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just a vent and need some suggestion..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SimplelLife, Mar 28, 2015.

  1. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    hello lovely ladies... time has come to take advises from you all as I am little concerned and want to avoid unnecessary arguments..
    some background
    I am almost 3 year married women .. it was a love marriage... I stayed with in laws back in India before coming here for more than 2 months right after wedding and i get to know their different shades.. before wedding they seems to be very liberal and open minded and my relation with them were very nice. DH has one younger brother who is doctor but not working as he was preparing for his further study in medicine from usa at that time.. FIL stop working since 8-9 yrs.MIL is a home maker.so basically DH was only earner in the family. they have no good house to live so DH bought a house. when he went India for engagement in 2011 he stuck there for visa issues and both the families decides to arrange wedding. by that time everything was fine... due to the money problem I told them not to buy gold for me.. I bought very cheap lehanga n sarees for my self just to save money.. DH bought very less for him but his family seems they dont care about anything... they were not thinking at all if he never got visa then what.. MIL bought jewellery for her, FIl bought car.. BIL bought many suits.. and they planned wedding so lavishly just to show their relatives .. they started loosing respect in my life and DH had nothing in his hand except the loans from friends, luckily his visa issue resolved 10days prior to wedding if not, dont know where we will be. money I got from my family for furniture they bought theirs as well... infect they bought me very sub standard things.. money which i got as a gift from my side people FIL took that as well.. if i give something to MIL just to keep she just forget to return.. if I want to give something to my cousin BIL, BIL have always eye on it and even in front of them he restrict me to do so. instead of giving reception party from their side they invite 800 people in the wedding party which my parents were sponsoring .. MIL keeps asking my parents for sending money for sweets which she had to give in her relatives saying it should be from DIL's side but she always took money and never gave sweets to her relatives.. there are so many such incidents. basically these are people who revolve around money. DH never gave me their correct information infect he always tried to mingle things up.. he always try to justify things.without a major fight he can not accept flows of his family. when i came to usa , BIL came with me to prepare for his medical study and giving exams and interviews.. he is the most selfish and self centered guy.. in his first attempt he stuck in his interview ,he stayed with us for 1 and half year and sometimes he behaves like by studying further he actually giving favor to us. we left with no money till he was here.. prepaying for exams .. traveling for interviews and above all these things MIL, FIL and relative were forcing us for baby... when I came here I used to call ILS every 4-5 days.. and relative every 20-25 days.. on each call everybody asking for good news... I was just fade up of replying them sweetly and telling them that we are not ready because of the expenses.. DH have to run 2 houses. one is here one in India, home loan and above all BIL's study which is draining all the money.I stop frequently calling them.. make it one week then 10 days then 15 days ... stopped calling relative except occasions.. FIL gave me lectures about having a baby and he was shouting for 1/2 hr continuously and that was my limit... I stopped calling that frequently again and I started avoiding him. when I was in India MIL make me do everything at the name of her MIL that is Grandmaa.. like I used to wear saree all the time at home... she said Maa wont feel good if you wear anything else.. I didnt mind much as I thought she is genuinely saying that and even I wont be living my entire life there. After a while I realized that she always make me do all the thing at the name of other people particularly grandmaa.. being an honest and straight forward person i didnt like her idea. she is a kind of person who always accusing somebody for something... always barking about her sils..their kids and everybody around her even in one incident she justified one of her SIL's physical abuse by her husband.. how could one woman think like that even for her worst enemy.. she used to indirectly threatened me by saying I am good for people who behaves well with me and worst for people who behaves bad with me.. she told DH to tell me not to lock my closet and give her keys just before few hrs I had to left .. which make a huge drama... she made me wash my plate at her sil's house just because i was in periods.. her sister back bite about me to DH that I misbehaved with FIL.. I really got hurt as I really had very good relation with her. anyways I keep quite and came here although slowly these people getting off from my life... I was just maintaining a relation as a DIL. one day MIL called and made me to talk to her neighbor .. she asked me about baby and all without saying hi- hello .. started suggesting ideas... that was the limit.. i told her harshly that you are interfering in my life.. she gave back phone to MIL and she started again... giving me some totka for baby.. I shouted at her saying thats why I am avoiding you people .. you dont understand your line,I had so much buildup accumulating within me, it just overflown. the funny part is that by that time we did nt even tried for a baby and she is giving me a totka... a graduate and a not so old lady( 50 yrs) giving a totka.. further I got to know from my friends that totka is for a baby boy.. incredible.. DH who always justified for his family this time he does nt have anything to justify.I can not stand her .. whenever I have to talk to her my 2-3 days goes in depression.. i wake up thinking about her..

    Now I am planning to visit India during which i will be visiting in laws place for 10 days .. i am confused about how to avoid arguments.. as FIL is always at home he is the most irritating person of all.. MIL is always barking about somebody.. i am going there just to spend some time with grandmaa but dont want to take headaches. even MIL and FIL never asked once in 2 and half yrs to come though BIL visiting them 4th time soon( 3 time on DH's expences). I am sure she will insisted me to visit her sister who bitching about me.. I dont want to see her. plz suggest me some strategies ladies.
     
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  2. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    @SimpleLife:
    Wow, you have a lot of patience. Is it possible to avoid the trip completely? What about your parents? Can you stay with them and visit your in laws from time to time (even thats because you said you want to spend some time with grandma)?
     
  3. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    thanks a lot @ sparkle for your quick reply and concern. it is not possible for me as both the place(in laws and parents) are very far from each other.
     
  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    To avoid argument
    don't talk.
    Nod your head
    agree to everything do what is right
    answer question with a question that is don't validate the question by answering.
    If I were you and bil is out of your home I would have asked my parents to visit me so could have spent quality time with them without the drama from ils.
     
  5. adimad

    adimad Silver IL'ite

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    @SimpleLife My advice would be to avoid the trip altogether. If that is not possible then definitely avoid staying at their place for 10 days - esp. because it is so far from your parents. You will be very vulnerable and alone and your MIL n FIL will have all the support from their relatives and neighbours. It may not be the best thing for you.

    If you are not comfortable or in a position to outrighlty say no to visiting your in-laws for 10 days, just make up some excuse like not feeling well or someone else not feeling well, but avoid being in that situation.

    Also, totally stop contact with any relatives or FILnMIL or anyone who crosses their line. When they bring up any personal issue on phone, tell them softly but firmly "look mummy this is way more than my tolerance level. I dont think I can continue and I will not be calling you now because such things bother me. bye - you take care" then disconnect or hand it to your hubby. After this stop thinking about it or them. Think about your life and your career and futture plans and use your energy for that.

    Strength to you.
     
  6. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    She. Is the typical interfering MIL and you have handled her quite well.. Only thing you need to do is to prevent her from engulfing your life so much.. Like you'he mentioned that you get depressed each time you talk to her, dont give her that much importance.. Especially since you don't stay with her, you should be able to establish boundaries without getting so affected mentally and emotionally. If you are unable to sort your feelings out without help, pls see any Counsellor.. She is not going to change, but you can prevent her from affecting your life..

    Once you realise her viewpoint is not worth so much importsnce, you will be able to prevent her from attacking you. About the trip, if your husband is understanding pls tell him the issue n tell him you would like to stay at your parents place for longer.. If he is no, go and stay at your in laws but don't allow them to affect you. Easier said than done though.. I hate staying at my inlaws too..
     
  7. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    thanks a lot @ars, @ adimad and @ docathome for your suggestions.. :). Going for 10 days is absolutely my choice .. thats too because I feel running ahead is not the solution.. I have to take my stand confidently .. the mistake I make is to give some little extra value to MIL's sisters n families... which I pays off the dividend.. they are extremely complaining and back biting... some of DH's side relative are not much interfering as MIL herself never value them in her life.. off course in India everybody ask you about baby irrespective of who they are.. so that is common in both the families.. so now I am completely ignoring her sisters and family except younger kids who are not mean .. and planning to spend 10 days in meeting with people I like and will spend time with them.I have to take back my closet keys as well..and I desperately want to show her that you can not control me.. I have planned an irritating reply for her every move.. just by ignoring her wholly..
     
  8. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    @docathome.. thanks a lot for you concern .. that is my biggest struggle of letting her off from my mind... whenever I settle down my mind in some piece.. she again try to boss me.. and I again got into frustration.. about her totka issue and FIL's lecture, DH told them why would they talk like that with me.. and he told them directly that its none of their business to poking their nose every time.. after that for sometime everything was fine but than again she started instructing with same puja rituals, every time she says I used to tell her I can not and she again come up next year with same instructions.. even though before wedding when I first met I told her clearly that I dont do such things.. if she has issues she could have told me that time.. I told to DH that I am ready to do 2-3 important stuffs but not like everything your mom ask me to do.. she is the most irritating person.. my own parents never boss me like that.. who the hell she is.. she behaves like as if she did nt listens anything..
    DH does understands everything and he does not have any issue if I wont visit for 10 days.. infect he is little nervous about my stay.. he told me just to visit my place only once when i was planning the trip... I understand his situation.. but I want to face her.. if she has instructs for me I have her balance sheet as well..
     

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