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Plight of a MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Gayathrim123, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. Gayathrim123

    Gayathrim123 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi everyone. I am gayathri and would like to get advice.

    Here I am reading about relationships between mil and dil. I found most of the views are from dil and I have not come across any mil views. May be because at the age of mil no one bothers to read these sites. I want to share my experiences honestly with you and get some advice from youngster point of view which I also get from my daughter.from past 3 years I have been mil and I have tried my best to be a good one.my son wanted to get married at an early age and it was a love marriage .so my husband and I didn't object even when we felt he is too young to handle marriage but then it was his wish! Right from the first day dil got up late ,came down fully dressed up to leave to office,had breakfast and would leave to office. In the beginning I wanted them to enjoy their marriage and never said anything. I too am a working lady but I did not want to spoil our relationship by commenting about that .but however thrubody language she came to know that I did not like what she is doing but nothing changed. Whatever the communication about kitchen and other chores were done through my son from her.i asked him not to do that but then they said that it would be better if he. Is involved too. My son never wanted me to say anything to my dil.even the smallest well meaning advice as an elder was taken too seriously.they said they were sensitive and would find fault in whatever I speak. In the beginning fights were between me and my son but I was behaving normally with my dil because I didn't hold her responsible for fights.my son used to abuse me in front of her .when I asked him not to do ,he answered that she too is a family member. Then we all agreed that it is better to have a cook and I thought everything would be all right. After 2 years the situation came to that they never informed me about their coming late or not having dinner etc ,etc,I kept mum didn't say a word.whenever she visited ther mothers place she never told me but it was my son who became her mouthpiece. Then I stopped talking to her totally. This irritated her a lot and picked up a fight with my son.when my son came to me about the fight I interfered which I should not have done. I just told my son not to weep when she is not weeping why should he? This is all I said. She almost flung herself on me asking me who am i ? Who am i?then she spat and said she would go to police.we said we don't fear . Next day she went to her mothers place without informing anyone and 2 days later she compromised with my son and came back. I am not talking to her but totally hurt.many of my friends say I am a lenient mil but I never wanted to boss over or anything but is it too much to ask if not love at least respect. I wanted to share because it is not only dil storie but it can be mil stories too.advice please
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2015
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  2. hope2b

    hope2b Silver IL'ite

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    As a dil, I would suggest you to keep away from your son and dil relationship. Its unfortunate that as an elder you have to face these hurdles, but you know from experience that a wife and husband relation can only grow when they get to live their life together. You could ask your son to move separate but near to you. I feel that will get you all forget the bad memories and create new ones.

    Sorry to say this, Mil is not about being lenient or strict, it should be about a lady who left her family to make her own, who inturn let her dil make her own. Rest of the world acknowledges this fact, somehow india never wants to catch up. Please be a guide to your son and dil. I am not sure if you are very old and were depending on your son and dil, but if I was in your shoes, I would get a maid. You have every right to get that service paid. Sorry, if i was rude, but that's my view.
     
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  3. Sivasakthigopi

    Sivasakthigopi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Ma...

    You are really great to keep silence till now! First of all Please sit and talk with your Son and DIL that, You separated them and keep them in New home. When your son comes to help in all work to her then only they both understand.

    In My Home, I will enter Kitchen only at evening and Week Ends. My MIL only do all Food processing Work, But when we is not home, I really feel for her. If she is in home, she did all work without seeking my help, And take care of my naughty Kid.

    When she goes to any function in outstation, I need to work all things and need to take care of my son. Next day when she comes to home i will help her little more bit in house works!

    So as per my personal state, This will helps you lot. For your case, if you went anywhere they just eat from any hotels or visited mom place. So It is better to sit them in new home.

    Definitely your son comes to you. Dont worry! Wait for him!
     
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  4. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    @OP....
    The main problem with most MILs is that they tend to convey messages through their sons.. which is kind of frustrating.. If you want to say something to your DIL better say it directly to her..

    IMO your DIL is inconsiderate and she needs to be taught some "house rules" starting with sharing of household chores ... don't start by saying "you know since I am also working, we need to share chores".. you have waited too long, now its time to "tell her, don't ask her."
     
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  5. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Please just give yourself some peace by not interfering.. your son is an adult now and you need not keep track if he is coming home early or eating well. Your dil should not have shouted at you thou.
     
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  6. Saya83

    Saya83 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Gayathrim123 - I am sorry to know about your problems at this age.

    I sometimes wonder why all DIL and MIL have problems with each other? We humans are social beings and we have to socialize with others. That’s how God has created us. And we do maintain many relationships in our life. Though there are negatives and positives in everyone (nobody is prefect) we accept the negative qualities of our dear one and try to maintain a healthy relationship. Be it mother, sister, grandmother or even friends, where we don't have even blood relation.
    But when it comes to DIL and MIL, why so many ego clashes. Is it because both are possessive about the son/husband? I still don’t have an answer for this.

    Since you both are not in talking terms from a long time, I think there might be some misunderstandings between you. I am sure you both are wonderful ladies with a loving and caring heart. Its just because of all these misunderstandings you are not able to mend your relationship. Give it some time and everything will be fine

    I myself have only 4 years of experience as DIL, so I might not be correct. But I would advise you to let your son and DIL stay separately, away from you for few years. This will help them to explore their life and to have a better understanding about relationships. They will realize their mistake and will come back to you soon. And at that time, you welcome them with all your heart.

    I know I sounds like biased here, but even if it was your DIL I would have suggested the same thing. And I know since you are elder and much more matured than your DIL, you would be able to handle this situation in a better way than your DIL.

    Sorry if any of my words have hurt you, but I seriously wish from the bottom of my heart that everything will be sorted out soon and you all will staying happily together forever.
     
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  7. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly, the MIL's first convey everything via their son's and if the DIL resorts to the same route, she has a problem! The best course of action would be to deal everything with DIL on one to one basis, rather than making your son a scapegoat. Also, I would like to tell you from my personal experience (I got married 2 years back and stay with DH & MIL), an MIL gets extremely insecure upon the entry of her DIL. I have seen my MIL taking full advantage of her son working from home and DIL going to office. But in the long run, by doing so, she only jeopardizes the relationship of her son and her DIL.
    MIl's expect a lot but when it comes to playing their role of patience and sagacity, they forget everything. Often, DH & MIL are team and DIL has to face everything on her own
     
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  8. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear ma,

    The fault of this whole issue began with your sons irresponsible nature.He behaved rudely to you before his wife to show who is the master of the house by ordering you around .Now your DIL seems to have lost respect for you completely.As she was not asked to take any responsibility for this long ,she may not be willing to take any now.Even asking her to take a small responsibility now would translate into withdrawal of privilege from her.The only way to tackle this is to make the youngsters take own responsibility ,you could achieve it by encouraging them to a separate living arrangement.You could invite them for lunch on weekends.The privileges they get by staying with you wont be valued unless they realise it.He is your only child?
     
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  9. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi @Gayathrim123,
    First I want to say that you have been patient w.r.t your dil's behavior and you have handled it well. Your post made me remember few sil's in my family with similar behavior. Only difference is that their marriages were arranged.

    When it comes to the daily chores, at least your dil could have asked you if she could help with something. Her dressing up and leaving would annoy any mil. I am not saying that a dil should come and fall on the in laws feet every morning and do everything at home. Just asking would have helped. (Often communication gap is the villain in most relationships. One person thinks the opponent should ask and the opponent thinks the same way.)

    This is your son's fault. If she is also family member, would he abuse her in front of you, in case a situation arises? He could have tried to discuss and clarify things with both of you.
    Sons get so used to the attention and care given by mothers even after they are more than adults. That's when they start taking mothers for granted. If a situation comes up later this way, my advice is to just leave that place and do not get pulled in that conversation.

    Looks like your dil wants to be left alone. But when she is left alone, she wants attention. I think she herself is struggling with what kind of relationship she wants from you.

    You shouldn't have interfered, but her behavior is not acceptable. Any form of insult - let it be from mil or dil - is not OK at all.
    Sorry to ask this. Was you son watching her fling and spit? What was his reaction to her when she said she will go to the police station? If there was no support from him at that moment (later in her absence if he came and apologized to you, that doesn't count), its not a good sign.

    I suggest you ask them to move out and find a place of their own. Don't bother as of now if your DIL is not ready to come visit you. Your son can come and if your DIL wants to, she can come too. Also, there is a possibility of your DIL saying that you are throwing her out of the house and pick up a fight again. So involve few close family members when you discuss this to them. Just because they move out, it doesn't mean that you don't care for them anymore. Even if they don't love you, you can choose to love them. That way you will be peaceful.

    I agree on the part about wanting respect. But the basic nature of some people cannot be changed. You have done a lot for them, so its better to let go now. You will have more time for yourself and you can think of doing something for yourself in that time.
     
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  10. shrivni

    shrivni Silver IL'ite

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    Amma,
    Keep them in a separate home amma. Don't have them with you. Let them live their life and you can also be in peace. Only if they are alone, she will start being responsible. You are working, don't stress yourself too much.
     
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