Please answer: How to deal with ths

cheenu123 · Mar 25, 2015

Dear Friends,

My thread has stemmed from another thread. Since I didn't want to deviate it, I am starting a new one. In a very recent/ ongoing thread, we have seen an MIL complaining about her DIL, not helping with the chores.

I have seen many DILs/MILs facing such problems. I can speak from my personal experience. Whenever I have a slightest of tiff with my DH/MIL, both of them will make sure that they point out always, that the MIL does multiple chores, while I, the DIL doesn't contribute much. When I try to have a reason with my MIL, that why on earth she never came forward and told me about her expectations, why she has to wait for an opportunity like a fight between me and DH, she tells me that I don't have to tell you everything. It is expected out of you. I am disgusted by this answer of hers.

Secondly, my DH frequently complains, that I should help the MIL more in terms of kitchen and chores, when we have maid for almost everything. Here I would like to tell you that every morning we have to give garbage bin to the sweeper. My MIL was in Mumbai, last year for 6 months, so I used to do this. When she returned, she took over, so I never used to get up, also because I hated to see the sweeper in my night clothes. About this also, in my absence, the MIL complained to the DH that she has to wake up early morning to empty the garbage bin while it is the duty of the DIL. When DH confronted me, I said I am truly shocked by this allegation. If I/MIL cant wake up then why cant you do this job? He said ask your father/ brother, would they do this? Here, I would also like to add one thing. During one of the lighter moments, my brother, while joking and showing his affection towards me, asked me, in front of my DH, dear sister, now you being married, who will shut the doors at night and ask the maid to empty the garbage bin. Actually, before marriage, my mom had allocated this job to me. To ensure that all the doors are properly locked at night and to make sure that the maid throws the garbage and cleans the bin.

Again and again my DH reminds me, if you could do this at your parent's place, why not here. I feel so infuriated that I feel like killing him. I have absolutely no reservations of doing this even here, but due to the reasons cited above (that the sweeper comes too early & Iam really not comfortable seeing him in my night clothes), I refrain from doing so. My DH doesn't seem to understand this at all.

Further, my DH & my MIL boast, every now and then that DH doesn't even know how to prepare a cup of tea. I ask my DH, what is there to boast about? Every single time, unfailingly, he gives the example of my brother & father. I completely agree, that yes, my father & brother are also typical Indian men BUT NOT LIKE MY DH. Recently, my brother was blessed with a child and ever since , he has got involved in the kitchen, alongside my mom, extensively, to ensure that his wife, and underweight child are well taken care off. My dad, on the other, behaved like a typical Indian lazy man all through his life who never ever cared to lift a glass of water but post his retirement, we have seen a new side of him. He cooks, drops my mom regularly to office, takes care of his grandson etc.

I cant explain and cite these things to my DH and MIL again and again and again. why should they always give example of my family? Why should the DH not help and MIL encourage her son to not to help me because I alone should manage everything? Because DH is a male? Because that is how things have been at my parent's place?

How can one bring logic at the table, when MIL and DH are heartless enough to cite people from DIL's family? Would they like it if the DIL also starts citing the married SIL's family members?

Sivasakthigopi · Mar 25, 2015

cheenu123 said: ↑

Dear Friends,

My thread has stemmed from another thread. Since I didn't want to deviate it, I am starting a new one. In a very recent/ ongoing thread, we have seen an MIL complaining about her DIL, not helping with the chores.

I have seen many DILs/MILs facing such problems. I can speak from my personal experience. Whenever I have a slightest of tiff with my DH/MIL, both of them will make sure that they point out always, that the MIL does multiple chores, while I, the DIL doesn't contribute much. When I try to have a reason with my MIL, that why on earth she never came forward and told me about her expectations, why she has to wait for an opportunity like a fight between me and DH, she tells me that I don't have to tell you everything. It is expected out of you. I am disgusted by this answer of hers.

Secondly, my DH frequently complains, that I should help the MIL more in terms of kitchen and chores, when we have maid for almost everything. Here I would like to tell you that every morning we have to give garbage bin to the sweeper. My MIL was in Mumbai, last year for 6 months, so I used to do this. When she returned, she took over, so I never used to get up, also because I hated to see the sweeper in my night clothes. About this also, in my absence, the MIL complained to the DH that she has to wake up early morning to empty the garbage bin while it is the duty of the DIL. When DH confronted me, I said I am truly shocked by this allegation. If I/MIL cant wake up then why cant you do this job? He said ask your father/ brother, would they do this? Here, I would also like to add one thing. During one of the lighter moments, my brother, while joking and showing his affection towards me, asked me, in front of my DH, dear sister, now you being married, who will shut the doors at night and ask the maid to empty the garbage bin. Actually, before marriage, my mom had allocated this job to me. To ensure that all the doors are properly locked at night and to make sure that the maid throws the garbage and cleans the bin.

Again and again my DH reminds me, if you could do this at your parent's place, why not here. I feel so infuriated that I feel like killing him. I have absolutely no reservations of doing this even here, but due to the reasons cited above (that the sweeper comes too early & Iam really not comfortable seeing him in my night clothes), I refrain from doing so. My DH doesn't seem to understand this at all.

Further, my DH & my MIL boast, every now and then that DH doesn't even know how to prepare a cup of tea. I ask my DH, what is there to boast about? Every single time, unfailingly, he gives the example of my brother & father. I completely agree, that yes, my father & brother are also typical Indian men BUT NOT LIKE MY DH. Recently, my brother was blessed with a child and ever since , he has got involved in the kitchen, alongside my mom, extensively, to ensure that his wife, and underweight child are well taken care off. My dad, on the other, behaved like a typical Indian lazy man all through his life who never ever cared to lift a glass of water but post his retirement, we have seen a new side of him. He cooks, drops my mom regularly to office, takes care of his grandson etc.

I cant explain and cite these things to my DH and MIL again and again and again. why should they always give example of my family? Why should the DH not help and MIL encourage her son to not to help me because I alone should manage everything? Because DH is a male? Because that is how things have been at my parent's place?

How can one bring logic at the table, when MIL and DH are heartless enough to cite people from DIL's family? Would they like it if the DIL also starts citing the married SIL's family members?
Click to expand...

Hi

Dont worry about these issues!

First of all you planned to work in home. If you don't like to provide Garbage in morning, Just pack them in a Black disposal cover and kept before door. First day says to the person who collect that and ask him to take, and monthly provide him 50 or 100 rupees.

He dont complain about the same. In house hold works, plan everything is easy and comfortable to you! If your husband takes your family members in each time, just avoid to talk him few days and don't show any interest on his speech completely for 2 days.

And create any chance to bring him to your home and try to stay there for two or three days. He will see what your brother and father do in his eyes!

You just talk with your brother in phone or direct before him, "Anna you are very good husband, you help her wife in all works, in our home, when i am with you before marriage, you don't do any single work for mom and me!

But you help anni, I am very glad! Please help them little bit. Mom is working and handling our family so many years. but now i am proud of you!" Like this!

If your husband asks you about this openly, tells him, my brother is a good brother, good son, good father and good husband. I always happy for him. So what is your problem about this? You always tell me if your brother do works in home, you ask me to work etc, note that is his family, he serve his wife and mother. He do house works. But i am not a cheap like somebody to compare any one to them and their relatives!

Etc, etc, Voice doesnot will in all places, but our intelligent will work for us!

Try yourself! All the best!

MalStrom · Mar 25, 2015

Cheenu,
You have to change your tactics. There is no use in presenting logic when the other party is in attack mode. You can all argue the hindlegs off a donkey and it will still be a stalemate.
Do what you can to the best of your ability. Then when the unfair attacks start, refuse to engage. Just say firmly that you will not be treated badly and move away.
They can argue with the walls if they are so inclined.
The present state is going on because they have a two-against-one team and you provide a ready punching bag. Just try this for the next few times.

Jazmine83 · Mar 25, 2015

god...Indian men!

There is nothing much you can do, but if you have children...treat both boy and the girl equally and make them understand kitchen belongs to both men and women.

My mom did that. My brother is a better cook than I am. I cannot count the number of times my SIL praises him.

cheenu123 · Mar 26, 2015

Thanks!

Yes, after my marriage, I have learned and unlearned multiple things. Things like logic, gender equality, what is right, what is wrong, really don't work.
One has to inculcate a lot of patience, ignore so many things, and learn to find happiness.
No mater how many times I try to remind myself of these things, whenever any such incident takes place, I feel hurt.

shobhamumbaikar · Mar 27, 2015

In my opinion, the best way to deal with it, is to sit and decide who will do which work at home. Tell mil in front of dh, since you expect me to do things I do not understand your expectation and then you feel bad, lets decide and divide the chores between us, that way nobody will feel bad. Do this with genuine attempt to clear the misunderstanding over house work. You may not be able to empty the garbage bin, but can do other things instead.[FONT=&amp]Do your part the best you can. [/FONT][FONT=&amp]Once it is done, the chances of randomly blaming you for not doing a work will be eliminated.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]As for comparing with your family people, be direct and any time such comparison comes, tell them straight that such comparisons are uncalled for and you will not tolerate it. If it does not work, every time dh mentions your bro for not doing something like him, you mention, as a reply something he/your mom does that your dh/mil does not. And ask if they liked it. They should know that their comparison will be replied with reverse comparison till they stop.[/FONT]

Sparkle · Mar 27, 2015

cheenu123 said: ↑

Dear Friends,

My thread has stemmed from another thread. Since I didn't want to deviate it, I am starting a new one. In a very recent/ ongoing thread, we have seen an MIL complaining about her DIL, not helping with the chores.

I have seen many DILs/MILs facing such problems. I can speak from my personal experience. Whenever I have a slightest of tiff with my DH/MIL, both of them will make sure that they point out always, that the MIL does multiple chores, while I, the DIL doesn't contribute much. When I try to have a reason with my MIL, that why on earth she never came forward and told me about her expectations, why she has to wait for an opportunity like a fight between me and DH, she tells me that I don't have to tell you everything. It is expected out of you. I am disgusted by this answer of hers.
Click to expand...

@cheenu123:
Most often tiffs between MILs and DILs arise from unsaid expectations. Almost all MILs expect that DILs should come to them and get to know what gets done in their house and vice-versa.
Another cause for this is, not accepting the DIL as a daughter or even a member of the family. Their DSs are at a age to get married, so get a girl and marry them off. But treat her like an outsider even after the marriage. Not many MILs take a step forward to explain things to DILs and ask them for help (We have to agree there are cases were this has been done and DILs get angry because they were asked to do some chores too. Some DILs choose to live like outsiders too even after getting married)
The main culprit is the son in most cases. Taking one person's side or not taking anyone's side is what most married men do. This will only create more friction between the mil and dil.
Its a problem with our society. (To think of it, matrimonial ads should contain the expectations of a mil towards a dil and a dil towards mil also.) Whenever she tells you that its expected of you, ignore her or tell her that you expect her to tell her what needs to be done.

cheenu123 said:

Secondly, my DH frequently complains, that I should help the MIL more in terms of kitchen and chores, when we have maid for almost everything. Here I would like to tell you that every morning we have to give garbage bin to the sweeper. My MIL was in Mumbai, last year for 6 months, so I used to do this. When she returned, she took over, so I never used to get up, also because I hated to see the sweeper in my night clothes. About this also, in my absence, the MIL complained to the DH that she has to wake up early morning to empty the garbage bin while it is the duty of the DIL. When DH confronted me, I said I am truly shocked by this allegation. If I/MIL cant wake up then why cant you do this job? He said ask your father/ brother, would they do this? Here, I would also like to add one thing. During one of the lighter moments, my brother, while joking and showing his affection towards me, asked me, in front of my DH, dear sister, now you being married, who will shut the doors at night and ask the maid to empty the garbage bin. Actually, before marriage, my mom had allocated this job to me. To ensure that all the doors are properly locked at night and to make sure that the maid throws the garbage and cleans the bin.

Again and again my DH reminds me, if you could do this at your parent's place, why not here. I feel so infuriated that I feel like killing him. I have absolutely no reservations of doing this even here, but due to the reasons cited above (that the sweeper comes too early & Iam really not comfortable seeing him in my night clothes), I refrain from doing so. My DH doesn't seem to understand this at all.
Click to expand...

Have you tried asking your maid to dispose the garbage bags off? If she is willing to, you can pay her a little extra money. I agree on the feeling uneasy part in night clothes. I have been there. If not your maid, like another poster mentioned, pay the cleaning guy some money to take the bag from your door/gate.

About the chores, you can write them down and divide the chores between your MIL, yourself, your DH and any others in your family. You can also take turns doing the chores. (Say cooking is done by MIL one day, another day by you etc.) Everyday you can verify what all assigned chores are done or not. If you continue this for a few days, this will become a practice later. Moreover, your DH or MIL wont be able to complain that you are not helping/doing enough chores.
If this doesn't work, just make a list of chores you have completed everyday by yourself. And show that to your MIL and DH every time they complain.

About your brother's comments, may be that was said on a lighter note, but its always good to avoid such comments in front of DH and in laws. Do not encourage such comments in the future.

cheenu123 said:

Further, my DH & my MIL boast, every now and then that DH doesn't even know how to prepare a cup of tea. I ask my DH, what is there to boast about? Every single time, unfailingly, he gives the example of my brother & father. I completely agree, that yes, my father & brother are also typical Indian men BUT NOT LIKE MY DH. Recently, my brother was blessed with a child and ever since , he has got involved in the kitchen, alongside my mom, extensively, to ensure that his wife, and underweight child are well taken care off. My dad, on the other, behaved like a typical Indian lazy man all through his life who never ever cared to lift a glass of water but post his retirement, we have seen a new side of him. He cooks, drops my mom regularly to office, takes care of his grandson etc.

I cant explain and cite these things to my DH and MIL again and again and again. why should they always give example of my family? Why should the DH not help and MIL encourage her son to not to help me because I alone should manage everything? Because DH is a male? Because that is how things have been at my parent's place?

How can one bring logic at the table, when MIL and DH are heartless enough to cite people from DIL's family? Would they like it if the DIL also starts citing the married SIL's family members?
Click to expand...

These comparisons and citing examples from your family may have come from things they have seen like your brother's comments, father's behavior etc. (Just out of curiosity, have you ever asked your brother/father to help in some chores when your DH was around at your home? If not, try this.) I can see that your MIL and DH are refusing to accept the fact that your brother and father have changed. They are doing this to stress you out and get some sadistic pleasure out of it. Don't give into those comments. Quoting the SIL's family might bring you more trouble.
When some comments come up, don't react immediately. When you get a chance to speak with your DH alone, tell him that you don't appreciate comments about your family and that he should stop. If he stops, I think you will be half relieved.

nb25 · Mar 27, 2015

OP,

First of all, ask your DH in private, to not tell you to help MIL in chores. Tell him clearly that he can help his mother with the chores, if he wants. If he can not help her, he should not expect you. Once he understands this, and stops forcing you, and pointing out that the DIL is doing lesser chores, you can take on some chores for yourself. Do not ask MIL or DH what they want you to do. Offer to help with chores you can comfortably do. Ask DH for help with some chores too. As you have hired help, I think there will not be too much load on any one person. Make sure chores are divided fairly to all.

Asking MIL what she expects you to do can backfire on you. Don't get pressurized into doing every thing. Let them know you are doing your part to help them out.

Does DH have any trips planned, where he will be alone? You can try teaching him basic cooking, so he can cook for himself on the trip, without interference from his mother.

armummy · Mar 27, 2015

You know the issues now related to household chores. What is stopping you to have a frank discussion with your MIL and DH and talk of allocating equal chores . Why does your MIL have to tell you this .

second do you see any truth in them saying MIL does more work . If so , I guess you should volunteer to take more load now and assign tasks to DH which you deem fit like taking re garbage out . If you MIL and DH make fuss and talk about your father and brother, tell them that you expect your DH to be a better person than your father and brother by helping you and his mother.

If there is no truth in what they say , they you need stand form and say you do an equal
amount and give them a list if all what you do every time .