Frustrated of MIL's behaviour.

seekout · Mar 9, 2015

Hi Ladies,

I got married 6 months back. My MIL was behaving nicely initially. she used to speak very nicely with my mom used to say "Don't worry she is like my daughter, i'll take care of everything. she doesn't need to do anything. etc" Now her attitude has changed completely. she keeps complaining about me to all my relatives and hers that i don't do anything at all and i keep sleeping although i do cook and do my work on my own. she just creates problem for every small thing.

she doesn't get along with my FIL and DH. But at times she makes them do things according to her by talking emotionally. Although DH is a nice person and supports me but still thinks that MIL is a very nice lady and all the issues are due to generation gap.

She used to shout at me in the morning as soon as i came out of my room under some pretext or other. initially i remained silent but then i told DH and he spoke with her and that stopped. But still she keeps calling my relatives and they in turn call me up and ask.

DH also never does anything at home. once i asked her why she doesn't ask her son to do something, then she created a huge ruckus of this and even DH shouted at me for speaking in such manner to his mom. He says women should do the household work and even MIL supports him but she keeps complaining that FIL doesn't do anything but he only does many things at home. she says "see your FIL does nothing but do i complain? i've been doing all this on my own"

Once she had an argument with DH and then she started blaming me for turning him against her. She went to the extent of saying that i have mesmerized him and he keeps doing my bidding.

After all this also my DH doesn't want to leave them. He says once we have children everything will be fine but i feel very frightened thinking of my own and kid's future in such an environment.

please help me, how to sort this. Sorry for the long post...

Thanks,
Seekout

nb25 · Mar 10, 2015

OP,

Few questions for you -

1. Are you working?
2. Do you have a maid?
3. How is the work distribution at home? Is it fair, or are you doing most of the work?
4. Does DH know they are calling you up, after MIL complains?

If you feel, there is too much work, then ask your DH to get a maid. Talk to DH, and ask him to pitch in with some of the work. Agree on what he can do to help around the house. Then, let him deal with his mother, if she complains about him working.

As for relatives calling you up, when they call and ask you things, say one minute please, I can't hear you, Let me put you on speaker. Then, let every one hear the complaints. I think DH won't support his mother badmouthing his wife. Confront her directly, after every one has heard these calls. Ask her why she is complaining to others, instead of talking to you?

When she says you are controlling DH, just say, in a polite tone - MIL, you can ask him to do what you like yourself, if you feel I am controlling him. Then move away, get busy with something. Don't get involved in any drama.

Act as reasonably as you can, when MIL creates unnecessary drama. Then, DH will see his mother creating drama, and deal with her. Don't react where not required. Once you get DH's support, this will stop.

abla · Mar 10, 2015

seekout said: ↑

. But still she keeps calling my relatives and they in turn call me up and ask.
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Please ask your family/ relatives to not entertain her anymore .Just politely ignore and not bring it up to you or even better tell her they have married you off into her family and now you are her problem (in more tactful words of course ). laugh1smiley

sugugiri2010 · Mar 10, 2015

HI op,

these are common things happening in everyones life, and i dont think for such silly reasons u wanted ur DH to leave them... thats actually rude!. anyways am not asking u to adjust everything, but u can say to ur mil directly, "y do u want to say my faults to my relatives, if u feel any thing wrong just tell to me directly. i will try to change it" . and most of the PIL doesnt like thier son to do household chores when they are around. if u feel u r loaded with lot of work tell them u need a maid. u can speak to ur husband in private that "if u can help me in kitchen with some simple works we can finish it of quick and as well we can have some chit chats while in kitchen"

seekout · Mar 10, 2015

1. Are you working?
Yes i'm working.
2. Do you have a maid?.
we have a maid for cleaning purposes but cooking is done by both of us.
3. How is the work distribution at home? Is it fair, or are you doing most of the work?
Both of us do almost equal work. most of the outside work is done by FIL.
he also helps with cleaning work if maid doesn't come.
4. Does DH know they are calling you up, after MIL complains?
I told him once and he confronted his mother but she said, "earlier i used to say but i've stopped saying things long back" but she still does. She wants me to do things at her pace and according to her. I prefer to do things my way at my time. She even shouted at my mom 2-3 times when my mom had called her to wish for new year and pongal. Now my mom doesn't call her so now she is angry for that also and complains to me.
Click to expand...

My DH won't do any work and instead fights with me if i come up with this issue. MIL also doesn't want him to do any work. My FIL used to cut vegetables before our marriage but if he helps now then my MIL says "Now that she is there why do you want to cut vegetables. let her do anyways you don't do it properly".This i find is double standard. She wants him to help her but not me and my DH also should not help me.whaatsmiley

DH doesn't take any interest in house affairs. He prefers going out and staying out of this.

Abla, my grandmom has said that also but still she doesn't stop. She says its better to keep you people informed so that later you can't say that i didn't tell.

Thanks for your help [FONT=vegur_regular]nb25, [/FONT][FONT=vegur_regular]abla, [/FONT][FONT=vegur_regular]sugugiri2010.[/FONT]

nb25 · Mar 11, 2015

seekout said: ↑

My DH won't do any work and instead fights with me if i come up with this issue. MIL also doesn't want him to do any work. My FIL used to cut vegetables before our marriage but if he helps now then my MIL says "Now that she is there why do you want to cut vegetables. let her do anyways you don't do it properly".This i find is double standard. She wants him to help her but not me and my DH also should not help me.whaatsmiley

DH doesn't take any interest in house affairs. He prefers going out and staying out of this.

Abla, my grandmom has said that also but still she doesn't stop. She says its better to keep you people informed so that later you can't say that i didn't tell.

Thanks for your help [FONT=vegur_regular]nb25, [/FONT][FONT=vegur_regular]abla, [/FONT][FONT=vegur_regular]sugugiri2010.[/FONT]
Click to expand...

Since you are a working woman, DH should help you out with the household chores. Ask him to help you out, and not do chores. He is likely to help you when you ask for help, instead of saying do xyz chores. Tell him you get tired after returning from work too, and would appreciate his help.

Also, if going to work and cooking on weekdays, gets too hectic, get a cook. Talk to DH about this.

You should go out with him, when he is going out, at least some times. You should not be confined to home all the time. Tell him that you would like to go out with him when you feel like it.

If MIL complains and relatives call you up, put the phone on speaker next time, when DH and FIL are present. She won't be able to deny it.

Continue doing things your way, considering it is not affecting MIL/FIL's work, or redistribute the work, considering every one's convenience. Let her say what she wants. Remain calm, and stay away when she creates drama. She will grow tired of it soon.

Mohithe · Mar 14, 2015

Dear friend ,

Have patience. .. You r jst married..may be she is feeling insecure...Make some changes in ur daily routine for a week... try to help her in all her work before she needs it n keep her praising now n then especially in front of you're hubby n neighbor and take her for a walk temple shopping etc...Then atleast she will try to understand you. .I really feel bad to knw that she shouted at ur mom. ... but try to do smthg Whc keeps her happy rather Than messing up with your happy married life. .. if this does show case any changes plz go according to our Sr's in IL ..I know how tough to face MIL some times...

Iamagoodgirl · Mar 20, 2015

abla said: ↑

Please ask your family/ relatives to not entertain her anymore .Just politely ignore and not bring it up to you or even better tell her they have married you off into her family and now you are her problem (in more tactful words of course ). laugh1smiley
Click to expand...

This is a the exact reason why i dont allow my MIL to mingle with my side of people much.She has habit of telling bad things about me on my back.Esp how i have taken away her DDs maika.

Emile · Mar 28, 2015

this same thing is happening in my life too..even though I help my MIL in all the household works..she finds some or the other reason to taunt me..
she is so possessive(very much possesive) about her son and tries her level best to create an indifference between me and my husband.
Many times i had felt very weird,while having food in dining area,she will serve her homemade snack for everyone around the table except me.she wont even care to ask me if i need tat.many times i purposely avoid sitting with them faking that i need to feed my daughter.i feel really hurt for these behaviors.(many are there,cant write all tat down)
if any issues comes up between me and my hus,she will interfere in that and makes it worse and keep taunting me and my parents even when the fault is with her son.
she calls my family tat too my relatives to tell how bad i am and lies too much about me.
it is so disgracing and insulting when when you meet your relatives in family functions,as they know the hungamas happening in your family.so i stopped going for family functions due to my MIL's gossiping.
my husband never tells her anything..as he is very afraid of her stubborn and starving character.
my mother is not there for me.she passed away last year due to terminal illness.i feel very depressed when i am not able to convey my heart breaking feelings.
some times i fell tat this is an experience to make us more stronger in life.