does birth of a grandchild bring out the worst in MIL's?

I dont have a MIL, but I have inlaws who think they are my MIL (males and females) ha ha ha

Here is a classic case of "The change is not with the world the change is within me"

It is us who change, the MILs and others are the same persons !

Actually till we get pregnant/have a baby - we are just girls who have studied, manage a home (mostly independently) and go to work.

During pregnancy and after a baby - there are so many life changing happenings - our hormones, emotions, health aspects and work and responsibilities - all of them change so extensively and in so ways and manners !!

And due to that, our equations with our relatives changes (DH, MIL, parents), we depend on them, we have health issues due to which we are weak, so we become more sensitive, we are worried about many things, we expect somethings, we ask for one advice, they give something else - they have also had children and experiences and we discuss them and we sometimes judge them or get judged - all these equations change!

Everyone thinks that they are doing the right thing and acting concerned - but we perceive it differently because we are wearing a different set of glasses !!!

We speak up for our kids and they take it differently, we wouldnt have stood up for ourselves before (we ignore when we get judged, but we dont ignore when our kids get even some harmless comment) so their perceptions also change - oh DIL never spoke before, she has become very rude now!

All this adds up, we get more defensive, they try to explain more, we try to explain more and though communication is happening at words and actions levels, the communication doesnt happen at the heart level - and all relationships go for a toss

 

Wow @hrastro...very interesting! I never thought of it that way...What should one do in such a situation? What would you suggest?

 

@hrastro
What would you suggest to handle such a situation. As @docathome has mentioned, I too believe this is a very fragile period for a new mom. She requires a lot of support. In such a case how can she handle the situation without souring relations

 

Yeah. Its 100% right. I too suffered a lot. All this happening in my life too. Feeling depressed, because of all this issues I am not even enjoying my new parenthood journey . I dnt know what all she does after I an going to my mil house. But Being A First daughter In Law Is A SIN

 

I'm not an expert or anything! Just telling my view of this interactions! You dont have to agree

Everyone is a participant - taali ek haath se nahi bajti - the onus cannot be entirely on the DIL to manage all the aspects of all her relationships alone!

Yes, a mom is a new mom and needs lot of support - but every other woman (except the new mom's younger sister probably) would have been through it already and they have forgotten the troubles they had! Or they have faced the troubles and have no sympathy for a whiner !

And as a new mom, we try our best, we work hard, we stretch beyond our limits, even then we wait for someone to understand and offer help and still when we don't see any help forthcoming and then when we are not able to handle - then and only then we ask for help!!!

And when we finally ask for help - it is very desperate or whiny or needy (I am doing so much, please help) or else it is rude and demanding (cant you see I need help) -

So automatically the response becomes - You are not doing anything that other mothers didnt do OR When I was a mother nobody helped me OR I managed work and home and baby in my time etc
OR even the "full toss insult to a new mom" = I loved my baby enough to have breast milk, you dont love your baby and therefore you dont have enough breast milk!

To avoid getting these remarks, we say a lot of things too!




So we need to be mentally very strong and firm. Ask for help BEFORE it gets desperate!
Thank them every time anyone helps! Dont set the bars of their help too high !! Even if they do only part of the job, be encouraging !

Yes it is very hard - we are in an emotionally needy state and want them to understand - but they don't! People never put themselves in others shoes!






Many moms share lots of tips and advice - even when it is unasked for! Please take note of them ! They are concerned ! They are NOT attacking your "abilities as a mother", they are sharing their experience and concern!

New mothers get defensive for any advice and respond with a rejection - " I know what I'm doing", "My baby is different" , "Doctor/mother told me something else"

So here it works both ways - experienced moms shouldnt give unasked advice and even if they do, new moms shouldnt get defensive!

They can respond with "OK" or " did that work with your child" or " I'll think about it"






MILs are emotionally clouded - for them their son is still their baby, their grandson is their Waaris and DIL is the outsider who has the remote control of their baby and their Waaris too now !


MIL also has to realize that DIL is a part of her family! And is in a vulnerable state ! They have been through exactly the same situation - but instead of being empathetic, many MILs think - "I went through hell, so unless my DIL also goes through the SAME hell, she will not appreciate my sacrifices or respect me as I deserve!" So they create hell in their own homes

DIL has to also understand that MIL has some old history of sacrifices and troubles - yes it was years back - but those feelings never found closure, so the wound is as deep as ever! So DIL can also be more empathetic








When the new mom expects her DH to do something, MIL thinks "Oh my poor baby, this woman is making him do so much work, NEVER realizing that their baby is now a FATHER and HUSBAND"

Here the husband should take control and show his mother that he wants to be a responsible father!

But here he is thinking - "My mother (or bhabhi or friend's wife or sister) handled all this and more by herself - my wife has to change her attitude. She is not showing me any importance" - (Did the DH see 24 hours what his mom or bhabhi or someone else did?)







Each and every person interacting with the new mom is wearing several glasses - so they dont see clearly -

I'll give an example of the many layered spectacles

Take an older experienced mom visiting the new mom - she thinks this mom is so lucky she had a normal delivery + her DH is earning good, so she got a better hospital + this mom is just 25 so she should have more energy + this mom is using diapers instead of cloth + she gets full body massages too + why the hell is she giving formula milk

With all these spectacles - can they see anything clearly ?

But the new mom is "I had a normal delivery so it is so painful + DH is working late, I wish he would be here to help out + I am too young to be a mom, I wanted to work for another year + the diapers are giving diaper rash to my baby but there's no one to help with the washing + is the lady who comes for the massage hygenic near my baby + baby not latching, pain and engorgement - what should I do to get the baby to drink BM" + "this lady thinks I'm useless as baby is drinking formula milk + she thinks she is great because she has a boy and I have a baby girl + she thinks I am young and modern so I dont know anything "

So, can you imagine how this new mom will react to any query that is asked by the lady? Can you imagine the conversation !!!




So it works at all levels and all people have to be confident and sure of themselves and empathetic to others - everything is basically a play on insecurities of the MIL, new mom and other experienced moms !!

 

My granny used to say that having a baby gives a license for everyone to walkin and advise you, the advises stop when you have your next baby.

Your MIL had a set of things she believed is good for the baby.And she just thought she is doing the best for you and the child.The birth of the child weakens us and our tolerance level is not too good.The MIL thought she is teaching things unknown to you and whats best for the baby.You wouldnt have seen this side of your advising MIL before.The advises from moms are better recieved than from MILs. Try to improve your relationship giving her the benefit of new grand-mom syndrome.

 

Dear @docathome - No one is justifying your MIL's behavior, she is wrong!

We are just trying to understand why she behaves the way she behaves
and from understanding comes acceptance
and from acceptance comes forgiveness
and from forgiveness comes peace for yourself!


And that's the reason for your query, because you have not forgiven, you dont find peace. (I'm not saying forget, I'm saying forgive for your own peace of mind)

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.


Please note - I'm not invalidating your troubles or justifying other people, I'm telling you to find peace with yourself - because all this is in the past, and you are bringing the past into your present and spoiling your present