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I am in deep trouble, please help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by KanikaMehra, Apr 29, 2015.

  1. KanikaMehra

    KanikaMehra New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    I am going through a number of issues. Everything is killing me. I have voiced my concerns earlier and I have some more concerns as well. I am not able to handle it and I would like to share it with you all.

    I have been married for two years and I am pregnant now. My in laws are orthodox, demanding and controlling, specially my mother in law. When I got married, I used to work in a nice company and I was happy with the fact that I am spending most of my time outside the house so that I don’t have to face my in laws until evening. My mother in law is an expert in creating new issues and making my life hell. My husband was also working in the same company as mine and he had also started a new business side by side. He asked me to leave the company and work for his company. I was reluctant and I had no intentions of leaving that job. He pressurized me and we started fighting over it. I finally decided to leave my job for him. My husband and his partners had taken a place on rent and started office operations from there. I joined that office and started working with a new zeal.

    After a year, there were some issues with the business partners and my PC was locked. I was asked to go home for no reason. I tried talking to everyone because my work was going on fine but nobody had an answer for this. Now since a month I am home, I am 4 months pregnant and I have to live at home with my in laws. I tried applying for various other jobs but because of the pregnancy, nobody is ready to give me a job although I have an experience of 6 years in SEO, social media management and online marketing.

    My mother in law literally feels like she is the wife of my husband. She wants all his money, she wants the complete control over the house, she wants everything her way and if that does not happen, she will create a scene. Earlier I have told my husband to leave this house and stay separately but my in laws and my husband’s sisters created a big scene and they also come at my house to create a scene there. I have done a love marriage, my husband has his parents and three sisters and they are all married. My parents don’t support me much because they had warned me against this marriage and that time I said that I trust my husband and I am sure he will keep me happy; but that never happened. When I got married, I had no idea that my husband is completely a puppet of his mom and my FIL has no say in the house. Everybody has to bow their heads in front of my MIL. At present, my situation is going from bad to worst! I have to move around in the house according to the instructions of my mother in law, I have no job and I have to ask for money from my husband (after paying the house loan installment, most of his money is taken by my MIL), I can’t make any good changes in the house. If I tell this to my husband he says I will do something but all he does is avoiding everything. I feel like I am in prison and I am punished for something. I am 4 months pregnant and depressed. Please help me. Even though my husband gives monthly expenses to my in laws, my MIL keeps asking for money every day. I feel like this house is not mine at all.

    I have no idea where my husband’s money goes. He will never stay separately with me and since 2 and a half years I am not able to adjust with my in laws. I can’t take all this nuisance; I keep shuffling from this house to my parent’s house, to avoid clashes. I don’t want to live with my in laws; I don’t want to keep fighting. I was used to a work schedule but it’s been a long time since I am not employed, I am sitting in my room the whole day doing nothing. She will keep coming to my room and saying weird things to me. I am so sick and tired of everything. I am really frustrated.
     
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  2. hope2b

    hope2b Silver IL'ite

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    Go home to your folks until your delivery. You are pregnant and that you stay calm and happy is and should be your priority. Deal with H from your home. Pack your bags and stay with your folks. Your parents will support you and your baby, if not H.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Make a long term plan...this time on your terms.Use this break to educate yourself further.Think of this as a break to better your job prospects. Give it your all now. Learn Learn Learn.

    After the baby is born....look for a part time or work from home option. Save money...then look at your life and the options you have. Don't plan another baby till your husband makes a proper commitment to you and your child...both emotionally and financially.If he can't control his life ...he doesn't deserve to be a husband or a father.

    Once you get a job....don't ever let anyone decide ifv you should work or not.
     
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  4. KanikaMehra

    KanikaMehra New IL'ite

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    @hope2b : I thought of this option of going to my parents home till the delivery. But I am afraid that my MIL will create a big scene again and she will come to my house to fight with my parents as well. I am already going through a lot and I cant let my parents go through it. So I am confused about doing this.

    @yellowmango : I thought if I get pregnant, maybe my husband will support me and become more responsible towards me, but that's not the case. After pregnancy, I will start looking for a job again and I will make sure that no one will have any say in it.

    Apart from this, I am also worried that my MIL is going to create problems when I deliver the child. I don't know if my husband will be able to support me then. If I have to go to work, how will I manage things? where will I keep the baby?
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Look for part time jobs when the child is about a year old....till then study...learn.or opt for an on line job where you can work for a few hrs.
    Also try to mend fences with parents.Accept that you were not wise to ignore their advice.Saying sorry to parents is not very difficult. Show them that you care for them and their views.No matter how angry they may be...they will want to be a part of your child's life. If they stay in the same place as you....you could visit them more often.It will give you breathing space.

    For now...just study ...even if it is informally. Check out the changes that have happened in the job front. Brush up on that.....and ignore the rest of the drama.It is better for you and the baby. Studying and gaining knowledge during pregnancy while ignoring the rest of the drama is the best gift you can give to your baby.
     
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  6. Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    Please dont get so worked up. Its not good for the baby.

    First - patch up with your parents. Tell them u need their support and say sorry.

    Step2: Record your MIL/ SILs creating scene. even voice recording is fine

    Step3: Have a proper chat with your husband. No crying. No arguing. Have a chat. You can just copy paste what u wrote here into an email and send it to him.Tell him you will not tolerate any nonsense from his parents/sisters. Since you are pregnant, you dont want any stress. Tell your husband he MUST ensure there will be no "scene creation" from them. If they create a scene, he MUST handle it

    Step4: Go to your parents place and cut all contacts with your mil and sil. Absolutely no talking to them even when provoked. If they come to your parents place, dont open the door. or just walk away or even ask them to leave. make it clear that you are not willing to discuss anything.

    Step5: If ur husband calls, clearly spell out your terms to him. reassure him that you both will look after parents when they get old. Tell him clearly that his sisters, his mom - no one will leave their partners for him. They happily live their lives and create havoc in your marriage. Its LIFE for you both, its just entertainment for them! If he doesnt call, ask that moron to lick his moms feet all his life. Let him get lost.

    While all this is running in the background, stay in ur parents house and try to update ur skills. Remember, DONT cry, DONT argue with husband/ inlaws. They will all use the arguement against you.

    Leave ur husband alone for sometime. He needs to understand and think about what you said to him.

    I know men who are born to serve their moms and sisters. They feel guilty about leading a happy life with wife. Such fools are better left alone all their lives. They are very insecure and are constantly trying to please mom/sis at the cost of wife!
     
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  7. Daenerys

    Daenerys Senior IL'ite

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    @jas8085 summed up what I had in mind!
    More than anything you need complete support of someone- either your parents or your husband. I dont think the latter will happen overnight, thanks to your MIL. Approach your parents, Im sure they will support you. Give it to them saying they were right. Indeed they have been. They guessed the family dynamic correctly. Your husband might be an awesome guy but MIL always truimphs in bad situations.
    For now take care of yourself and then the baby. You are an experienced professional, you will surely get a job once your pregnancy is over.
     
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  8. Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    Honey, please don't worry about job/baby. Does your mum stay at home? You can leave your baby with mum, arrange a fulltime maid and go to work. The maid will even help with household work.

    Stay strong and prove to your husband that you are not dependent on him for anything. Not even for being happy. Be happy, be strong, that positivity will bring him to you.

    You will realize this a few years after having your baby - parents will do ANYTHING for their children to be happy. You will get a lot of support from your parents - just try.

    ---------

    what problems do you think MIL will create when u deliver? When you don't speak 1 word to her, where is the question of creating problems? If she says anything, bring your husband into it - let him handle her. (This is AFTER you tighten his nuts in private that you will NOT take bull**** from his folks). You Don't respond To her directly. If necessary, make it clear via ur dh that she will have access to your child ONLY if she stops messing with your life.

    His 3 sisters, keep them totally out of your life. Just cut them off. Reward good behavior by saying hi-hello ONLY when they are good to you. You are not obligated to keep these many people happy. Tell ur husband that you will only try to keep him happy (provided he too tries his best to keep you happy) and just be respectful to the rest (provided they are respectful to you). Make DH understand that it's all give and take at every step.
     
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  9. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree with jas!:thumbsup
     
  10. KanikaMehra

    KanikaMehra New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much everyone for the thoughtful insights. I am still trying to put up with the in laws and I am still staying here. Although, I am surely considering the option of moving to my parent’s place till the delivery of my baby.

    Please tell me one more thing. Currently we have a cook who comes and makes lunch and dinner. My mother in law wants to control everything in the kitchen. If I tell the cook that don’t make the food very spicy and oily, then my MIL will come and tell her exactly the opposite. My MIL she wants the control on the entire house, is that fine?

    I feel like a stranger at this place because everything is done by her. I am at home and I feel like taking control and doing things my way but she won’t let me do that. She wont arge for anything but she will change things her way always.
    You think I should just be quite about this?
     

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