Need Suggestions to build a positive relationship with MIL

Be polite and courteous. Do not react. Take your time and respond. Leave her be, as far as her hobbies and way of life aren't imposed upon you. I would suggest that you appreciate her for her efforts but if you don't care to do something, tell her kindly and politely, "I'm not interested in that, mum!" Don't bend over backwards trying to be someone you aren't. At the same time, you could give her hobbies a shot like try a bit of embroidery.

In case of any harsh talk that you feel like reacting to harshly, calmly say, "I'm not used to people speaking like they to me, mum. Let's both calm down first and talk about it." Then walk away. Do it from the very beginning pushing back anger/ disappointment/ tears should they surface. It will get you tons and tons of respect.

Don't put her down. Don't put yourself down or let anyone else put you down. If anyone implies that you haven't been taught how to be a good bahu or whatever, give an amused expression, giggle and say, "how sweetly old fashioned!" And carry on your way without taking offence or justifying yourself. You could utmost state, "I have other strengths; you will begin noticing them." Don't argue or try to prove your point. Within a short while your opinions will matter a lot to them.

make sure you don't complain to your husband but phrase things such that your husband doesn't feel like he has to choose between you two - "mum was a bit upset I'm crap at embroidery. I tried it but I'm just not good enough nor inclined. She should come around." rather than, "how dare your mum talk this way to me."

As far as breakfasts go, tell her you love her paratas but you just can't eat them everyday and would love to make something else for yourself. Make a small batch and let everyone taste it along with their regular stuff. If they like it, you could make a bigger batch next time.

My mil used stone gadgets for grinding stuff herself though there were modern gadgets at home. When I went along she expected me to use the manual ones and ties over extending herself. From the beginning I politely refused to use them and offered consistently to do it with modern gadgets if she needed help. Now over a decade later, those expectations don't linger. However my BIL's wife tied bending over backwards and is quite often stuck with those ways. Also, I never liked their regular breakfast from the time I was little. I tried for a few days and then politely said I just couldn't bear to eat it and had alternatives for me. It was frowned upon but since I wasn't about to back off or insult their choices, they accepted it. All the explanation I need to do things my way is to repeat, "no! I'd prefer it this way." everytime someone tried to argue about me not following everything they did, blindly.

 

OP....you and your mil are extremes. This relationship is difficult even if you both were from the same culture.
Be respectful but not submissive.
Have low expectation.....don't expect motherly love.
Don't do things to please that you will not be able to do over a long period of time.Do what you can.
Don't try to be a super woman or go over board being a super dil....it is a tiring and self defeating job.
Expect change in both mil and dh after marriage. If they remain the same towards you....then you consider it a bonus.

 

You've got some great advice from Guesshoo. All I would add to this is that the punjabi language can be spoken very sweetly and harshly, depends on the type of punjabi your new family speak, and the tone of the language can sound harsher then it is meant to me. I would also have said that Punjabi's can be much more vocal and frank but then you get that in every culture.

Follow what GH has said it will see you in good stead but also go in with an open mind and arms open. Treat them as your own parents and be open to their way of life, try everything openly before making up your mind about your preferences.

 

Adisum,

It's nice to know that you are thinking ahead, and want to have a good relationship with in laws just like most of the DIL's do. But honestly I think there is no need to worry about it right away, you said your wedding is end of 2016 right ?? Gosh, that's a year and half from now. What is the hurry now ?? What would come later should be left for later, sorry it's purely my perception. Surely others would share their FB's to you.

I believe relationship with MIL's are tricky...you will learn to handle her with time. Simply put it's like "On the job training" . All the best to you.

 

I am glad you found it useful.

Not every MIL is trouble-causing. There are some fantastic MILs who extend themselves more for their DILs than their daughters just to make the DIL feel welcome. And in several cases, I feel trouble is caused not by the mil but by the expectations / prejudices from both sides.

There is no reason you can't have a frank relationship with your MIL. However to begin with, being a bit mysterious is the best, until you both slowly understand each other - just exactly the same way you would with a stranger. Except of course in this case you can't walk away like you would with a stranger if things don't go to your liking. It is important not to bear grudges or complain about your husband or relatives to her. You never know if your words may be misunderstood. Be politically correct and draw boundaries for yourself. Take everything in your stride. Be polite and pleasant. In time you can figure out how your relationship is heading.