Very much irritated

Please do not think it is the fact that you do not know music that is making your in-laws behave this way. My sister was berated for not eating food with coconut "despite being from kerala"

My in-laws have no leaning towards music or dance. On the other hand, my home is always filled with the sound of carnatic music. In my case, they laugh at me for being interested.

What do my sister and I do? We both take it in one ear and let it out the other.

The only thing I would be concerned with is the lack of a relationship between your husband and parents. That is what needs to be rectified first. Once he starts having a good relationship with your parents, your relationship on the whole will automatically improve.

 

You need to talk to ur husband and tell him that your parents deserves as much respect as his. Ask him how he would feel if you were to treat his parents the same way as he treated yours?

 

Did they not know you had not learnt Karnatic Music before marriage? If such a condition was there, why did they not ask before? In-laws will always try to find fault with the upbringing of DILs and this is just a reason for them to pick on. Ignore this, dont feel bad, dont explain, its no big deal, as long as you feel bad about not learning music you will get affected. You can still learn, start taking classes, many women in my family learnt along with their kids after marriage and in their 40s, 50s they had even done Vidwat and teaching themselves. There are many online classes, learn for free, learn some songs, devaranamas and you will feel good about it.


If you were a working woman, what stops you from applying again? Financial independence will give you confidence to ignore a lot of matters.

You will have to develop some confidence and act like nothing affects you, that your in-laws are visiting YOUR home, you are the queen of your own house, they are just guests, treat them well, but never be submissive and obedient. Regarding your parents, unless your husband respects them do not invite, your parents will feel worse, but keep talking to them and telling that they are important to you like your inlaws are imp to his parents without fighting about it.

 

Dear Ksubha,
i can understand your situation. This is the average mindset of many brahmin families. A DILs' duty is towards her inlaws house only and her husband is under no obligation to think/care for his wife's parents/family. My husband has also been brought up with this thinking only. Only thing, i can say is that your situation will improve only if you try to find a job and start working outside the home and have some financial independence. Even then there may be a lot of other grouses, but you will be in a position to ignore and do what you think is right. If it is not possible to work, at least try to convince your husband (which may not be easy) that he can expect your courteous behaviour towards his family, provided he also reciprocates. It is an uphill task - this basic thinking/upbringing is very difficult to change - my experience of more than 30 years of married life. If u cannot change their thinking, hold your stand and do not be cowed down by feeling inferior etc. Maintain a normal relationship with your inlaws but do not go out of the way to heed to their commands etc. Cultivate some hobbies and keep yourself mentally free. You do not need their approval for this. Wish you well.

 

As suggested take up a job, it will improve you psychologically a lot. Try to talk to your mother about the current inappropriate position in ur house with regards to bringing her over there. I am sure ur dh will not be agreeing, and moreover u don't want ur parents to come and be verbally hurt. It is better that they don't come until u have a better relationship with ur dh. Is ur dh physically abusive in which case the entire answer I will give need be different. I am just telling from what u have written.

 

I agree this is mindset of brahmin families. Control is with you. Just dont give in to every demand and say you have to do everything. Slowly change the situation. Give respect to yourself. Try to get some good friends. Starting point is your child`s school mate etc.

Get hold of some work which will build up your confidence. Go to library and get some book of your choice. Allocate some free time for yourself.

I gained a lot from good advices through my online friends !

Good Luck............

 

@Ksubha, why cant you even visit your parents? That is so wrong of your husband. Ask him how he will feel if he cannot see his parents, how is it different for you? You have to tell your mother clearly the thinking of your in-laws and husband in this matter.

Please go back to working again, get some confidence, you are being treated like a prisoner, very much controlled...do share with us so that we can understand better, did something happen because of which your husband avoids your parents?

 

If you are not aware of the "things a DIL is supposed to know," your upbringing will be blamed.
If your mom has trained you well in music/rituals/what not, you and your mom will be called "too proud and chalu."

Satisfying PILs is like chasing a moving target-most are never happy no matter what the DIL does.

Carnatic music has nothing to do with your situation. It could have been anything-cooking, fasting, teaching slokas to kid etc.
The problem I see here is lack of confidence on your part.

You have let them make you feel that you are not good enough for your family. And you have let your H walk all over you.

If he does not want to meet with/talk to your parents, that's his problem. You should not let that determine your actions concerning your parents. Continue to meet them, call them over etc. You behave with them the way you usually do. Being a homemaker does not mean that your are your husband's slave.

Please remember that parents are getting old, and have their feelings too. One fine day you must not look back and realize that you have missed to be with them in their last years.
I guess your situation also implies that your parents are not spending time with your son. Your H or PILs or not even you has the right to deprive the grandchild of this time with grandparents.