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MIL Provoking DH

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by indianwifey, Apr 16, 2015.

  1. indianwifey

    indianwifey New IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I need suggestions on my current situation. Just a brief: I am married from last 3.5 years and have 1 yr old baby. I am a working lady living with my ILs. Since beginning of my married life, my MIL tried to control every bit of our life, she used to enquire every bit of detail from my DH and will provoke him against me. I was in total against of this. I asked this many times from DH and he accepted but again he repeated same as MIL is smart enough to bring things out. Ultimately I have raised this to upper level as this was badly impacting our relationship, I put this condition forward many times and finally my FIL and DH committed that this will not happen. Things kept on going.. god gifted with wonderful baby…
    During my maternity leaves, I tried to have a good bond with my MIL and I gave it best and she was also talking nice to me, I thought things are getting better now. Then I joined office, she was taking care of my baby in my absence. Suddenly one day, she created drama and said hell loads of things. I was shattered as according to me things were going fine now. To know the actual story, I did something unethical here. I used a hidden voice recorder and came to know this is still happening. I was shocked to listen that she was bitching about me to everyone and said some really bad things. Also She still enquires from my DH, does loads of back bitting to him and is not missing a single chance to provoke him against him. She is misleading him with certain wrong things. For example: I am working and gets up 6:30 and sleeps by 11 or 12 with full day packed, still she keeps on complaining that I don’t care about anyone and even about my son. She is mixing duties of housewife and working lady. If after coming back I want to play with my son, she portrayed this in a way that I fear that my son will only be loyal to his grandmother so I take him away. What rubbish!!
    I am unable to digest all this and I have always tried my best to care, love my hubby. I have always asked me to discuss openly if he has problem with me. I can’t bear MIL’s this behavior. I can bear what all rubbish she is telling to others but what all she is saying to DH is somewhat impacting his behavior. In this manner, our relationship will never become strong. I want to stop this and now if I tell that I recorded then all focus wud be on why I did recording and my points wud be lost…
    Any suggestions on how to handle this…
     
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  2. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP
    does your H get provoked and fight you from MILs stories?
    You are working and have a small baby so you definitely need someone elder to take care of stuff. Also true is that, no matter what you do, she is not going to be happy. If you start not playing with your baby, directly in kitchen from office, work like maid at home and office, she will find something. Its about nature.

    Some women have habit or better word - nature of taunting or finding faults in Hs or kids or DILs are most victims.

    I would say, if you can bear her nature and can train your H, not to follow in her trap and create problems in relationship.. that would be best you could get.
    Some men are really understanding about their mom's and wife's situation and do manage it. But those men are rare and those lucky women too.
     
  3. Luckyangel

    Luckyangel Senior IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    If you were having problems with your MIL since the beginning, why do you want her to take care of your baby? Do you have an option to live separately? Living in a joint family is not easy and especially with MIL and DIL there's always some or the other mis understanding. Does your MIL help in managing the house, cooking etc.. What help are you doing from your side? Your MIL might feel that you are not helping her and you are just busy with office work and stuff. You should appreciate the fact that she's taking care of a small baby in this age. It's very stressful to take care of babies the whole day and you say you are tracking the details of what she talks in a voice recorder! This is very unfair. What if she had done the same to you? Listening to what you talk about her behind her back? How you would have felt? Bitching about you with her relatives and friends is definitely not a good thing, and it's obvious that you are angry and upset about it.
    Instead of making things complicated, try to resolve the issue and ask her directly if something's bothering her? Proper communication will help resolve many things. Don't even make the mistake of telling that you had hidden a voice recorder..you will mess up things and put yourself in trouble! Try to make peace with your MIL because she's helping you with baby sitting and you are able to work or else it's better to live seperately to avoid these daily issues with MIL.
     
  4. indianwifey

    indianwifey New IL'ite

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    Thanks for ur replies...

    I am living and have adjusted with them because my husband will never live separately... Also for her taking care of my baby... I have put forward that I can extend my leaves or even leave my job but she only said she can take care of.... Even after my baby completed 4 months... She started insisting me to join back where as I decided to take atleast an yr break...

    Yes I am helping her... Dinner I am only preparing... In morning.. I take care of brkfst of my hubby n me... And pack lunch... Despite... I am doing partial dusting n all other stuff too... But she will never be satisfied...

    Even before joining office... I asked her to keep a maid and till now raised this many times for her help only.. But she doesn't want to keep a maid... We have one for cleaning n utensils... I asked for other stuffs which she has to do when I am at office...

    I tried to solve with her many times... Bt she is double faced... Is diff in front of me and my hubby...

    About DH, I talked to him many times... In front of me.. He accepts he will nt repeat but actually I think he doesn't want to hurt his mom...

    About recorder... I knw its unethical but after 3.5 years... I have to do this as I was not getting exact picture... Despite of my efforts and so much love n care for DH... He used to say things which I knew were fed to him...

    I am really upset as she is spoiling our relationship....
     
  5. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Stop listening to what people talk behind your back for your own peace of mind.You wont even like what your own mom or dad talks behind your back.So its a surefire way to spoil your relationship beyond repair and lose your peace of mind.Yeah dear its tough to make your MIL praise you .Be practical to accept that MILs will always be MILs.She wont need specialized info from your DH to make an issue ,even your mere visit to a doc for a cold could be the base. Dont crucify your poor dh for giving out info,it could only raise the tension level.

    You mentioned something about a bust from her,it could be because of her physical exhaustion of looking after an active kid.So make an alternate help to avoid further damage.She may have been so eager to look after the kid ,but it clearly shows that she couldnt physically manage.Offer her help in front of your dh,you could even pressurize your dh to be present to cox her to take extra help.

    Life is not bed of roses ,just be thankful that your path is not as thorny compared to others.

    Ps; Destroy the tape and dont think of that method again.It would simply double your trouble.
     
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  6. indianwifey

    indianwifey New IL'ite

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    @Pear: Thanks for the suggestions. Even I come to similar conclusion.... I decided not to use that device again.... and i talk to my hubby indirectly and explained him in details... and yes I need to talk to DH about this frequently and keep him updated about activities at home...
     

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