PRIORITY: Family, Friends, Colleagues Vs In-laws and their Relatives

drnamshara · Apr 19, 2015

Hello All..

Another obstacle in the rising...and I am back here for a vent and for advises of-course!

After I left in-laws home I could visit my parents home town more often as I did not anymore need to spend sleepless nail biting nights planning and strategising how to approach MIL and take permission to go home!!!! :shaking:

Since dad was hospitalized in September I had to keep going every month. DH visited dad in hospital...and then just one more time after discharge.
December was my last visit too, as I got very busy with work and studies.

Mom has been repeatedly requesting us to come home and spend time with dad and her. But as DH had on-site assignment in between, we could not plan.
Now on a sabbatical I have been pleading with DH to plan our trip to home. (If I go alone they will grumble :-/)

DH came back from his parents place one weekend and said MIL is wanting a picnic as she is bored at home. So until that fulfills we cant plan to go to my home town and irk MIL!!!!
I am raged at this. But dont say a word. Patience. Patience.

I finally convince DH to plan the home visit in May clubbed with a friends wedding in a near by town...and told him I cannot miss. He agreed. As I almost booked tickets for the travel: A BOMB DROPS!

Some far far cousin of DH has his house warming ceremony that particular weekend. And hence I have to cancel the wedding plan!!!!! Witsend
I put my foot down only to see things get ugly!
Apparently I have some major ritualistic "feminine role" to play in that ceremony. And hence I am needed to attend without fail!

I dont know this cousin. Never heard. Never seen. Never spoke.
And I have to cancel all my plans for this???? How fair is it!!!! :bang

DH says we will visit my parents some other time!!!

I am so angry. My identity and my people cease to exist just cause I am married and given away to another house hold??????
And go to such ceremonies and be judged for my lack of ritualistic knowledge...judged for my saree, my jewelry my hair!!! What happy time do I look forward to in such states of suffocation!!!

I dont want bitter time with DH.
But wedding seasons become a torture choosing between what I want and what I am compelled to! And to this thing my own mom says "Thats the way it is"...if not you must have chosen a bachelor life forever!!! :shock:

How does one prioritize? Please advice your experiences....

butterflyice · Apr 19, 2015

My order of priority is Kids, DH, Parents, In-laws and then the rest of the relatives.

Go visit your parents. Its long due. If your DH is so keen on attending the house-warming, he can go by himself. If you don't attend, tongues will wag. If you attend tongues will wag again about jewellery, saris etc. You will never win this game. Treat these occasions with the same disdain that is accorded to you.

Enjoy your time with parents. Tell them your DH (if he doesnt accompany you), he is attending another function and representing you there just as you are representing him here.

VaniVyas · Apr 19, 2015

My Order of priority is ( same as @butterflyice)

My DD, DH, my parents, My In laws, My extended relatives ( some relatives of mine are a big no to me).
Now you must tell ur DH that more than the marriage visiting your father is important. So this marriage was planned not for merry making with relatives but with an other purpose too.
House warming can be attended by his parents and you and ur DH can decide to visit them sometime later with a gift.

beingloved · Apr 19, 2015

Make YOURSELF the priority. If you want to visit your parents, do it with or without your husband even if it makes your parents grumble. Find your happiness and peace of mind by your deeds, without depending upon others..!!

armummy · Apr 19, 2015

Your dad is unwell, why are you waiting and pleading your husband to make a trip to parents , you plan it and tell him that you both are visiting. If he refuses , you go alone just like your husband visits his family alone.

Why make an excuse of wedding to visit an unwell parent. Since your made a wedding excuse , you are in a fix now, you husband may say it is more important for him to attend his relatives function rather than your friends wedding he does know.

Go visit your parent first then think about other functions.

guesshoo · Apr 19, 2015

You need to visit your parents by yourself first. Women go and conquer the world; why do we need to go only as a couple to see our own parents??? Beats me. Just book your tickets and go. Just the next weekend if possible. Don't offer any explanations. If anyone objects, give a blank look and say, "I want to see my parents why should I not?" After all your dh visits his every weekend.

The wedding, that will be a different ballgame. You decide what; if I were you, I would go to the wedding of someone I know and care for - BY MYSELF, if it comes to it - rather than some random occasion of a random stranger.

yellowmango · Apr 19, 2015

Let his mother fulfill the feminine duties at the cousin's housewarming.
You go to your parents place,with or without him. Tell your parents you are married to an insensitive man and they better get used to you visiting them alone. Tell them you have enough people guilt tripping you in life....you don't need your parents to guilt trip you too.

sunshine1970 · Apr 21, 2015

In this century men need to accompany woman everywhere??? You should go see your parents and sooner if possible. You should go even sooner then May, go when convenient for you, don't understand why you need your DH to come? You let him go visit his mom and don't say anything, and I have read your previous posts, she was so mean to you. I have a lot of respect for you and what you have gone through, I know you are educated young lady, go through the next phase and visit your parents alone. Explain situation to your parents and if they don't understand then I would tell them Iwill not visit them, your mom needs to be more understanding, but you can't change her, I would spend less time with her if she does not come around.

drnamshara · Apr 22, 2015

Oh buoy!!!! MAJOR TWIST IN THE EVENTS!!!

There is a wedding on Sunday at MILs village . ILs, Me, DH, SIL and her lil one too were supposed to attend. I was looking forward to it comfortably as SILs DS is like a buffer to the negative vibes of my MIL. We have real good time when she is around...forgetting all frustrations.

Today I was in need of an immediate medical checkup for a spine ailment and the doctor I consulted wrote a couple of tests which cost an earth!!!
As mom has forever had medi cover for the whole family at a hospital in home town me and mom decided that I should prepone my May visit and spend the whole of this week with them instead of a weekend later. But as mom has deadlines this week, I get to spend just the Sunday with her fully.

I came out of the hospital and called DH to say I need to leave to home town ASAP.

He says cooool leave tonight itself...but come back by Saturday as you cannot miss the Sunday wedding!!!!!! I WAS SHOCKEDDD!!! mg:
ISNT THIS GETTING RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!

I told him my check up is vital and mom is not free during weekdays. I cant be selfish and take insurance favors from her and not spend even a day with her!!!!

She is more important than some unknown cousin whose name even he doesnt know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I put my foot down and things got pretty ugly!!!

I feel there is some thing fishy here as he never behaves this adamant! Some force behind him!!

SILs DH also had major issues with our MIL and he hasn't visited them since an year now though they stay in same neighborhood! Drops SIL and her DS at the gate...but doesn't enter in!!!
Even while I plan family picnics to jel in the outdoor with ILs...he pleads me to keep him out of it and doesnt agree to come unless just me, DH SIL, he and baby go!!!

And ILs & DH have no problem with him keeping away... cause HE IS THE Son-IL?? :idontgetit:

SIL was supposed to come with us on Sunday! Thats what she told me and we planned a shopping on Friday too! and now i learnt from her DH that they are actually attending the pre-nuptial ceremonies of Saturday itself and SIL wont come with us on Sunday as she is joining a new job from Monday...

Dis she lie to me with good intentions???? Just to bring me and MIL together????

I requested DH saying let me for your sake attend the pre-nuptial ceremony and leave Saturday night. He doesn't agree to that and hangs up the fone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What kind of attitude is this I wonder!!! I fear the consequences of rebelling! :-(