Help in big mess!!

Dear Ilites.
I am here to talk about my husbands childhood which is affecting my current life.My husband has spoken to me about his terrible childhood wherein his father was a drunkard and used bash him every now and then.He used to be beaten by his mother too ,with slippers,belts,whatever she could lay her hands on.Reason was my husband was not really good at studies and couldnt concentrate much while his sister used to be a ranker and pretty famous in the district for sports too.He was constantly compared to her.

He was sent for tuitions for most subjects and somehow scraped through year on year. Any complaint from school would generally mean that a beating was inevitable, mother would beat using broom, steel spatulas, slippers, metal wire hangers or whatever she could lay her hands on. Else his father would physically hammer with his bare hands, slap him or use a belt to whip . The beatings used to be a frequent occurrence.


All his tuition teachers were given instructions to beat him if they felt he was out of line.


Even if he used to come home late from playing out in the evening his mother would lock the door and not open for hours, the entire building would pass him and he would be outside crying and begging her to open. The punishment did not end with that, after she would open the door, comes the beatings.

His father also had many dues due to his drinking problem which my husband has informed me before marriage.
Now after a few years of marriage they have moved in with us.The FIL doesnt seem to drink now,but constantly keeps on irritating me by being too inquisitive.If we go out ,he and mil also needs to know everything.I cannot buy anything without them knowing about it.This happens because i buy online stuff and when it gets delivered my fil stands there checking out the courier.Like this many incidents have happened where in they have crossed their boundaries,and so i have a friction with them.

Now comming to the real issue,my husband seems to be still living in the past.Its so much that he feels he isnt good at anything (told by his parents now and then),lacks confidence doesnt take up more responsibility at work etc.I have told him n no of times that he needs to let go of his past.But this doesnt seems to be helping him.When he deals with his father i have literally seen him getting irritated and losing his cool.However both mil and fil now shower him with too much of attention.My hubby feels nice too and still has a lot of affection for his mother (not sure why after all the incidences he has told me ).Seems like both his parents since they are really old,now know that they depend on him.I feel its all selfish reasons.They just make use of him,eg like a driver to take them to hospitals and for financial stability.My MIL owns relation with her husband is screwed up hence she depends emotionally on my husband.To an extent time and again i feel she is jealous if me and my hubby go out somewhere or are having a nice time.

All the things my husband has told me ,makes me hate my in laws,however i need to live with these.I know they are selfish and mean and are just using my husband now while his sister doesnt even bother about her own parents.Just come once a year to meet up and goes for shopping instead.I am not sure what to do in this situation.

Sorry for the long post.

 

I feel all the incidences here has gone far beyond the definition of just bad parenting.Its bordering on physical abuse and traumatic childhood.Had i posted all the incidences inflicted upon a wife by a husband ,i am sure many people here will ask me to file a suit and to get out of these peoples life.My hubby has told me n number of times,that he had thought about running away many times but what prevented him from doing so is he had no one and no where to go to.

 

My Husband has suffered complex trauma.Complex trauma can have devastating effects on a child’s physiology, emotions, ability to think, learn, and concentrate, impulse control, self-image, and relationships with others. Across the life span, complex trauma is linked to a wide range of problems, including addiction, chronic physical conditions, depression and anxiety, self-harming behaviors, and other psychiatric disorders.

**I have seen many traits of the above(maybe not all) in my husbands behavior.He has had problems with his bosses at work,has been given a warning to take up more responsiblities,and lots of issues with me too in the initial years of our marriage.

I know you mean well but its beyond the realms of *Bad Parenting*.