Living along with MIL who hates me and not giving enough care to my daughter

apoorva1582 · Apr 18, 2015

Hello all,

Its been some time that I have come online. Today, I desperately feel the need to express. My husband has a new job and has moved to Chennai and currently living with his sister. I am based out in bangalore and liver alone here with my MIL and an active 2 year old toddler. My MIL is the main carer for my daughter. When we started to introduce solid foods to my daughter, my MIL became the main carer. My daugther eats and feeds only if my MIL feeds her. She wont even eat a single bite from me. This has ensured my MIL berating, shouting and abusing me. Cant tolerate her verbal abuse. MY daughter's is under-weight. Even though we both of us earn, my MIL never feeds enough. Our doctor's advice is to feed her 6 times a day. Maximum she feeds her three times like an adult and that too not enough. Food is still in paste format.. she has not taught her to chew. My baby will go hungry but never ask for food.

MIL abuses me that I am not a good mother, i dont feed my baby, i am worthless. I am unable to tolerate. all i want is my baby to live as I already had a stillbirth. EVen I try to ask my DH to make sure that somehow he persuades her to give enough feeding to baby, he supports her completely and says let the baby go hungry. how do such people exist? how can a growing child survive with no food?

I am the one handling the entire banglore home management. but for my MIL I dont do anything. on top of this, in two days, my SIL and a big horde of relatives are arriving with their children. with those people, my daughter's care is a big question? as a mom, my only concern is my daughter to eat well. my MIL is a big kanjoos and she has this thing about "daughters/girls inferior" and only sons must have everything.
what to do? Pls help.

CrayoNess · Apr 18, 2015

Do you work and that is why your MIL is your childs carer? You are not able to move to Chennai?

sindmani · Apr 18, 2015

try to keep maid for feeding and taking care of ur daughter plus house hold cleaning when u go to office. Ask the maid to feed the baby 6 times. U will also have less work at home.

armummy · Apr 18, 2015

There is no point fighting with MIL on this, she is taking care of your daughter so she won't listen to your advise.

Take leave and try getting away to your parents place for a week . You MIL will not be there and you can use this time to feed the child . Once she gets used to this , you can continue at home whenever you are there at home.

Keep a maid to take care of her in your absence , you can give her directions as you want.

second , how old is your daughter , can she ho to play school. This will help the baby to get interaction with others and then she will take some snack to school and may help develop her eating habits.

you should try to take over caring for your baby and meals for your baby after you come from office and weekends.

what is your long term plan , is your husband going to stay in Chennai and you Bangalore or any plans to shift.

pear · Apr 18, 2015

Your child is your responsibility.

You cant expect/force your MIL to take responsibility.

What she is doing for you (3 times feeding) is a help ,appreciate her if you could(you cant even make her eat a bite).

Why you cant make your kid to eat ? whats wrong with your approach to the kid?

She wont eat with you ,so its the MILs responsibility to do 6 times feeding doh1
I simply couldnt understand your logic.

Now you discover as your MIL not liking a girl child could be the reason for her actions.

Come the summer you dont want her girl/other relatives to come home,so she could look after your kid better.Its fair not to allow her to pamper her girl and the other grand kids?

Iam surrounded by so many working moms in my family who took day off in each stages of the babies growth .Every weekend they introduce new food ,so that they could be with the baby to face the after effects if any.One of my co-sis took a month off just to toilet train her child before sending the child to school as she cant expect her old mom to do that.

Working woman or no working woman you cant transfer your responsibility to others .Figure out a way to take care of your child.Mom is a mom,a grandmom is not a mom.

If your MIL dont want to take care of your kid opt for other options.No, you cant fight with your MIL or blame her for your kids under weight problem.No your temper fights with your MIL is not going to improve her in kid feeding.No you cant expect your DH to pressurize his mom to feed the child more.

You have a problem in your childs food intake analyse a solution,stop looking around for somebody to take responsibility for that.

A family should live as a unit ,look for a solution to bring your family under one single roof.

Relax your mind to tackle your problem.No use getting tensed.

Laks09 · Apr 18, 2015

OP - Two years old isn't a baby. She should be self feeding slowly. Instead of fighting with Her to eat, it is best you start training her to eat on her own. Else, even when she is 4/5/6 you will be running after her to eat. Start by giving your daughter some independence. All kids hate being fed at this stage. Buy a high chair, put her in it and start slowly. First few days just give her snacks on it. Put some Cheerios or apple pieces on a steel plate and keep it in front of her. Let her enjoy her freedom. Slowly move on to pieces of idly/dosa etc. after a while she will even start with rice.
Regarding your MIL, she will do what she thinks is right since she is the little one's care giver. You can't really expect her to follow what you want to do with the kid. It's best you take the initiative in the evenings and weekends and let mil slowly do the same during the day. It's exhausting to care for a toddler full time, especially feed a picky eater. Cut her some slack. If you think she cannot manage, hire a nanny. Or rethink your work.

yellowmango · Apr 18, 2015

Your child is your and your husband's responsibility. Spend more time with her.Get husband to spend more time with her. Get a maid to do the other work you are busy with. Spend it with daughter......

Getting a child to eat to your satisfaction is the more frustrating part of parenthood.Don't beat yourself up if she doesn't eat everything offered.Very few children do.Let mil feed three meals....you plan the other three.It is not going to be easy...it rarely is.

Eg....You could pack on snack in a attractive tiffin....lime juice in a bottle ,put it in a bag.....tell her she is practicing going to school......let her sit under the table or some other interesting place and have her picnic.

You could ask her to have a party with her dolls.

You could give her snack in toy utensils.

Tell her to be a big girl at dinner time and eat with everyone.You could reward her with a story at bed.

abla · Apr 19, 2015

Hi OP ! When you depend on someone else completely for taking care of your daughter that will give them space to yell at you and criticize you as a mother . Feeding a picky kid 6 times a day is no easy task. May be MIL is frustrated too . Take over the feeding when you are home (assuming you are working during the day ) Daughter is refusing to eat from you as she is used to your MIL only.This will change with continuous practice .
Yes 2 year old should be sitting on a chair on her own at the dining table eating by herself .Be creative in presenting the food .Let her have some fun as well while setting the plate,arranging the food etc . That will inspire her to eat .And provide some snacks in between .Drinks like Pediasure etc will help if she is underweight ( I am not sure she being underweight is her Pediatrician's opinion or your MIL's )
Look into sending her to a play school at least few hours a day everyday or even few days a week . Seeing other kids playing and eating will encourage her too .

Sparkle · Apr 19, 2015

@apoorva1582:

You already have good inputs on how to help your daughter self feed, play schooling her, hiring a nanny etc.

I also want to point out few things:
- You mentioned that your daughter eats only when your MIL feeds her. After you come back from work and before you leave for work - at these two times you have to feed your daughter or teach her to self-feed if that works (that's 2 meals for you to handle and that way your MIL will also get a break; feeding 2 year old 6 times in a day is tough). Initially she might resist, but she will get adjusted slowly. During these meals you can also try and introduce meals that are not paste-like and teach her to chew her food.

- In the feud between you and your MIL, your daughter is the one getting affected the most. One likes it or not, it is said, always a mother is responsible for her children. I want to say father too, but most often it doesn't happen that way. (In your case, your husband is not helping either!?) When things go wrong, its always the mothers fault. When something good is done by children, a hundred people will rush in to take credit for it. Anyone and everyone will be ready to blame a mother for the tiniest mistakes. So just ignore your MIL's comments and focus on your daughter.

- If your MIL thinks of girls to be inferior, those are her thoughts and you cannot change that. (That makes her daughter inferior to her son. Apply that logic on her and you will see how silly that is) If she is not helping, hire a person to help take care of your baby.

- How long are your relatives going to stay? Can you call your parents to stay with you and help you for a while?

- Setting one's priorities right is very important especially after having kids. For how long are you and your husband going to work in separate cities? If its long-term, such setup will cause more trouble for you and your daughter.

1Sandhya · Apr 19, 2015

op,

forget about your mil and your dynamics with her for now. I found following 2 things in your post noteworthy

1. your kid is underweight. dr has also pointed this out and asked you to feed more often.

2. she will not touch food from you.

okay now from 1 it is clear this is a real problem, not some imginary or ego related problem. Failure to thrive and malnutrition are very serious matters and you must act to ensure your childs proper nutrition. These years of infancy are critical for her proper development and grwoth and i would suggest you go the extra mile and make that extra effort where she is concerned.
As far as 2 is concerned, now i find 2 extremely odd. why is she not eating when you feed her? something is fishy here. And you have to get to the bottom of it. Could it be that your mil is feeding her right before you come home so she is full when you try to feed or some other gol maal is going on. whatever the case you cannot let this continue. you must feed her by yourself. like another poster suggested remove your kid from this situation. take her to your parents home for a few days and master the art of feeding her. figuring out this matter and solving it quickly is essential for your dd's health. It is more impt than your job or any other thing going on right now so take a few days leave if necessary. once you figure out exactly what your dd likes to eat and how she likes to eat it -- hot, cold, straight from stove, grazing, walking around etc you appoint a maid who will carry out your instructions to the letter while you go to your job. best of luck. it is tough in the short term bu it can be done.