Pregnant and need help dealing with In-laws.

PrettyWoman · Mar 25, 2015

Hi All,

I am a newbie to the group. First of all Thank you to all the lovely ladies who always share a shoulder to lean on and forget the pain.

I am pregnant now and stay in US. My in-laws came to stay with us for 6 months and wanted to apply for extension as well to be with the baby. Right from my 3rd month they are with me. Mine is a love marriage which got arranged. Initially, though they were hiccups I managed smooth relation with everyone in the family. From the day they landed in US, it was tough for me to adjust but within few weeks I was getting along with them. My mil helps in cooking and we both cook together. As I know that they keep getting bored here I used to sit with them and talk almost everything like movies, my friends, relatives and related to my work and my team mates. They used to laugh and enjoy with me. My FIL is physically disabled so doing chores for him is difficult but me and my husband we managed to pull out.

The reason for me to write here today is, bec of nausea I got up early today and suddenly overheard my mil speaking to my sil and she was completely back biting about me and my husband. I was completely shocked to hear that she said" she gets irritated around me and she doesn't like me talking". I felt so bad and today whole day I kept quite from morning. She said we just care about ourselves which was hurting. Ours is a love marriage got arranged and we are relatives too. Initially, they never agreed for marriage and after marriage though they performed everything according to society all rituals they never used to shower affection on me. But, I knew it is common even if it is arranged / love marriage and got adjusted with everything. we both cleared all the house loans of my inlaws and helped with my sil wedding and gifts for every bday, small things became common. First time, after hearing am pregnant everyone started talking with me very nicely. I felt so happy that baby is uniting us and didn't even complain when they wanted to come to usa when am pregnant. But, now it is soo hurting to know that she is back biting to everyone in India and my SIL that we are not taking care of them and am irritating to be around. She doesn't like if I talk to my parents weekly once on calls. So, I stopped talking and emailing them or I talk when I go outside. I took a break from work and doing my masters in parallel. So, I keep getting calls from my friends related to assignments. My FIL everyday sends whatever am doing to my SIL. I ignore stuff because I know that they get bored here. But, now I just don't know how to deal with petty things like this. Why they don't like us no matter what and please tell me some tips so that I just enjoy my pregnancy and at the same time make them happy.

Thank you so much everybody.

Pros with them:
My MIL helps in cooking and since FIL is disabled she sometimes helps me in doing his chores. She gives me orange juice everyday and my fil never allows me to bend if he drops anything on floor like glass of water as he can't even hold things.

Cons with them:
1.They don't like me talking about my parents. 2.They don't like me and husband sitting next to each other or if we talk infront of them cracking any jokes. So, he sits next to his dad and I sit next to his mom in the house. 3.While going out I sacrifice my seat to his mom but I don't feel bothered about it. I am happy sitting in the back with my belly.
4. Everyday phone calls to india and just complaining about stuff here.
5. They just want us to buy gifts while they go to India and very high expectations.
6. Nothing is making them happy. They want my sil and husband to settle here and want us to come back to India.

babymiracle · Mar 25, 2015

kahani gher gher ki.....
i would say do not bother dear as these people want change if u try to make happy then day by day their expectation goes up and up they never realise that we are so nice to them trust me my is same ditto story after my baby born i just look after my baby and hubby these are my family rest are nothing .. they touch me this atitude..
i was same like u .. doing this according to their likes and dislikes and after 5yrs of mrg wht i got?? nothing .. they always try to pull my legs in front of every one

i would say u just concetrate in ur work and pregnancy.. whtever they spoke ab u to his sil .. just behave like u didnt here any thing and stay cool .. as long as u hubby is with u rest are temporary.. this is ur rite to be with ur hubby.. try him to understand tht in front of their parents sit with u talk with u.. u just egnore wht they say or ans them strait or just ignore .. try tell them go out for walk through that they get some same age friend so they might divert

nothing u can change trust me just do ur things with hapy mood as ur baby wants hapy mom and mom want happy child do concentrate that thts more imp

take care bye

PrettyWoman · Mar 25, 2015

Thank you Baby Miracle. You are absolutely right.
Sharing my pain on this blog made my mood better today. Unfortunately, my FIL can't walk and he needs assistance. So, they can't go for a walk together. I take my mil for walks in the evening. Today, will definitely take for a walk but will shut my mouth.

I myself started to follow this mantra from today. Hope it helps you too since u said u faced the similar situation.

1. I helped with cooking and served them breakfast.
2. After that told I have to read for my projects. Came to my room and started preparing for other interviews and parallel was reading baby blogs.
3. In between was checking if they need something to eat and kept the TV on.

Again, thank you for your prompt reply.. Enjoy with your baby too I guess we should stand up courageously and be strong. Being a mother we should have stamina to protect our own children. We should never bend ourselves ...Phew....

Rihana · Mar 25, 2015

Talk to your parents as often as you like, and without being apologetic about it.

Not sitting next to husband in living room and car are enough of compromise.

PrettyWoman · Mar 25, 2015

Rihana, somehow my heart was broken and don't want my parents to fall in their mouths. That's why whenever I feel like talking, I am calling them when I am outside the home.
My sil talks with me very sweetly but when I heard that she thinks that am playing politics and do not take care of her parents, I was just broken. My mil made my sil stay separately after marriage and she loves my bil to the core. I used to feel jealous at times because am blood relation to my mil even before my marriage. Thought they will love me but I guess it just never happens. Even when they talk to my relatives in US, mil clearly mentioned that my parents are not required to come for my delivery.

With all these things I just wanted myself to be strong and compromised on the fact. US rules will not allow them to stay for one year right? Should see where it goes. I really did compromise but I guess its time for me to stand up.

Yes, I will definitely talk to them but outside . Thanks dear.

nb25 · Mar 25, 2015

OP,

Would you change any thing if you had not heard the phone call? If your relationship is more or less decent with them, on the face of it, don't bother about what they say to others. Continue to do things as you like. No need to please them beyond a certain point. Take care of yourself through your pregnancy.

yellowmango · Mar 25, 2015

If I were in your place Op...I would have said this at the break fast table in front of Dh ,mil and fil.
I would have made a sad and hurt face and told her that I had heard her call to sil and what she said ....then just moved away...preferably to the bedroom.Let her justify her action and feel guilty and bad...you are pregnant and hurt....why should you drink the poison alone.

If she wants to discuss...tell her "I don't want to discuss and get upset in my state...just leave it."

But this is my way...it may or may not work for others.

RedFlower · Mar 25, 2015

Straight attack or telling to them directly wont work in my case. If it was my situation and if I say them directly, my MIL will create a big scene that 'You didnt take care of us properly and so we are suffering. So was telling SIL about this. I am not lying anything and its all truth'. She is of that sort, though I care for a lot.

OP, you know them better and take the right action that it doesnt strain u much physically/mentally in this pregnancy phase.

niharikavardhan · Mar 25, 2015

Heyy Hai,

One thing i would like to tell you.You are not in this world to please everyone.You have ur life.So ignore all this unwanted stuff.You are pregnant darling .... so start thinking about the new life that ur going to bring to this world.Be preoccupied.start reading books, go for a walk, listen to music,read comics , watch tv, cook whatever u love...enjoy ur every moment.

I do understand what ur going thru...I too have had situations as u had.Backbiting is common and the best practice is to juz ignore.Its difficult to behave as if nothing has happened, but thats the only way we need to proceed if we need a peaceful and happy life ahead.

We may not know, ur MIL may change seeing u to be a lovely DIL...But my suggestion is never ignore ur parents in the process of pleasing ur MIL/FIL. Just tell them that its difficult to be there not talking to your parents.Explain them the need and importance.If they understand well and good, else ignore and be what u r.Dont change for anyone.Nobody is going to do that for u.

Take care

yellowmango · Mar 25, 2015

Op...please don't let your in laws dictate your relationship with your parents.It is rather insulting to your parents that you are scared to talk to them in front of them.It is pretty sick that your in laws don't want you to talk to them.

You don't have to be a bad daughter to be a good dil in their books.

If mil tells people your parents are not required for delivery...just smile and say"this is your turn...they will come for the next one."...and then move away.No need to argue.