It is not worth it.
    Cheer op...enjoy your baby and read up on how to be assertive.
    Check out the posts of the poster 'guesshoo' ....she has some really good pointers on how to be assertive and hold your ground.

    Calling @guesshoo for some guidance.
     
    yellowmango, May 20, 2015
    yellowmango, May 20, 2015
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  5. May 20, 2015 #5
    radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    OP - while you are at your mother's place, at your Inlaws home the household work must be going on as usual, I mean whatever work you were doing before delivery of your baby - that work must be done by somebody else now. So as others suggested, when you go back to your Inlaws home make your baby your priority and not the household work.
     
    radv, May 20, 2015
    radv, May 20, 2015
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  6. May 20, 2015 #6
    lat13

    lat13 Senior IL'ite

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    my fil is cooking. Seriously it's so hurting when somebody come to my home tells a man is still cooking even after DIL is come.
     
    lat13, May 20, 2015
    lat13, May 20, 2015
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  7. May 20, 2015 #7
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree with all the ladies.
    No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Start to push back gently. Take your child to your room and close the door. Look at what your co sisters do and start to act smartly. However don't complain and argue to your husband. Most important, enjoy your baby!
     
    MalStrom, May 20, 2015
    MalStrom, May 20, 2015
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  8. May 20, 2015 #8
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If men can eat then they can cook as well. What is wrong with that?
    And aren't your co sisters also the DILs of the house? Why are they getting a pass while you are expected to slog?
    If these ladies don't want to cook and they are that concerned about the family reputation, they can hire a cook with the money they apparently have. Don't fall for emotional dramas.
     
    MalStrom, May 20, 2015
    MalStrom, May 20, 2015
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  9. May 20, 2015 #9
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op ...why are you hurting if he is cooking.He has a wife,two other dils and a maid .He need not cook.If he does...good for him .May be he enjoys cooking.

    This comment of yours makes the picture more clear. Do the other people in the family hurt? Why are you hurting??You have a new born to take care of ...you should be the last person feeling guilty.I think you suffer from the 'what will people say' disorder. You can't have it all.....that perfect dil medal takes a lot of hard work and heart break....either be ready to deal with that ...or learn to not feel guilty so easily.


    Who was this person to tell you this news?Some messenger ?
     
    yellowmango, May 20, 2015
    yellowmango, May 20, 2015
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    5 people like this.
  10. May 20, 2015 #10
    radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    if his wife meaning your MIL is fine with her husband making food, why on earth you are feeling bad??
    sorry for me being blunt.
     
    radv, May 20, 2015
    radv, May 20, 2015
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    3 people like this.
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