Would you go ? Please advice what I should do

Hi IL's,

Hope you are doing well. I wanted to share my worries and seek your advice on what I should be doing.
Here's the scenario:

I live in the US with my husband and 2 kids. Life since my marriage was awful. Since day 1 of my wedding my In Laws created hell in my life. Long story short, its been 10 years now and the wounds they have made has still not healed. They were never happy for us in any of our happy moments (like having kids, buying a house etc and were never there for us when we needed somebies help like undergoing a surgery etc). My husband and I have handled everything all by ourselves in the US. They have 3 sons and my hubby the eldest. They gave emotional troubles to my hubby and me and are extremely nice and generous to the other 2 sons and 2nd DIL. They all live in India.
My hubby's last, 3rd brother is getting married. They all want us to go for this wedding. My IL's especially my MIL has become sooooo sweet all of a sudden with me and my hubby. Since last 10 years she has only created problems and talked ill about me and my husband. She even spoiled our name in front of all the relatives by telling all lies about us. Now she is talking to me so nice and acts like she cares for me. The only reason being that they want us to attend the wedding. They did the wedding of the 2nd son without us and now since people will talk ill about them if we do not go, they want us to be present for the wedding else people will ask where are your older son and DIL and kids.

My situation in the US is, I have one 7 year old child and my 2nd one is almost 2 years old and will be 2.5 years old during the wedding. I have never been to india since last 7 years. It will be the 1st time for my kids. My 2nd one is especially very troublesome with food and other things. Its been so many years since we went to India, so if we go this time we will have travles to many God Places/Temples which are in other cities, his wedding is in another city. So totally it will be a lot of travel.
My side family betrayed us with our money and broke our trust. My mom created rifts amongst us sibling and made me look like I am the bad person and created fights among us siblings by telling them lies about me. The reason she did this was because she thinks I am in US so I have lots of money and that I should be not given any property (I never asked for any property in the 1st place. I am a very self doing person and do not expect anything from others.) We have distanced my side people since they were ruining our peace of mind.

So most of our stay in india will be in Hotels. I am getting worried if the kids will take in so much hotel stay, food adjustment from hotels, so much travel to different places etc? I am specially concerned with my little one who will be 2.5 years old.
Also, a little background on the impact I've had mentally and emotionally due to all the happenings from my side family and my husbands side family. I have suffered immensely in the last 10 years due to all the happenings from India or rather hurt given by both side people. I even lost my job becasue I was unable to control my emotions and I had a very bad boss just like my MIL. Since I had so much baggage emotionally and mentally I was unable to handle my boss who was so political.
Since then life has been without a career. Now I am trying hard to get back to work. After several such losses and events, my husband and I decided that we will distance ourselves from both side family since they are only giving us pains and worries which is affecting out normal life. I would even take the anger out on kids.

After distancing them, our life was a little peaceful. Now due to the wedding they are calling us and trying to be nice. I am worried to go to the wedding for so many reasons. Can even accommodate the kids discomfort and travel part, but I am thinking is it even worth it to make this trip when we are not getting anything out of it just mere discomfort. Is it worth to put the kids undergo so much trouble ? When we wanted people's help nobody was there for us is it fair for us to go there for the wedding ?
Should we just follow their path and do what they did. Do things at our comfort level. Go to india when it is comfortable for us. So we and the kids can enjoy the journey.
My other biggest worry is - Wedding are very stressfull as it is, what if these people or all their relatives say something bad which will hurt me ? What if I again get into the emotional distress and start loosing myself ? It will hurt my kids upbringing, my personal life etc. Should I walk the path again or be around the people who have hurt you so much all the last 10 years ?

Please advice on what you think is the right thing for me to do. Your suggestions/advice will be highly appreciated.

Thank you.

 

Hi Rihana and yellomango,

First of all I am so sorry for the late response. Thank you so much for replying to my post. Appreciate it.

To answer some of your Q's - My hubby is not very close to his parents or his siblings becuase they have kept that kind of a relationship with him. My hubby is a god like person. Recently he went to India after 10 years and his parents were not even happy and did not even tell any of his relatives he is coming to India.
They are asking us to keep the wedding date coz they want our presence. But they are setting the dates as per their convenince.

At first when my hubby and I talked about it, he said "if we do not go for this wedding then we will have no body at all to be called as relatives". We talked over it and what all bad they had done to us and how in out times of need they never asked us or were never nice to us. All of a sudden only due to the wedding they have turned out to be extrememly nice to us. So we talked, when they have never done anything for us or cared for us then what is the need to take so much trouble and put the kids in so much trouble and visit india when there is so much travel required.
After discussing this, we thought it would be best if we give some reasons and not go now but visit India when our kids are older and can handle the travel, in 2017.

I keep thinking, we will know nobody in the guets in the wedding. So many rifts have happend all these years. Will we be comfortable in the wedding ? For my kids they will all be starngers, I don't think my younger child will even go to anyone. So it will be my hubby and me handling all our kids needs and performing rituals in the wedding. Seems very stressful to me.

And right now I am applying for jobs and looking to go back to work. Like I mentioned before in my post, I lost my job earlier due to all the emotional turmoil I had in my head due to the issues IL's created. My hubby's brothers and their wives are all doing well, I hurt my career in this mess. My IL's never say a word against my Co-sister who never even goes to my IL's house. My MIL stays with her and takes cares and baby sits her baby. Every day I pray to GOD to forgive me for putting these people so much into my head and help me re-start my career. I am worried if at this point when I am so hurt and looking for a job, it would be good to go there and be with these people.

But when I think about my kids, I get worried what if the family they marry into ask them about their relatives in India. My side family to gone and his side family barely hanging. When I think of all the emotional trouble it is to be with these people, I feel it is best I stay away from them until I raise my kids to become good human beings and until they stand on their feet and get married. Once that is done, my responsibility will be over and I will have raised them well without any distractions.

Too confused some times on what to do. Head says "Don't Go". Heart says " What if" "What about future, for kids, etc"

Thank You for reading my post.

 

Thank you so much to all of you for taking your time to respond to my post. I appreciate all your replies and suggestions from the bottom of my heart. I am in tears right now after having read your posts. It means so much to get such a support and to know that there are people out there who can understand me and what I have been through.
All these years, I never opened up myself to anyone about anything that has happened. I was scared that people will think I am a bad person since I do not have any of my relatives from either side of the Families. But today, I feel the weight off of me. I feel like I belong and there are people who have faced similar things like I have.
Although the happenings were very unfortunate, it feels great to know that there are still people out there who truly care. I thank you all of you for lifting my spirits high.

NB25 – Every word you have stated makes sense and is so practical. You are right, my kids and my husband are my top priority. All my energy and focus should be around them and to find my new job. If I do my job well in raising them and they stand firm on their feet in life, then it will not matter is they have their extended family or not. And like you said, when they grow up things will certainly be different.
And your right, I do not have any obligation towards anyone and neither do I owe anything to anyone in India. I have already done all my duties toward my side family and have always been good to my IL’s regardless how they were. Now its time for me to Move on and make the rest of my life and my kids life more peaceful, happy and successful.
And, I promise you, I will get my JOB. When God is for me, who can be against me.

Crayoness – I totally agree with you. Now or later whenever I go to India, I should with my head held high. There is no reason for me to ever feel low. Since I have always done the right things in the eyes of God.

Videhi – Thank you so much for sharing your own experience here. The decisions that you have made for your life will help me make mine. You are very right – By merely going to the wedding there is no guarantee that anything will change or work toward our advantage in future. Yeah, visiting God’s places is our top priority when we go to India. Like you suggested, going when the kids can enjoy the trip too is most important.
Thank you so much for boosting my morale. I will get my next job and this time since I am freeing my self of all my past, I am sure I will progress and succeed in my career and like you said, I am sure God will surely give me an amazing BOSS this time!

Friends, if it were not for your posts, I would not have felt so relievd and confident like I am feeling right now. I had all these in my mind and heart, but I had become confident less to stand FIRM for what I believe was true. I was thinking way too much about Future, how it will affect kids etc. But the important thing is, because of future if I spoil my present then I will be responsible for what happens in Future for me or my kids. Future is uncertain but atleast I can do right things now to atleast ensure a good future for my kids. Raising them well, getting them well educated and getting them married into a good family and husband is very important for me. And along with that dream, taking care of my and my husband health is very vital too. If I keep getting involved in these thoughts then I will jeopardize everything.
They say a true test of a person is during bad times. My side people or my IL’s never were there during my time of need what will they ever be in future.

My husband and I talked about this today again. This is what my Husband said “ Right now, it is not right for us to travel to India since our 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] child is not old enough to handle so much travel. Even if we take aside all the reasons of what all bad they have done to us, if we think about our kids, we should go to India only when it is comfortable for them and for us”.

I wanted to ensure I did not make any wrong decision, so analyzed from all angles, and with all your suggestions, we have come to this decision.

Rihana – Your suggestion about making a Will opened up my thoughts into various directions about future. I did a little research about such wills and read an article on “Babycenter” website about wills and making “Gaurdians” for our kids. In our situation, it would not be best for us to make any person from India as Gaurdians for them. The website also suggested that we make people who are living close by to where we live as Guardians for the kids. I was willing to know a little more on what you were trying to refer or point me toward when you suggested about making a will. I would appreciate if you could elaborate a little more and suggest.
Also, please let me know of any other websites which you prefer to learn more about wills and to make one.

Once again, I appreciate every one of you for taking your time to respond to my post and for your valuable suggestions. Thank you for making me feel so good and confident and to realize to stay FIRM for my Family.
Appreciate it!