strange issue with inlaws: want to overcome.

abinayamadhavan · May 7, 2015

Hello All,

i am not in good terms with my inlaws due to several issues in my life. But then even if i don't speak with them, while i work, my FIL take care of my son well. Currently i am carrying my second one and since the time i became pregnant, my MIL is volunatarily speaking with me and i am also maintaining the same. But she doesn't offer any help in my sickness or any help atleast. i don't mind it all muchbecause my hubby helps me a lot in my sickness.

Right from the time my son was born who is 2.5 years old now, my FIL says that his fathr has reborn as my son(anywys am not concerned about it). But they didn't even allow me to choose a name for him. forcefully named him and they decide everything in his matters which i cant tolerate.

Recently this has crossed the limits such that i didnt allow him to go to a relatives house bcoz i ws sick and DH agreed to drop them all there and come back immediately. But MIL came to our house and told my son, come we will go there and took him out without my consent.

Everytime she and my FIL behaves lik this and i am not able to bear this pain. i want my son's affection and i want to spend some time with him.. But intentionally they are behaving so. But my MIl will not take care of him even for 1 hour in case if i come late from office. FIL will take care.

How to tackle this situation? i am pregnant and doesn't want to think too much on this and harm my baby.. i am planning to quit my job becase of this insecured feeling that my son will be taken away from me.... wha to do

krithi1611 · May 7, 2015

I don know what to say for this, but if their suggestions are good for ur kid, u can take it I feel (see in that way -if our own parents do the same then). if not tell them like I want my opinion to be considered on my son's decision. we are ok to take care of our kids by them means then few rights also we can give them on our kids. this s purely my opinion.Good to see that your FIL takes care and good support from Hubby.
even I felt the same like my mil sometimes imposing her ideas on my kid, but that moment I ll feel later try to thnk if my mom does ? ... that acceptance am building on myself.

beingloved · May 7, 2015

I guess no child can be emotionally taken away from parents. Let her childish behavior continue.. Keep loving & caring your kid and also maintain the discipline. Leaving job would be silly..

Iamagoodgirl · May 7, 2015

If they do it again tell your child to go inside.Tell MIL firmly that you are not willing to send him at this time.Make it more difficult for them to take him away physically.
Send him at your mother place before IL come to your place or your friends house would do too.

abinayamadhavan · May 7, 2015

@All: i agree. if they do something whch is really good for my child, i do accept. But i can't tolerate them making decisions on where to take my son and where not to.

@being loved: true. he can't be taken emotionally away from me as blood is thicker than water and my affection for him is eternal. totaly agree. And as you say, i am being normal to him and most of the times i don't mind them. But taking him away without my consent when i disagree is something which hurts.

Even to my mother i have disagreed for sometings and she stays calm after that. My parents stop their limits as grand parents.

In this city i don't have much relatives/friends and can't go anywhee out of this house.. Whenever i feel down due to this issue, i Just pray to god.

Only i know his value because i didn't get him tat easily. i went through a miscarriage(14th week- heavy bleeding in house bcoz they didn take make to hospital even after spotting for several days). Reached hospital in unconsicous state and d&C done....

I passed everyday like a century while i was carrying him, thinking when i will deliver him. Delivery was induced labor from morning 4 and delivered at evening 4.45.... more than 10 stitches. Bleeding didn't stop for 3 months after delivery. survived with stitches for 1 month.. my stomach didn't go off bcoz doc advised me not to wear belt bcoz of bleeding. seeing that belly at 3rd month post partum, inlaws made fun of me to everyone that she will belike this for her lifetim..... but i came back to my normal weight and belly too at his 8th month....

jaden · May 8, 2015

Hi,
I would say speak up when your inlaws cross their boundaries.Just say no,when you dont want to send your son with them,and stand by it.Let their arque,wail but be firm with your decision.Let their be a scene,but eventually they will learn ,hopefully.

ITs really mean that they could comment on your belly after pregnancy.Yo should have made them aware then and then that they are rude and completely out of line to comment on something so personal.How heartless can people be.!!

tarasharma · May 8, 2015

At present, I would suggest you to keep quiet as you are pregnant. Your son will be yours only. Once you have your second child and are able to manage both children, start putting your foot down on your in-laws behaviour. You will have to be very strong dear. Your in-laws are silly people who are trying to capitalize on the situation.

Iamagoodgirl · May 8, 2015

OP these people are sitting on your head because you depend on them for baby sitting your son.They think since they take care of him they own him which is ridiculous.Is it possible to find a babysitter?

dimhere · May 8, 2015

abinayamadhavan said: ↑

as blood is thicker than water
Click to expand...

So you gave your DS blood, and in-laws gave him water?

Scientifically speaking, your DS has MIL's "blood" and FIL's "blood" (genes) through your DH's "blood".

FIL or MIL - who takes care of your child, how should that matter?? Even the days you're late from office, the child is safe, in trusting hands. That is all that should matter. If FIL had grabbed the child, and taken him out, would you still be angry?? Or is it okay if he takes him out without your consent, because he takes care of his grandson and sees his own father in him?

But you're right. MIL can't forcibly take your child out without your permission. You were sick, and so couldn't go. But what was the reason you didn't want him to go? To spend time with him? MIL's logic would have been: if you're too sick to visit relatives, you're too sick to spend quality time with him.

yellowmango · May 8, 2015

OP...if you want to spend more time with your son...then you need to have some ground rules.Talk to your husband and decide on when the child will be with you .You can have a rule that after you come back from office you will take care of him.The same can be done for weekends and holidays.

I think Op's vent in not just specific to one odd incidence...it is about the in laws lack of sensitivity to the needs of the mother and OP not having a say in the life of her son ...whether it is naming of her son or having a say in where and when he goes out of the house.It is indeed frustrating.